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As most of you know, certainly those of you who troubled to read the subtitle of the blog, I can’t see very well. When I watch television shows or movies, I depend a lot more on the voices of the actors than most people do. When an actor speaks without inflection or nuance, it doesn’t matter to me how cute he is or how pretty she is, or how stunning the sets or costumes are, I’m not getting anything out of the show.
On the other hand, there are actors who knock my socks off with their voices–and you know how I feel about my socks! So I’m offering to you a list of actors whose voices make me melt, and what (in another world) I would have them say. Clips are provided for reference; try closing your eyes and listening to them, without seeing the screen at all. Experience the world Little-Blind-Girl style. Then you can open your eyes and gaze at Brad Pitt and George Clooney all you want. Actually, George Clooney’s voice isn’t bad, either. But he can’t hold a candle to these guys:
1. Hugo Weaving: Really, this one should be obvious. I mean, the man managed to be a sex symbol while wearing a mask, gloves, and costume that covered every inch of his body in V for Vendetta. That’s the power of his voice.
In my mind, he’s saying, “Little Blind Girl, the days when you do not post to your blog are lost days for me. I cannot bear to speak of those times.”
2. Clint Eastwood: My God, this man’s voice will be sexy as he’s giving his deathbed utterance. Forget the squinty blue eyes, the lean face, the sensitive hands, just give me the voice. Seriously. Pick any movie he’s in, pop on an eyeshade, and play it. You’ll never be able to go back to watching network television again.
I like to imagine him saying, “Go ahead, Little Blind Girl, make my day.”
3. Morgan Freeman: If they ever make a movie about my life, I want the voice-over narration to be done by this man. Whenever I’m trying to make headway in some particularly tedious technical publication, I imagine it performed in the style of Morgan Freeman. Take out the instructions for your toaster oven and imagine him reading them. Good, huh? Man’s got talent.
In the interviews he gives in my imagination, Morgan Freeman says “The Little Blind Girl, she’s like the sun coming out after a storm, the fire when you’ve been out in the cold, the first flower of spring. You just sit and wait and think about that wonderful time in the future when she’ll come back into your life.”
4. John Hannah: Though he’s been in many movies, including Four Weddings and a Funeral, and the occasional television show, such as Carnivale, I think I like him best in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. Such a wonderful, versatile actor, with a wonderful, versatile voice. Take a listen:
In the movie of my life, his quote will be, “My God, Little Blind Girl, you’re magnificent! How do you wake up every morning looking so radiant?” Although, really, he could just read the cereal box with that accent.
5. Benedict Cumberbatch: The man whose voice inspired this post. Like many, I first became familiar with him through the BBC remake of the Sherlock Holmes stories, cleverly entitled Sherlock. He plays the title character, and never has an asexual high-functioning sociopath sounded so glorious. I’m in love with him for his voice alone. I’m sure he’s also a wonderful human being, and he’s certainly an outstanding actor…but it’s the voice. Listen to the video and you’ll understand why:
In a not-too-distant possible world in which he’s in love with me, he leans in and whispers into my ear, “Oh, Little Blind Girl, I’m ashamed of the things I want to do to you.”
So there you have it! What do you think? Are there better voices out there? What would you have Morgan Freeman say in the voice-over narration for the movie of your life? Tell me how right or wrong I am. Then go watch the BBC’s Sherlock. Trust me on this.