St. Blogger’s Day Speech

This was long thought to be the only portrait ...

Shakespeare 'Chandos portrait' (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was thinking there should be a blogger’s day, or maybe a WordPress online day of appreciation for those who put their close-kept thoughts and most dearly-held opinions online for the pleasure of people they’ve never so much as met.  It takes a great deal of courage to say what you think and invite literally the entire world to read and comment on it.  When you stop to consider it, it’s an extraordinarily powerful phenomenon.

Then I got all defensive on behalf of bloggers, thinking about the random vicious comments people make on blogs just because they can do it anonymously, and about all the blogs that are so passionate and into which people put so much work, but that are virtually ignored.  Then, predictably, I got to adapting Shakespeare’s St. Crispin’s Day speech from Henry V in my head, which is the kind of thing I do when I get bored.  And then, of course, I had to type it out and share it on my blog!

So here you are, fellow bloggers, readers, and commenters:  my St. Blogger’s Day speech for you (it helps to imagine Kenneth Branagh delivering it):

And WordPress Holiday shall ne’er go by,

From this day to the ending of the ‘Net,

But we in it shall be remember’d–

We few, we happy few, we band of bloggers;

For he online that comments on my blog

shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,

this blog shall respond to his comments;

and bloggers on WordPress now a-bed

shall think themselves accurs’d they weren’t online

and hold their bloghoods cheap whiles reading those

that blogged with us on WordPress Day!

The Little Blind Girl’s Staycation, 2012-2012. RIP.

Part of gravestone in Sighişoara (Schäßburg, S...

Part of gravestone in Sighişoara (Schäßburg, Segesvár), Evangelical Cemetery (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This Monday, after a long and full life, the Little Blind Girl’s staycation was laid to rest after passing away peacefully in the LBG’s sleep.  LBG’s staycation is survived by its sister, the Christmas holidays, its brother, Thanksgiving, and its children, Memorial Day Weekend and the Fourth of July.  Those who knew and loved the LBG’s staycation remember with fondness the many household chores accomplished during its lifetime and the hours of catching up on sleep it provided, not to mention the lengthy list of very bad movies it took pride in consuming en masse.

Perhaps most memorable about the LBG’s staycation was its remarkable and inspiring battle with Workiscalling Syndrome.  Twice during its life, the LBG’s staycation was threatened by relapses of this debilitating disease, resulting in stays of an hour or more in the office.  With the support of friends and colleagues, however, the LBG’s staycation was able to overcome Workiscalling Syndrome and return home to indulge in its favorite pastimes, eating Doritos and playing Angry Birds.

The LBG’s staycation’s circle of mourners recall the good times lounging around in pajamas at two in the afternoon, watching the world go by and thinking about all the people in offices wearing suits.  We know the LBG’s staycation is in a better place, perhaps Hawaii or St. Croix, and we wish it well as it goes to join that Great Vacation In The Sky.  Go in peace, LBG’s staycation.  You will be missed.

In defense of not waiting

Cliff jumping in Busan, South Korea circa 1993.

Cliff jumping in Busan, South Korea circa 1993. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Warning:  inspirational thoughts ahead!

I got stuck in line in the store the other day, waiting to check out.  I always think it’s a little funny to look around at everyone’s purchases and wonder what’s going on in their lives that led them to select a baby bottle, a pair of spaghetti tongs, and a phillips-head screwdriver for their purchases that day.  Of course, I’m usually holding something like a coin-sorter, a pack of pens, and an extra-large energy drink, so who am I to talk?

Then I went home and cooked a meal on the stove.  This is rare for me.  I’m a microwave girl.  I can estimate microwave times like my mother’s mother could estimate how much sugar to include in a recipe; I just know, without really knowing how I know.  I don’t need the back of the box to tell me.  So the whole stove thing was taking way too long for my post-modern impatience.  “Patience is a virtue,” I reminded myself, just like I did while I was waiting in that interminable line in the store.

But here’s the thing:  I don’t think patience is always as much a virtue as we seem to think.  I would like to stand up in defense of not waiting.  Most of the good things in my life I have because I grabbed for them before I let myself get scared of trying, or before someone else with more guts got to them first.  My most precious memories are of seizing the moment, even if I didn’t have any particular reason or need to, and getting as much out of life as I could right then, without waiting.  A lot of the time it wouldn’t have made much difference to wait a little longer, but when it does matter, it matters so much.

Because sometimes things happen, and people are taken from us, or opportunities are unexpectedly lost, and if we didn’t go for it before, we’ll never get another chance.  The future is so uncertain in this ever-changing world.  I’m not old, but I’m not young, and here’s what I’ve learned:  if you see something you want, go for it right then.  Don’t wait.  If you think to yourself, “My husband is completely fantastic.  I can’t believe I’m this lucky,” tell him right then.  If there’s a girl you like, or an activity you’ve wanted to try, or a project at work that’s got you scared but intrigued, go all out after it (or her) right then.  Don’t wait.

Skier carving a turn off piste

Something on my blind bucket list (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m going blind, very slowly.  I’ve got a whole list of things I want to do before I completely lose my vision.  I’m proud to say that my list isn’t as long as it might be if it weren’t already part of my nature not to wait.  There are things I was able to do years ago that I could never do now, that I’ll never be able to do again.  But I’ve done them.  I don’t have to put them on my list of regrets, because I didn’t wait–I just did them, because I could, because they were there.  It’s one of my rules:  if life leads you up to a great big cliff, don’t wait for a parachute:  just jump.  Right then.  Figure out the parachute on the way down.  Sometimes you’ll go splat, but sometimes you’ll learn to fly.

And if a second register opens up while you’re waiting in line, don’t wait for someone else to get there first.  Elbow that old lady out of the way if you have to!  But, from time to time, it can be worth waiting for a meal cooked in the stove rather than the microwave.  Sometimes, you can wait.

Wait…what??? (Obligatory post-Freshly Pressed blog entry)

Bambi (character)

Bambi (character) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There I was, peacefully putting away my groceries (all healthy, worse luck.  I think my doctor reads my blog) and chatting with my mother, who was in town for a visit.  She went off to do something else, and I sat down to check in on my blog.  I pressed the stats button…

I recently got a new pair of glasses.  I thought maybe they had malfunctioned.  I’d had how many page views?  Suspicious, I took off my glasses, rubbed them, put them back on…yep, same number.  I checked out the Freshly Pressed section of WordPress and, sure enough, there I was!  With a blog post that I’d put about five minutes worth of thought into and basically consisted of me blowing off steam about my new diet and exercise plan!

Though, come to think of it, that’s probably a pretty universally interesting topic–not diet and exercise, which are just universally torturous, but being annoyed and frustrated by them.  Yes, I cunningly picked this topic of common interest, came up with a nifty list, inserted a colorful visual, all with an eye toward getting Freshly Pressed…no, I didn’t.  But it’s still fun that it happened!  I had the following conversation with myself after seeing my tiny little blog up there with the big boys:

Little Blind Girl:  Oh, wow, this is so cool!  Look at all these page views!  Look at all these comments and all the new followers!  Thanks, WordPress!

Voice in Head:  Wait, they picked this post?  I have, like, fifty other posts that are way better.

Little Blind Girl:  Oh, don’t be a buzzkill.  This is awesome!  I want to do a backflip, except that I’m pretty sure my body doesn’t bend that way anymore.

Voice in Head:  I’m just saying.  You wrote a sonnet to Johnny Depp, actually in iambic pentameter, and they go for this one?

Little Blind Girl:  This was a good post!  It may never get included in an anthology of insightful, provocative essays, but it’s not bad for an evening’s work.

Voice in Head:  You mean twenty minutes’ work.  Thank goodness I proofread.

Little Blind Girl:  Yeah, I kind of feel like a mother who tells her kid to wear clean underwear in case he gets in an accident and has to go to the emergency room.  “Now, blog, I’m going to make sure you don’t have any typos, just in case you get Freshly Pressed.”  “Aww, come on, Little Blind Girl, that never happens!”

Voice in Head:  Until it does.

Little Blind Girl:  Exactly.

Voice in Head:  So we’re just ignoring the fact that you’re having a conversation with yourself?

Little Blind Girl:  Just like always.

Voice in Head:  Right, then.  Hey, don’t you have a policy about responding to every comment on the blog?

Little Blind Girl:  Yes.  (Pause)  Why?  How many comments are there?

Voice in Head:  Fifty eight and counting.

Little Blind Girl:  ….

Totally worth it.  Thanks to all the people who read, liked, commented on, and followed my blog, new and old readers alike!  And a special shoutout to my favorite comment, which was by laurenwhitney91:  “you are insanely hilarious. thank you for being you!”  Seriously, that’s the comment!  Best comment ever.  I love being Freshly Pressed!

Also, for those of you who read the hilarious blog The Waiting:  welcome to the world, Miss C.  You’ve got a really cool mom.

How many calories can you burn playing Angry Birds?

weights

weights (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In addition to tweaking my diet, I have to start a more intensive exercise program.  To this end, I’ve been looking at guides of promising-sounding activities and how many calories they burn, and I’ve noticed some serious omissions, really a complete lack of any activity I’m at all likely to perform.  To rectify this alarming deficiency, I would like to contribute my own list of everyday exercises that you (and, more importantly, I) can do at home or in the office, with a loose estimate of how many calories they’re likely to burn:

Little Blind Girl’s List of Everyday Exercises

  1. Banging your head against the desk/table/wall for five minutes:  15 calories
  2. Walking down to supply closet, forgetting what you went there for, walking back to office, then remembering and walking back to supply closet:  25 calories
  3. Doodling on legal pad while not really listening to tedious phone conversation:  20 calories/half hour
  4. Losing important file and cursing profusely while stomping around looking for it:  15 calories
  5. Losing important file and trying not to curse profusely because boss is around:  40 calories (note:  not recommended for extended durations)
  6. Searching for keys in the morning:  20 calories
  7. Transferring items from one purse to another (may qualify as weight training):  10 calories
  8. Throwing pen across room because it refuses to write smoothly:  5 calories, if you include walking over to where it fell and cleaning the mark off the wall
  9. Panicking over missed deadline:  15 calories
  10. Reading blogs when you should be doing work:  60 calories/hour

I am shocked that these have not yet shown up in the lists of common activities on the exercise sites.  Next you’ll be telling me that caffeine isn’t a vital nutrient!  We can’t all be professional athletes; get your exercise where you can, that’s what I say.  This list would make for an interesting exercise log, don’t you think?

The Twelve Days of Staycation

A couple in a Hammock.

A couple in a Hammock. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m on vacation, which for me means staycation because I’m poor!  I did some internet searches on staycations, to figure out how to do it right, and it seems to me that most of the suggestions cost more than an actual vacation, so I’m just making it up.  Anyway, I thought you might like to know what a little blind girl can find to fill up her staycation time, so I wrote this little song for you, gentle readers:

 

On the first day of staycation, my true love gave to me

a ticket for the dry-cleaning!

 

On the second day of staycation, my true love gave to me

two lightbulbs to change

and a ticket for the dry-cleaning!

 

On the third day of staycation, my true love gave to me

three Hunger Games books

two lightbulbs to change

and a ticket for the dry-cleaning!

 

On the fourth day of staycation, my true love gave to me

four loads of laundry

three Hunger Games books

two lightbulbs to change

and a ticket for the dry-cleaning!

 

On the fifth day of staycation, my true love gave to me

five rooms to clean!

four loads of laundry

three Hunger Games books

two lightbulbs to change

and a ticket for the dry-cleaning.

 

On the sixth day of staycation, my true love gave to me

six missing buttons

five rooms to clean!

four loads of laundry

three Hunger Games books

two lightbulbs to change

and a ticket for the dry-cleaning!

 

On the seventh day of staycation, my true love gave to me

seven calls from work

six missing buttons

five rooms to clean!

four loads of laundry

three Hunger Games books

two lightbulbs to change

and a ticket for the dry-cleaning!

 

On the eighth day of staycation, my true love gave to me

eight new friends on Facebook

seven calls from work

six missing buttons

five rooms to clean!

four loads of laundry

three Hunger Games books

two lightbulbs to change

and a ticket for the dry-cleaning!

 

On the ninth day of staycation, my true love gave to me

nine hours for sleeping

eight new friends on Facebook

seven calls from work

six missing buttons

five rooms to clean!

four loads of laundry

three Hunger Games books

two lightbulbs to change

and a ticket for the dry-cleaning!

 

On the tenth day of staycation, my true love gave to me

ten days’ worth of errands

nine hours for sleeping

eight new friends on Facebook

seven calls from work

six missing buttons

five rooms to clean!

four loads of laundry

three Hunger Games books

two lightbulbs to change

and a ticket for the dry-cleaning!

 

On the eleventh day of staycation, my true love gave to me

eleven book club questions

ten days’ worth of errands

nine hours for sleeping

eight new friends on Facebook

seven calls from work

six missing buttons

five rooms to clean!

four loads of laundry

three Hunger Games books

two lightbulbs to change

and a ticket for the dry-cleaning!

 

On the twelfth day of staycation, my true love gave to me

twelve shows I’ve been meaning to watch

eleven book club questions

ten days’ worth of errands

nine hours for sleeping

eight new friends on Facebook

seven calls from work

six missing buttons

five rooms to clean!

four loads of laundry

three Hunger Games books

two lightbulbs to change

and a ticket for the dry-cleaning!

Satan butter

As a result of my eye problems, I have to be very careful to get certain things in my diet, and it’s pretty closely monitored.  The latest admonition is that I’m not getting enough fat in my diet.  I have to include more sources of fat, but I should stay away from saturated fats, watch my cholesterol, and on no account touch transfats….also I have to maintain a certain caloric intake and not mess with any of the rest of my diet….I’ve been doing hours of research and calculations.  I got my taxes prepped in less than an hour, but I’ve been at this task all evening (fun Saturday night activity, huh?  That’s how I roll) and I still don’t have an answer.  I think it may boil down to this:

Don’t you wish it could be that easy?  Satan butter:  if you touch it, you’ll go blind!

With this LBG, I thee wed

Engagement Ring

Engagement Ring (Photo credit: Lucas_James)

A friend of mine is getting married.  Yay!  And you know her, if you read the blog closely, but I’m not allowed to announce it formally yet.  Cue the crying, hugging, dancing around, promising we’ll always be friends even after she’s got a live-in boy, etc.  Then comes the important discussion:

Me:  What are you thinking as far as the ceremony?

Friend:  I’m kind of torn.  Courthouse is very tempting, but my family would be really hurt if they couldn’t participate in a traditional wedding.

Me:  Courthouse all the way, baby.  Wham, bam, thank you, your honor!

Friend:  But the wedding dress!

Me:  That you wear once!

Friend:  And the reception!

Me:  That lasts for one evening and costs more than your honeymoon!

Friend:  And the presents!

Me:  Oh, yeah, the presents are pretty sweet.

Friend:  But if I had a wedding, I’d have to get my makeup done.

Me:  I can do your makeup!

Friend:  I’d have to wear heels.  I hate heels.

Me:  Ballet flats.

Friend:  I don’t have a preacher.

Me:  Internet Church of the Spaghetti God.

Friend:  Wait.  Which one of us wants a wedding?

Me:  I can’t help it.  I always have to have the last word.

Friend:  I can see it now:  “Do you, [friend’s name omitted] take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”  “I do.”  And do you, [Hot Fiance’s name omitted], take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”  “I do.”  “And do you, Little Blind Girl, give your blessing to the union of this man and this woman?”  “I do.”  And only then will we be legally married!

Me:  Better believe it!

You think that’s bad, just wait until you read the yet-to-be-written post about the Little Blind Girl and the Open-Bar Reception!

Top 10 Inappropriate Thoughts I Have Had During Meetings

A penny for your thoughts...Dollars for your t...

A penny for your thoughts...Dollars for your thoughts - NARA - 513735 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We’ve all been there.  The pointless meeting that drags on and on, during which you have one, maybe two items to contribute out of thirty listed on the agenda, but you have to be there for the whole thing, sitting in an uncomfortable chair and attempting to hide the fact that you’re actually doing sudoku.  We’ve all had those thoughts cross our minds, the ones we’d never say out loud, the ones induced by extreme boredom and by resentment stemming from the piles of work waiting for us back in our offices that, let’s face it, we wouldn’t be doing anyway.  Here are my top ten inappropriate thoughts, culled from a professional lifetime of being forced to sit around for long periods of time doing nothing productive whatsoever:

  1. I’ve had sexual encounters that took less time than this presentation, and that includes foreplay.
  2. Hmmm.  Doris’ sudden illness that kept her out of the office most of last week has left her with a very nice tan.
  3. Drink whenever someone uses the term “lateral thinking”!
  4. It takes a lot to make me wish I were back at my desk returning phone calls, but congratulations, because you’ve managed it.
  5. I know it’s only 9:30; is it wrong that I’m already fantasizing about lunch?
  6. Twenty bucks to the first person to make a comment using the phrase “They call me Mister Tibbs!”
  7. Wow.  At the end of the last presentation, I almost expected the speaker to do the Tebow.
  8. I realize that you have to look after your seriously ill child, but you should have thought of that before you agreed to be in charge of a major project.
  9. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!
  10. Braaaiiiinnnnnssss………

And there you have it.  If you’ve ever been in a meeting that started first thing in the morning and for which you had to come back after lunch, I know you know what I’m talking about.  Cheers!  And when it comes to your turn, keep it short.  Just imagine what everyone’s thinking about you…

Lipstick horoscopes

lipstick

lipstick (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a theory that you can predict how your day is going to go by the shade of lipstick you put on in the morning.  Guys, obviously this is going to have a very different application for you; the rules I’m about to lay on you really only apply to girls.  But for girls, I think you can take a cue from the shade of lipstick you’re drawn to while making up in order to get an idea of how things are going to play out:

Red

First of all, there are different kinds of red, with different kinds of horoscopes to go with them.  If you’re talking about a warm red, you can expect men dressed as advertising executives from the fifties to take advantage of you while swilling liquor and smoking cigars.  This may be your thing; if so, go for that warm red.  If you pick a dark, purplish red, you can expect to hear a lot of derivative rock music in minor keys by distraught middle-class former English majors.  If you go for the blue-red, and I highly recommend a simple eye with a fine black eyeliner, a couple of coats of mascara, and a bone or taupe shadow to go with it if you do, you may end up killing someone, but you’ll look extremely sexy doing it.  For maximum effect, add matching heels.

Pink

Lady GaGa

Lady GaGa (Photo credit: ama_lia)

Again, there are a million different pinks out there.  My personal favorite is a kind of greyish-pink with a little bit of shimmer that’s light without being pale; if you choose this color, you are going to get into a battle of wits for extremely high stakes that you’ll probably win.  I wouldn’t just depend on the lipstick, though.  Have a backup plan, like lipgloss.  There is, of course, the highly unnatural Lady Gaga pink (seriously, she designed a shade exactly along these lines for MAC).  If you choose this shade, be careful when going to restaurants, particularly steakhouses, as you can expect sudden inexplicable urges to wear your entree.  A darker shade of pink, in the rose family, indicates a long sea voyage and unexpected wealth.  I don’t know, I’m running out of ideas here.  This is hard.

Neutral

The thing about neutral lipstick is that, while there are literally thousands of shades of neutral lipstick, it’s almost impossible to tell them apart.  They all tend to have the same horoscope, which is that you will be overlooked, under-appreciated, taken for granted, and forgotten on your birthday.  Don’t wear neutral colors.  In the kind of life that calls for lipstick, you’re not going to get anywhere or achieve anything by blending in.  Wear purple lipstick.  I can predict with absolute certainty that, at the very least, you’ll get noticed.

Studio publicity portrait of the American actr...

Studio publicity portrait of the American actress Elizabeth Taylor. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Madame Little Blind Girl has spoken.  Cross her palm with silver to show your appreciation, or at least leave a comment on the post.  Choose and apply your lipstick with care!  There’s no telling the far-reaching consequences that decision may have on your life.  Don’t even ask what happens if the lipstick wears off by lunchtime.

And, guys:  whatever shade of lipstick you choose, I guarantee that your day will not be boring.  Just remember to wipe the corners of your mouth and touch up throughout the day.  Oh, and stay away from orange lipstick.  That rule applies to everyone!