The world is fractured and I keep feeling lost
since he died. Time falters forward, pausing occasionally
to look for him. I glance over my shoulder
when I hear a twig break or a door sigh
the way he used to, though I try not to,
and I miss him again. He was a dream, an idyll and ideal
and now a martyr. His crusade for love
left him damaged and afraid, alone in his mind.
I couldn’t reach him in time and so he left
without me, escaping on eager, trembling wings.
I remember him when a conversation stutters,
when a star tumbles to the ground,
when a beautiful girl cries. Mercy
and grace must surely be his, if anyone’s. I believe
he came to rest among angels who understood him,
and now he shines in the diffuse indigo night
for everyone, and not just for me. I believe this
because as I stumble through the pieces of this world,
only the heavens make sense.
Monthly Archives: June 2016
Top 10 Things I Wish I Hadn’t Overheard
It’s not exactly true that having crappy vision means you have magic super-hearing to compensate. It’s more that you learn to listen carefully because you have to make the most of the senses you’ve got. At this point, my hearing is so sensitive that not only could I hear my cat peeing on the area rug one floor below my bedroom, it actually woke me up (true story). I was only half-asleep, but still: impressive, right?
Well, yes and no. For one thing, I had to get out of bed before dawn to clean up cat urine I could have happily not known about for another couple of hours. A bigger problem, though, is that modern social norms don’t really account for a sense of hearing that finely tuned. You know those embarrassing conversations you have in restaurants that you think are private because you’re talking quietly? I can hear them. Every word. If I could see, I wouldn’t know where to look.
It doesn’t end there, either. I can also hear what’s going on in the restaurant’s kitchen, which has ruined more than one date for me, and I can hear both sides of the conversation when you talk on your cell phone in public (most common topic, if you’re curious: how you really, really need to clean your apartment/house this weekend). It’s been an educational, voyeuristic, traumatizing experience. So, because I like you all just that much, I’m going to share with you the top ten things I wish I’d never overheard:
10. “I can’t file for divorce for another two months, so don’t tell anyone you’re pregnant yet.”
9. “He took out 27 inches of the guy’s colon, and there was no sign of a tumor in any of it.”
8. “Adult diapers are a lot more comfortable than they used to be.”
7. “I wouldn’t say she’s my girlfriend, I mean, it’s just too soon for that. She might be moving in, though.”
6. “It’s on the shelf below your grandmother’s urn.”
5. “The dry cleaner says she can’t do anything about the stain because it’s a biohazard.”
4. “It had to be your hair; you were the only one handling the spaghetti.”
3. “Yeah, I peed in his bed. I don’t understand why he’s making such a big deal about it.”
2. “Does the country of Europe have more states than we do? I can never remember.”
1. “I’ve been uncomfortable all day because the hole in my underwear is in the wrong place.”
You’re welcome! Feel free to share the things you wish you’d never overheard in the comments section. Or you can just mutter them under your breath. I’ll probably be able to hear you.
[image in public domain via pixabay.com]
Confessions Part Two: My Shameful Shrimp Addiction
image in public domain (pixabay.com)
Some people have said that the high point of evolution thus far is the human race, but I disagree. I think it’s shrimp. I love shrimp. I once wrote a poem about shrimp that I styled after She Walks in Beauty by Lord Byron; the first line was “They swim in yummy, like Brad Pitt.” If a genie appeared before me and offered to make me live forever on the sole condition that I never eat shrimp again, I’m honestly not sure if I’d say yes or no (though this scenario is highly unlikely, as I never polish my lamps). They’re just that delicious.
My weakness for the delectable decapod crustaceans will occasionally lead me to do things I would normally never do. For instance: one night my friends and I were at a restaurant sharing a platter of coconut shrimp. Now, I love my friends. I do. They’ve made me a better person and life without them would be a joyless wasteland. But I really wanted those shrimp. They were little curls of perfection in a crispy beer batter, and I wanted them all to myself. I would love to say that I wrestled with, or at least acknowledged, this ethical conundrum, but I didn’t. Instead, I said this:
Little Blind Girl: Hey guys, I read an article the other day that called video games the most interesting and provocative artwork since Picasso went blue. What do you think?
Here’s why saying that makes me a rotten person: half of my friends think video games are the primary cause of moral decay in modern society. The other half of my friends love video games the way I love shrimp. I knew this, and I made the statement knowing that it would immediately plunge my friends into an argument so fervid and fanatical that they would lose all track of the world (and the seafood) around them. This is an excerpt from the transcript:
Friend 1: No! You did not just compare Picasso’s Guernica to Call of Duty! Picasso created an enduring portrait of devastated innocence! I’ve watched you play Call of Duty, and the only thing you do is shoot people, die, and start over again!
Friend 2: Guernica and Call of Duty both make you think about the role of the individual in the face of violence and destruction!! And Call of Duty makes you take an active role in the process!! All you can do with Guernica is stare at it!!
Friend 3: Guernica confronts us with uncomfortable truths, whether we accept them or not!!! The most uncomfortable truth a video game will confront you with is that your reaction time is sub par!!! That isn’t art!!!
Man At Next Table Over: Didn’t Warhol say that art is what you can get away with?
Friend 1: OH REALLY? WELL, I BET I CAN GET AWAY WITH STABBING THIS FORK THROUGH YOUR HAND! SOMEBODY CALL THE LOUVRE!
You’ll notice that my name doesn’t appear in the transcript. That’s because, while my friends were vehemently debating the artistic merits of Grand Theft Auto, I was eating my way through the entire platter of shrimp. I took my time; you don’t rush culinary masterpieces like that. Plus, I knew my friends would keep going for at least 20 minutes, so I savored my spoils and enjoyed the show. I finished before they did, and they were all a little surprised to find the platter empty:
Friend 1: I don’t care what you say, no video game that lets you earn “star power” has any true artistic merit. (Glances at the table) Wow, have we eaten all the shrimp already?
Little Blind Girl: Looks that way.
Friend 2: I can’t remember eating any at all. Funny how you lose track of things sometimes.
Friend 3: I don’t know about you, but I’m still hungry. Let’s order another platter.
Little Blind Girl: Really? Well, okay, if you want to. Waiter!
(For those who are curious about the title: Here’s a link to Confessions Part One.)
Quiz! California: Great Song Topic Or Greatest Song Topic?
image in the public domain
Why are all the songs about California? Sure, there’s the occasional Sweet Home Alabama or Midnight Train to Georgia, and plenty of people are in an Empire State of Mind, but in the final analysis of pop songs about places, California tops the topic. I got a demonstration of this the other day when I put my iPod on shuffle and, in the space of 90 minutes, it played five songs about California and not a single track about Michigan, South Dakota, or Maine.
To be fair, Michigan and South Dakota are hard to rhyme. Maine is really, really easy to rhyme, though, and when was the last time anyone whipped or nae naed to a song about Maine? (Nae nae’d? Naed nae? Do you nae nae with your bae?) Here’s a quiz to help you figure out if you think California truly deserves to win the little gold statue for Best Song Topic By A Location or whether you think it just gets all the songs because it’s pretty:
1. So what is it about California girls, anyway?
A. They’re undeniable! Daisy dukes, bikinis on top…
B. I wish they all could be California girls.
C. Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz.
D. Soon as I stepped on the scene, I’m hearing hoochies screaming.
E. Spray tans and Photoshop. Nailed it!
2. How is it that, every time California is in a magazine or a movie, it looks like paradise? Isn’t there a massive drought there? And, like, a major earthquake fault line?
A. You could travel the world, but nothing comes close to the golden coast.
B. From Oakland to Sactown, the Bay Area and back down, Cali is where they put they mack down.
C. I was thinking to myself, ‘This could be Heaven or this could be Hell’
D. All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray.
E. I never thought paradise would have this many Kardashians.
3. The official state motto of California is “Eureka.” The unofficial state motto is:
A. The state where ya never find a dance floor empty.
B. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
C. Space may be the final frontier, but it’s made in a Hollywood basement.
D. We’ll melt your popsicle.
E. Sorry about all the Kardashians.
4. I’ve heard that all the nuts roll to California. Is that true?
A. Let me welcome everybody to the Wild, Wild West!
B. It’s the edge of the world and all of Western civilization.
C. Warm, wet, and wild; there must be something in the water.
D. And still those voices are calling from far away…
E. No. They roll to D.C. and stay there until it’s time to run for re-election.
5. All right, I’m sold. I’m going to California! Who’s with me?
A. Once you party with us, you’ll be falling in love.
B. Pack a vest for your Jimmy in the city of sex.
C. If I didn’t tell her, I could leave today.
D. What a nice surprise! Bring your alibis.
E. I would, but I have narcissophobia (fear of Kardashians)
Mostly A’s, B’s, C’s, or D’s: Party on, California girl! You know when to whip and when to nae nae, and you always make time to lay underneath the palm trees sipping gin and juice. Keep on living it up at the Hotel California! Just try to limit the money and alcohol fiendin’, and remember to practice safe Californication.
Mostly E’s: Congratulations! You hate politicians, Kardashians, and the culture of celebrity as much as I do. You win the quiz. You lose the internet, though; California won that a long time ago. Second place went to catz. Sorry.
The Velveteen Bumblebee
This is Bombee. He’s like baby shampoo, he doesn’t sting.
In my very tasteful study, with my very tasteful furniture and my very tasteful collection of objets d’art, I have a very old, very dilapidated stuffed bee. Its name is Bombee, so named by my sister when she was too young to be able to pronounce “bumblebee” correctly. Bombee actually lucked out, name-wise; my sister’s other stuffed animals were called things like Horse, Bear, and (the pinnacle of her creative expression) Whitey, a stuffed white whale. Just call her Ishmael.
At some point, Bombee got passed down to me. I vaguely remember my sister getting upset about this, but whenever I start to feel bad about it, I remember having to wear all her hand-me-down bellbottoms. In the Eighties. So I don’t feel too guilty that I ended up with Bombee. Later on, I also swiped a John Lennon t-shirt of hers, and I don’t feel bad about that, either. The bellbottoms were polyester, and one pair was bright red.
Bombee is a bit of a puzzle to me. Specifically, I’m puzzled about why, out of all my childhood toys and family mementos, the one I choose to display is a stuffed bee that looks like it has mange. What kind of a kid cuddles a stuffed bumblebee, anyway? At that age, the extent of my knowledge of bees was that it hurts when they sting, and sometimes their stings make people puff up and have to go to the hospital. I guess I’ve made worse choices when it comes to naptime companions, but it’s still pretty weird.
I wouldn’t even say that Bombee was my favorite toy as a child. I’ve had plenty of other toys I loved and played with more— for a while, at least; a lot of those other toys ended up breaking pretty quickly. I thought for years that it was my fault until I realized that the toys that broke were almost always the ones my parent found most annoying. Still, even my quiet toys all eventually got thrown out, passed along, or packed away, and now there’s just the mangy second-hand bumblebee and I don’t really know why.
If I had to guess, I might start with how it reminds me of my sister. After all, Bombee was hers before it was mine. She named it, played with it, and loved it, and I worshipped my sister. I still do, really, but these memories come from the very beginning of my life, and my sister was like a god to me then. Everything she did was perfect because she did it, and everything she loved was good because she loved it. Sure, I could just hang up a family photograph. But when was the last time you took a picture off the wall and cradled it because it held the blessing of your sister’s love?
And if that’s how I’d start, then I think I’d end with how Bombee is the first toy I can remember. I used to tuck it into the crook of my arm while I sucked my thumb. I think I even still wore onesies. Bombee has been in my story from the beginning, when I was too young to be able to pronounce “bumblebee” and much too young to be self-conscious about the shabbiness of my stuffed companion. Bombee lived with me in the kingdom where nobody dies. I guess I’m not ready to let go of that just yet.
How I Got My Snark Back
Dear Weird Guy I Met At The Bar,
I want you to know that, even though I wouldn’t give you my phone number or my real name, I’m so glad we met. Not because you said you liked my hair; although that’s usually a solid move with a girl, I’d recommend against using the word “fetish” within the first half hour of conversation. I appreciated the super-clear warning sign, don’t get me wrong, but maybe ease into that a little more slowly next time. With someone other than me. But that’s not why I’m glad we met.
It’s also not because we had a deep and meaningful conversation about the relevance of Eastern philosophies on contemporary Western living. We might have, if you had been able to pronounce the words “Bhagavad Gita,” but even if your speech hadn’t been slurred from what you initially claimed was your third beer and eventually admitted was your seventh, I doubt we would have ended up discussing the theistic aspects of moksha. Also, the “main dude” in the Bhagavad Gita is named Arjuna, not Arwen, and that’s still not why I’m glad we met.
I did get some entertainment out of listening to you try to convince me that you like doing yoga because you enjoy the female energy and that you never even notice the boobs of the women in your class. It was especially amusing because, for the ten minutes before you gazed into my eyes and made that earnest declaration, you’d been addressing most of your intoxicated musings to my cleavage. Not an original move, no, but the fact that you clearly had no idea you’d just been doing it gave it that special something so often missing from drunken ogling. Well done, sir! But that’s still not why I’m glad we met.
I’m glad we met because, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t just smile awkwardly while secretly snarking at you in my head. This time my smile was one of real enjoyment. I don’t know whether I was responding to some quality in you or whether there was just magic in the air that night, but when I heard you talk about actualizing your inner tranquility, I was finally able to give myself permission to snark out loud. You can’t imagine how good it felt after denying myself for so long. It was snark without shame, reckless and abandoned, and it was bliss. You gave me the best night I’ve had in a long time. You gave me my snark back. I’m so glad we met.
And if I didn’t say it last night, thanks for buying me the drink I was nursing while I mocked you to your face. It was delicious.
Snarks and kisses,
The Little Blind Girl
[images in the public domain via pixabay.com]
How Not To Be A Workout Buddy
So you’ve decided to get serious about going to the gym? You know, one of the best things you can do to improve your exercise routine is to get yourself a workout buddy. Studies have shown that people who exercise with a partner are more likely to reach their fitness goals. After all, no app, tool, or supplement can give you the kind of motivation you’ll get from a workout partner who really knows you:
Little Blind Girl: Hey, I know we’re supposed to go to the gym right now, but Skeeter’s Taco Shack is having this contest called “Guess the Fish” where you eat free if you can—
Friend: Nope. The last time we skipped our workout, you made me swear on Season Two of Grey’s Anatomy that I would never let you do that again, so go squeeze your doughy butt into some spandex. We’re hitting the gym.
Little Blind Girl: Nah, I’m gonna bail. Sorry, but there is nothing that could get me into my gym clothes right now.
Friend: (thinks for a second) Remember how you wore your fishnet stockings to that party the other night, but they’d gotten so tight that you had little criss-cross marks all over your legs the next day?
Little Blind Girl: Hand me that sports bra.
When you exercise with a buddy, gym time isn’t just more fun; it’s also more effective. Your friend will know when you’re not challenging yourself and can give you that extra push you need:
(while going for a run )
Friend: You sure you can’t go any faster? Okay, okay. Oh, hey, I’ve got a call. (talking into cell phone) Hello? Oh, hi, Grandma. How’d the surgery go? (pause) Me? I’m just out for a run with the Little Blind Girl. (pause) Sure, you can join us!
Little Blind Girl: Very funny.
Friend: (still talking into phone) No, Grandma, your wheelchair won’t slow us down.
Little Blind Girl: Your phone isn’t even on!
Don’t forget that you and your exercise buddy can help each other outside the gym, too. After all, no matter how much energy you put into your workout, you won’t see results if you don’t maintain a healthy diet:
(at Skeeter’s Taco Shack )
Little Blind Girl: Well, Skeeter, I’m impressed by the addition of sushi to your menu, especially at that price, but today I’m more in the mood for the pasta carbonara platter—with extra parmesan, of course— and if you could bump the portion size up to “Last Meal On Death Row,” that’d be great.
Friend: Guess how long you’d have to stay on the rowing machine to burn off all those calories?
Little Blind Girl: I’ll have the grilled chicken breast, please. No sauce.
And when all that effort finally starts paying off, no one will appreciate your hard-earned hard body more than the person who was with you for every rep:
Little Blind Girl: Check out my new arm muscles!
Friend: All right. (puts hand on Little Blind Girl’s bicep) Okay, flex.
Little Blind Girl: I am flexing!
Friend: Oh. Are you sure?
The buddy system isn’t just for crossing the street. When it comes to diet and exercise, there’s nothing like a partner to keep you motivated and on track. So if you’re serious about fitness, make sure that when you head to the gym, you bring along the most important equipment of all: a friend.
[Image is in the public domain via pixabay.com]
Insulting E-Cards By Shakespeare
Because I’ve had five migraines in the past two days and I’m not feeling very nice right now, and also because I love Shakespeare. Migraines, these e-cards are for you:
1. First migraine, lasted six and a half hours
2. Second migraine, woke me up from a dream in which I was a secretary for Johnny Cash, but he would only talk to me in song
3. Third migraine, had me seriously considering a DIY icepick lobotomy
4. Fourth migraine, I admit, made me its b*tch
5. Fifth migraine, took my joy, my dignity, and my will to live, mixed them in a blender with some ice cream and chocolate syrup, and drank them
I hope you enjoyed the results of my pain! Hang on, I feel another migraine coming on. Awesome. I’m gonna go not compare it to a summer’s day. Peace out, ye fat guts (Henry IV, Part 1. Sort of).
Lies My Bedtime Stories Told Me
My parents, like many others, used to read me bedtime stories in an attempt to get me to fall asleep. This almost never worked, but they couldn’t think of anything else and they weren’t allowed to dose me with whiskey, so they kept doing it. What I didn’t realize until much later is that those stories my loving parents told me night after night were filled to the brim with lies. By this, I don’t mean the talking animals or the magic beans—nothing so easily identified. Here are some of my bedtime stories and the lying lies they told me:
Cinderella
Cinderella, if you truly need a recap, is the story of a beautiful girl whose evil stepmother forces her into a life of drudgery, making her work all the time and never letting her have friends or go to parties (she may have just been a tiger mom, I’m not sure). Fortunately, on the night of the prince’s grand Let’s-Find-Me-A-Wife ball, Cinderella’s fairy godmother magics her raggedy clothes into a party dress and turns a pumpkin into a carriage so Cin can go get her freak on, with the warning that the carriage will turn back into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight and it’s a long walk home in glass slippers.
The lie this story told me was that you’re going to know exactly when the carriage will turn back into a pumpkin and you can totally plan around it. The truth is, it can happen at any time. You could be just walking in the door in your perfect magic ballgown, with everyone looking at you and the prince asking his courtiers, “Who’s the hottie,” when suddenly everything goes poof and you’re back in your raggedy dress, the prince is chatting up your stepsisters, and someone just made your carriage into a pie.
When things are about to turn to crap, you don’t have until the stroke of midnight and you don’t get a warning. It just happens, fairy godmother or no fairy godmother, and the lesson you should really take from all this is to learn how to drive a pumpkin.
The Ugly Duckling
This is the story of a bird hatched out of a mother duck’s egg that everyone assumes, reasonably enough, is a duck. The presumed duckling is so much uglier than the other ducklings that all the animals bully it and tease it until it runs away, lives in wretched isolation for a while, and finally decides to kill itself. Fortunately, before it does so, it gets a glimpse of its reflection in the water and realizes that it has grown into a beautiful swan, and it flies happily away along with all the other swans.
One of the lessons this story taught me was that, no matter how miserable you are as a child, as long as you grow up to be gorgeous, people will respect and admire you. In addition to being disturbing and unhealthy, this is also untrue. You may or may not grow up to be gorgeous, but even if you do, everyone back home is still going to think of you as the ugly duckling. You could go to your high school reunion a week after appearing on the cover of Vogue and the first thing you’ll hear will be, “Look, everyone, it’s Ugly Duck! Hey, Ugly Duck, remember how ugly you were? Man, I’ve never seen a duck look that ugly!” You can swan around all you want. To them, you’ll always be that freak who tried to pass herself off as a duck back in the day. On the upside, you’ll be able to beat them to death with your wings, so it’s not all bad.
Another lesson this story taught me was, maybe don’t be so mean to others that you make them want to die. I think that lesson was pretty solid, though, so I’m leaving it off the list of lies.
The Little Red Hen
This is the story about the mother hen who found a grain of wheat and asked the other farmyard animals to help her plant it. They all touched their snouts and beaks and said “Noes goes,” and the hen had to plant it herself. The same thing happened when she had to harvest and thresh the wheat, mill it into flour, and bake it into bread. Once the bread was ready to eat, the other animals were down to help, no problem, but the hen snapped her beak and said “Nyah, nyah,” and she and her chicks ate all the bread.
The lesson I learned from this story is that I’m the only one who has the right to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I then discovered that this was a vicious, heartless lie when I got my first paycheck. You see, no one had explained to me about tax withholdings. It came as a nasty surprise when the government, noticeably absent from the planting, harvesting, threshing, milling, and baking portions of the proceedings, got very interested in my bread once all the work was done. They got so interested, they snatched it right out of my hands.
Before I got even a crumb, the government had taken nearly half my bread and given it to all the barnyard animals who’d called nose dibs when it was time to do the work, because it didn’t want the poor things to starve. I didn’t exactly want them to starve, but that was my bread! I made it myself! I should decide who gets it. I’m still bitter about this, in case you can’t tell. Stupid lying hen. I hope she got ergot poisoning.
By the way, did you see what I did with the “bread” reference? ‘Cause bread is slang for money? Okay, I’ll stop.
Honorable Mentions: Sleeping Beauty and Snow White
In both of these stories, it’s viewed as totally cool that the guys mack on the girls while the girls are unconscious. It’s really not. Like, at all.
These are just some of the lies my bedtime stories told me. Parents, I’m not saying you’d be better off dosing your kids with whiskey to get them to go to sleep (that’s probably also a bad lesson to teach your kids). Just, maybe stick with Good Night, Moon, or better yet, “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.” That one’s nothing but truth.
[all images are in the public domain via pixabay.com]
iliketheworldfuzzy.com 