Johnny Depp Tarot

When I was a kid, I liked to play with tarot cards.  Sometimes I tried to do serious readings, but most of the time I’d just make up stories to go with the pretty pictures, which it turns out is more or less what you’re supposed to do in a serious reading anyway.  Then the nuns found me telling a boy’s fortune under the bleachers one fine afternoon, and my tarot cards met what I later learned was a fiery end.  Shame.  I’d paid full price for them.

woman-644569_640

image in public domain via pixabay.com

That’s not what this blog post is about, however.  Despite all the holy hand-wringing over what I’m told was the Devil’s influence, I never lost my liking for making up fortunes based on pretty pictures.  I just learned to be more careful about what pictures I used.  For example, carrying around photos of cute celebrities also got me in trouble with the nuns, but it was the afterschool special kind of trouble where the grownups talk at you in understanding voices and tell you that you’re a special flower just waiting to bloom.  So, being possessed of a logical mind and absolutely no scruples, I stopped carrying around regular tarot cards and instead told the future using pictures of Johnny Depp.

In addition to being much easier to explain if discovered, the Johnny Depp tarot deck has the virtue of evolving along with the actor’s career.  When I first started doing this, over half the deck was represented by images of Edward Scissorhands (he’s still most of the suite of Swords, but that’s only to be expected).  I don’t do many readings these days, but I still indulge from time to time, and I thought I’d share the results of my most recent foray into fortune-telling.  It was for myself a friend, and my her question for the cards was, what should I my friend do about this cute guy who was flirting with me her the other day?  These are the answers the JD Tarot revealed:

First Card (represents the questioner’s current situation):  The Pirate

Embed from Getty Images

 

This card represents an unexpected opportunity, usually one that is both attractive and risky.  A handsome rogue has captured your attention and now you feel like you can’t breathe.  Your life, previously so tightly laced, now seems full of intrigue and adventure.  You’re interested, but you suspect he desires only a night of plunder.  He may dance and sing with you while the rum lasts, but will he set his sights on another horizon when he feels a change in the wind?  If you follow “The Pirate”, you may find the treasure you seek, but be aware that what you get might not be what you truly value.

Second Card (represents obstacles in the questioner’s path):  The Mad Hatter

Embed from Getty Images

 

This card represents what is not as crazy as it seems.  The handsome rogue currently using your heart for a mainsail met you at the bar on Karaoke Night.  His first impression of you is of when, after your fourth Long Island Iced Tea, you lurched onstage and gave a remarkably accurate—if slurred—rendition of “Sweet Transvestite.”  And, yes, you danced.  The entire bar thought you’d gone bat-poo.  Fortunately you can stay on key even while plastered, you managed not to fall off the stage, and it turns out that your guy is a fan of Rocky Horror Picture Show (as, luckily, was the bouncer). This obstacle is not as bad as you think.

 Third Card (represents advice for the questioner):  The Man Himself

Embed from Getty Images

 

This card represents what is definitely as crazy as it seems—crazy awesome!  This guy flirted with you after you’d channeled Dr. Frankenfurter in front of a hundred strangers.  He already knows you’re bat-poo.  The Johnny Depp Tarot advises:  steer into the skid.  Show him your collection of Pixies memorabilia.  Tell him about the dream you had that was basically When Harry Met Sally, except it was When Bigfoot Met Sasquatch.  Play Strip Pictionary.  Be the inimitable, incomprehensible pile of awesome you are.  Just, maybe don’t show him the blog right away.  There are limits, after all.

Ask a Little Blind Girl, Part 3

Old woman at desk, 1967

Old woman at desk, 1967 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I haven’t done an installment of Ask a Little Blind Girl lately, so I thought I would share a few more of the questions that my anxious public keeps begging me to address, or at least answer a few questions that random curious people who probably have no idea I keep a blog have asked me.  All right, I made up the questions.  Like Dear Abby never made up a question or two.  There can’t be that many clueless people in the world.  Regardless:  allow me to present the latest contribution to the blogosphere’s only (known) advice column from a Little Blind Girl:

1.  Dear Little Blind Girl:  If you can’t see the television and you have trouble seeing the computer screen when you go online, what do you do to pass the time?

–TV Addict in Tennessee

Dear TV Addict in Tennessee:  It’s hard to believe these days, but there was a time when people had neither television nor the internet to entertain them.  Of course, in those days, everyone was in the same boat and would meet up in their town halls to go buggy riding together, whereas today, if you’re not online, you’re out in the cold.

If, because of vision impairment, religious or ideological beliefs, or a lack of connectivity, you find yourself cut off from the online community and without a television to stare at for hours, there are still things you can do.  I like to pick a bar I’ve never been in before, take in a board game, and see how many people I can talk into playing with me.  If you’ve never had an evening of Yahtzee with a crowd of inebriated strangers, believe me, you haven’t lived.  Clue and Trivial Pursuit also work well, but take the benefit of my experience and stay away from Twister.  Someone falls on someone else the wrong way when beer is involved and things get ugly fast.

I realize that this won’t work as well for those whose religious and/or ideological beliefs also prevent them from drinking alcohol.  I don’t know what to tell you about that, except maybe to find another advice column.

2.  Dear Little Blind Girl:  I’m visually impaired and trying to navigate the tricky territory of the dating scene.  Do you have any advice to give me?

— Squinting in Savannah

Dear Squinting in Savannah:  That is an excellent question.  Being something of a dating pro myself, I would be happy to pass along my wisdom to you.

  • Rule 1:  Never be late for a date.  Rude for the blind, rude for the sighted, rude for everyone.
  • Rule 2:  Be open to the experience.  Dating is nerve-wracking and exhilarating and difficult for both parties involved, even when both parties are really trying.  If you’re not into it, say no.  If you say yes, go into the date with high hopes, low expectations, and a can of pepper spray, just in case.
  • Rule 3:  Don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu on the first date.  That’s just tacky.

Notice a pattern?  Dating for the blind is pretty much like dating for anyone else.  That said, I’d avoid places with lots of stairs until you’re more comfortable clutching at your date’s arm.  Also, avoid movies with subtitles.  And mimes.  And complicated meals that involve a lot of cutting meat around bones.  There are few things more embarrassing than having to ask your date to cut up your meat.

Dear Little Blind Girl:  Be honest.  What would you do if Johnny Depp ever commented on your blog?

–Depp Fan in Dakota

English: American actor Johnny Depp The Touris...

English: American actor Johnny Depp The Tourist premiere in Tokyo, Japan 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Depp Fan in Dakota:  I sincerely doubt that I will ever know for sure, but I do have a policy of trying to respond to every comment on this blog, so I’d have to say something in reply.  I’d like to think my response would be witty, charming, insightful, and endearing.  However, having known myself practically since my birth, I think it’s more likely that I’d respond with something along the lines of “Oh my God!  Are you him?  Are you really him?  Oh my God!  Wow, you’re even cuter in your comment than you are on screen!”, probably followed with a string of inappropriate emoticons.  This would be even more embarrassing given that his comment would probably be something like, “If you don’t stop sending me marriage proposals, I will be forced to take legal action.”  But hey, live in the moment, right?

As always, feel free to leave your burning questions in the comments section, and I will address them in our next installment.  Until then, au revoir–and, Johnny?  Anytime, sweetie.  I’m just saying.

10 celebrities who are disappointed in you

In the vein of 33 animals that are disappointed in you, I bring you 10 celebrities who are disappointed in you, and one who isn’t:

1.  Robert Pattinson…

2.  Kellan Lutz…

3.  Josh Duhamel…

4.  George Clooney…

5.  Bradley Cooper…

6.  Brad Pitt…

7.  Orlando Bloom…

8.  Channing Tatum…

9.  Ryan Gosling…

10.  Liam Hemsworth…

And finally…

Johnny Depp…

And this is why we love Johnny Depp!

Wait…what??? (Obligatory post-Freshly Pressed blog entry)

Bambi (character)

Bambi (character) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There I was, peacefully putting away my groceries (all healthy, worse luck.  I think my doctor reads my blog) and chatting with my mother, who was in town for a visit.  She went off to do something else, and I sat down to check in on my blog.  I pressed the stats button…

I recently got a new pair of glasses.  I thought maybe they had malfunctioned.  I’d had how many page views?  Suspicious, I took off my glasses, rubbed them, put them back on…yep, same number.  I checked out the Freshly Pressed section of WordPress and, sure enough, there I was!  With a blog post that I’d put about five minutes worth of thought into and basically consisted of me blowing off steam about my new diet and exercise plan!

Though, come to think of it, that’s probably a pretty universally interesting topic–not diet and exercise, which are just universally torturous, but being annoyed and frustrated by them.  Yes, I cunningly picked this topic of common interest, came up with a nifty list, inserted a colorful visual, all with an eye toward getting Freshly Pressed…no, I didn’t.  But it’s still fun that it happened!  I had the following conversation with myself after seeing my tiny little blog up there with the big boys:

Little Blind Girl:  Oh, wow, this is so cool!  Look at all these page views!  Look at all these comments and all the new followers!  Thanks, WordPress!

Voice in Head:  Wait, they picked this post?  I have, like, fifty other posts that are way better.

Little Blind Girl:  Oh, don’t be a buzzkill.  This is awesome!  I want to do a backflip, except that I’m pretty sure my body doesn’t bend that way anymore.

Voice in Head:  I’m just saying.  You wrote a sonnet to Johnny Depp, actually in iambic pentameter, and they go for this one?

Little Blind Girl:  This was a good post!  It may never get included in an anthology of insightful, provocative essays, but it’s not bad for an evening’s work.

Voice in Head:  You mean twenty minutes’ work.  Thank goodness I proofread.

Little Blind Girl:  Yeah, I kind of feel like a mother who tells her kid to wear clean underwear in case he gets in an accident and has to go to the emergency room.  “Now, blog, I’m going to make sure you don’t have any typos, just in case you get Freshly Pressed.”  “Aww, come on, Little Blind Girl, that never happens!”

Voice in Head:  Until it does.

Little Blind Girl:  Exactly.

Voice in Head:  So we’re just ignoring the fact that you’re having a conversation with yourself?

Little Blind Girl:  Just like always.

Voice in Head:  Right, then.  Hey, don’t you have a policy about responding to every comment on the blog?

Little Blind Girl:  Yes.  (Pause)  Why?  How many comments are there?

Voice in Head:  Fifty eight and counting.

Little Blind Girl:  ….

Totally worth it.  Thanks to all the people who read, liked, commented on, and followed my blog, new and old readers alike!  And a special shoutout to my favorite comment, which was by laurenwhitney91:  “you are insanely hilarious. thank you for being you!”  Seriously, that’s the comment!  Best comment ever.  I love being Freshly Pressed!

Also, for those of you who read the hilarious blog The Waiting:  welcome to the world, Miss C.  You’ve got a really cool mom.

Ask a Little Blind Girl, Part 2

Old woman at desk, 1967

Image via Wikipedia

It’s time for another installment of Ask a Little Blind Girl, because there just wasn’t enough crazy in the first go round.  This time, we have some really burning questions that I know you’ve all been wondering about.  I have actually been asked each of these questions–the first two I get pretty frequently.  The last one was just recently posed, but it’s an issue of such magnitude that I’m throwing it in right away, and I think you’ll understand why when you get to it.  So here we go:

 

1.  Little Blind Girl, I like to go out at night, but I can’t wear contacts and I’m too vain to wear my glasses.  How can I tell if a guy is hot if I can’t actually see him?

–Myopic in Manhattan

Dear Myopic in Manhattan:  Yeah, blind and vain is a really frustrating combination.  But if you’ve conquered the questions of how to put on eyeliner when you can’t see what you’re doing and how to navigate a crowded club in four inch heels with no depth perception, this one’s fairly easy.

Respect M.E.

Image via Wikipedia

Guys will treat girls as crappily as they can get away with.  The cuter the guy, the more he can get away with, because girls as a rule will let him.  Lesson 1 to take from all this:  Girls, grow a f*cking spine and stop putting up with this sh*t.  Lesson 2 to take from all this:  if a guy is treating you really nicely and is showing lots of courtesy, he’s either really ugly, happily married, or gay.

If a guy is treating you like you’re something he found on the bottom of his shoe after he walked the dog, you don’t have to know what he looks like to know he’s hot.  But trust me, he’s not worth it.  You put a lot of effort into getting all prettied up to go out, spend your time with someone who appreciates that.  If you never put your glasses back on, you’ll never know the difference.

2.  Little Blind Girl, why do you spend so long in the bathroom getting ready if you can’t even see what you look like?  What’s the point?

–Definitely a Guy in Way Too Much of a Hurry

Dear Definitely a Guy in Way Too Much of a Hurry:  You have completely misunderstood the point of the bathroom ritual for girls.  This is not just about trying not to look like death warmed over, thereby ensuring that I will appear unprofessional and a poor employment prospect, and it’s also not about attracting guys (although that would be nice) or impressing my girlfriends (who honest to God don’t care).  This is my meditation.

See: www.falundafa.org/eng/exercises.html

Image via Wikipedia

I could sit around in a lotus position humming for hours, or I could make myself pretty by doing unbelievably damaging things to my hair and putting acid directly on my face.  I choose acid.  Mostly because I find the lotus position incredibly uncomfortable, but also because I like the steam that comes from my curling iron when I’m frying the crap out of my hair.  I like to put on some soothing music, light some candles, maybe have a fruit smoothie, and coat my face in pounds of makeup so no one knows what I really look like.  This has the added benefit that when I turn to my life of crime, no one will be able to give a good description of me.  Bonus!  This is my “me” time.  Just let me have it.

 

3.  Dear Little Blind Girl:  Who’s sexier, Johnny Depp in full Captain Jack Sparrow regalia or Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry?

–Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:  Oh, my God, why do you hate me?  I have no idea.  It’s like a paradox, like two things with this much sexy can’t exist at the same time or the universe will explode.  It’s just not possible, and yet–does anyone know if Benedict Cumberbatch has actually read any erotic poetry?  We may want to sign a treaty forbidding him to do it, just in case it ends up being too much sexy for one world.

Benedict Cumberbatch

Benedict Cumberbatch (Photo credit: honeyfitz)

And are we talking about really good erotic poetry?  I mean, Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow is the ultimate in visual sexy…but as a Little Blind Girl, I think I’m going to have to go with Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry.  I never thought the day would come.  Sorry, Johnny.  It’s not you, it’s me.  If anyone knows of any recordings of Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry, let me know.  Please.  Really, please.

Things I will never do, so stop asking

English: Illustration of a shocked, or frighte...

Image via Wikipedia

There are many situations in which I get asked if I’ll do something that I would never in a million years do.  This happens slightly less often since I graduated from school, but it still comes up a little more frequently than I’m really comfortable with.  It only takes one drunk friend on Facebook, you know?  Plus, now that I’ve started a blog, I get random requests from people I don’t know but who think they know me because they read the blog.

 

So here’s a list of some of the more frequent and/or bizarre requests that I will never, ever do, so stop asking.  Please.

1.  The cinnamon challenge

This is where people attempt to swallow a tablespoon of cinnamon in under a minute without drinking anything and without vomiting or inhaling the powder.  Apparently, this totally sucks, although I really think I could have figured that out on my own when part of the challenge involves not vomiting.  Schools are banning kids from sneaking in cinnamon to do this during school hours, and at least one principal has been suspended for not cracking down on this growing menace.  Cinnamon as contraband?  Well, whatever, I guess.  But no, I’m not taking the cinnamon challenge.  Stop asking.  As a consolation, here’s Jenna Marbles, one of my favorite vloggers, taking the cinnamon challenge dressed as Drake.  Awesome.

 

2.  Eat my broccoli

Broccoli

Broccoli (Photo credit: Cookthinker)

I’m a grown woman, living on my own, and I don’t wanna eat my broccoli.  You can’t make me.  No you can’t.  No you can’t.  No you can’t.  No no no no no!  I don’t like the way it tastes, I don’t like the way it smells, and I don’t want to eat it.  You know what?  Broccoli’s going in the trash!  Oh, no, is that the sound of a green vegetable hitting the bottom of the trashcan?  Yes, I believe it is.  Broccoli’s gone.  Never gonna eat it.  Stop asking.  On with the ice cream!

3.  Make a sex tape

Never gonna happen.  Stop asking.

4.  Drink tequila.

tequila

tequila (Photo credit: doviende)

That stuff’s nasty.  And there are worms, and if there are worms anywhere near any beverage, I’m not drinking it.  I’m not exactly one for little frou-frou girly drinks, but tequila is seriously icky.  I think people keep drinking it because they don’t remember in the morning how nasty it is.  They just wonder why they have their underwear around their necks.  In my experience, there are much more pleasant ways to end up with underwear around your neck–although when tequila is involved, it’s probably just as well to black out.  So, no, I don’t want a shot of tequila.  Not the cheap stuff, not the expensive stuff, not even if there’s no worm.  Stop asking, and bring me a beer.

 

5.  Learn to cook

I’ve tried.  I have cookbooks and I’ve watched cooking shows and I’ve planned romantic home cooked meals for current honeys.  But, dude, I’m blind.  As a result of my attempts at cooking, I’ve got scars all up and down my arms, nearly chopped off a finger, and ended up in the emergency room more than once.  I also set off the smoke alarms about a third of the time, and whenever I try to chop onions I have to lie down for twenty minutes with a damp cloth over my eyes.  Take out rocks.  Delivery rocks even harder.  I can order chinese food like a mofo.  Little Kung Pao Girl, that’s me.  I tried to learn to cook, and I failed.  Stop asking, or my health insurance company is going to drop me.

So there it is.  Five things I Absolutely Will Not Do.  Unless Johnny Depp asks me, and even then, he’d have to be dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow.  So stop asking.  Unless you’re Johnny Depp dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow.  Are you?

Captain Jack Sparrow

Image via Wikipedia