Didn’t You Get The Memo?

I visited a friend from high school not long ago.  In high school, he wasn’t part of the inner circle, though he wasn’t an outcast either.  But he fielded his fair share of bullying and cruel comments.  He never lost his temper about it, or even seemed to mind that much.  He said his father had told him to just let it go, that someday he would be their boss and make them all jump as high as he wanted.

My friend started a business that has become quite successful.  I met him at his office–lots of glass and steel and polished wood everywhere, and you can always tell when a place that’s decorated in the modern style is doing well or not by whether they can afford someone to clean all the smudges and fingerprints off of all the reflective surfaces every day.  When you’ve got that much square footage that’s got to be cleaned that carefully that often, you have to employ top-notch cleaners.

Anti-Advertising Agency and Finishing School on Flickr; modified for size

Anti-Advertising Agency and Finishing School on Flickr; modified for size

Anyway, I met him at his office.  Perfectly clean, not a smudge in sight, even though it was vibrating with activity.  Clearly doing quite well.  I was talking with him about old times when he winked at me, summoned his secretary into the office (his executive secretary, mind you.  He’s got two others) and gave her a message to email to the staff right away.  She left, and about a minute later, the entire building exploded with people running everywhere, clutching papers and looking really anxious.  Sadly, no one jumped, but I still almost fell out of my chair from laughing so hard!

So take heart, young ones.  Also, if you ever find yourself in my friend’s enviable position, be sure to include something in your memo about jumping, for my sake.

Top 10 Inappropriate Thoughts I Have Had During Meetings

A penny for your thoughts...Dollars for your t...

A penny for your thoughts...Dollars for your thoughts - NARA - 513735 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We’ve all been there.  The pointless meeting that drags on and on, during which you have one, maybe two items to contribute out of thirty listed on the agenda, but you have to be there for the whole thing, sitting in an uncomfortable chair and attempting to hide the fact that you’re actually doing sudoku.  We’ve all had those thoughts cross our minds, the ones we’d never say out loud, the ones induced by extreme boredom and by resentment stemming from the piles of work waiting for us back in our offices that, let’s face it, we wouldn’t be doing anyway.  Here are my top ten inappropriate thoughts, culled from a professional lifetime of being forced to sit around for long periods of time doing nothing productive whatsoever:

  1. I’ve had sexual encounters that took less time than this presentation, and that includes foreplay.
  2. Hmmm.  Doris’ sudden illness that kept her out of the office most of last week has left her with a very nice tan.
  3. Drink whenever someone uses the term “lateral thinking”!
  4. It takes a lot to make me wish I were back at my desk returning phone calls, but congratulations, because you’ve managed it.
  5. I know it’s only 9:30; is it wrong that I’m already fantasizing about lunch?
  6. Twenty bucks to the first person to make a comment using the phrase “They call me Mister Tibbs!”
  7. Wow.  At the end of the last presentation, I almost expected the speaker to do the Tebow.
  8. I realize that you have to look after your seriously ill child, but you should have thought of that before you agreed to be in charge of a major project.
  9. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!
  10. Braaaiiiinnnnnssss………

And there you have it.  If you’ve ever been in a meeting that started first thing in the morning and for which you had to come back after lunch, I know you know what I’m talking about.  Cheers!  And when it comes to your turn, keep it short.  Just imagine what everyone’s thinking about you…