Things I’m Afraid My Cats Will Someday Say To Me

IMG_0242I don’t talk to my cats, because I’m not a crazy cat lady.  Okay, I do talk to my cats, but I’m still not a crazy cat lady because they don’t answer me.  In English.  Yet.  I worry that someday they will, though, and here are some of the things I’m afraid they might say to me:

  1. Sometimes I just fake a purr so you’ll stop and I can get some sleep.
  2. I’m not sure the vet got everything down there, if you know what I mean.
  3. Not that I care what you’re wearing, because I’m a cat, and cats only have one outfit, and it’s awesome, but that shirt looks terrible on you.
  4. Why is it okay for you to feed us food you think smells disgusting?
  5. I can’t decide which of my favorite pee-spots to use.  Thoughts?
  6. We’re thinking of getting another human.
  7. So, I’ve memorized all your passwords and I just figured out how to type…
  8. Pass the remote, I want to watch that show about the Kardashians.
  9. Oh, hey, remember that time when you accidentally bashed my head on the doorknob and I couldn’t walk straight for, like, a week but you didn’t take me to the vet because it would mean you wouldn’t have beer money?  I do.
  10. Whatchu talkin bout, Willis?!

I’m a little surprised by number 8; I had them pegged as more “Say Yes To The Dress” types.  And if they ever do actually say number 10 I’ll die laughing, especially since in my head they sound like Zooey Deschanel.  I swear I’m not a crazy cat lady!  Maybe just crazy?


[Image in the public domain via]

Things Cats Can Do That My Ex-Boyfriend Never Managed

1.  Knock

2.  Wash

3.  Leave me the hell alone when I’m in a mood

scaredy cat

4.  Cover their poo (cat equivalent of flushing the toilet)

5.  Get their own food

Cat on birdhouse

6.  Just tell me when they’re pissed off

7.  Make themselves useful around the house

cat eating bug

8.  Chase their own tails…no, I tell a lie, he managed that one

9.  Make me love them!

Most adorable cat


How many calories can you burn playing Angry Birds?


weights (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In addition to tweaking my diet, I have to start a more intensive exercise program.  To this end, I’ve been looking at guides of promising-sounding activities and how many calories they burn, and I’ve noticed some serious omissions, really a complete lack of any activity I’m at all likely to perform.  To rectify this alarming deficiency, I would like to contribute my own list of everyday exercises that you (and, more importantly, I) can do at home or in the office, with a loose estimate of how many calories they’re likely to burn:

Little Blind Girl’s List of Everyday Exercises

  1. Banging your head against the desk/table/wall for five minutes:  15 calories
  2. Walking down to supply closet, forgetting what you went there for, walking back to office, then remembering and walking back to supply closet:  25 calories
  3. Doodling on legal pad while not really listening to tedious phone conversation:  20 calories/half hour
  4. Losing important file and cursing profusely while stomping around looking for it:  15 calories
  5. Losing important file and trying not to curse profusely because boss is around:  40 calories (note:  not recommended for extended durations)
  6. Searching for keys in the morning:  20 calories
  7. Transferring items from one purse to another (may qualify as weight training):  10 calories
  8. Throwing pen across room because it refuses to write smoothly:  5 calories, if you include walking over to where it fell and cleaning the mark off the wall
  9. Panicking over missed deadline:  15 calories
  10. Reading blogs when you should be doing work:  60 calories/hour

I am shocked that these have not yet shown up in the lists of common activities on the exercise sites.  Next you’ll be telling me that caffeine isn’t a vital nutrient!  We can’t all be professional athletes; get your exercise where you can, that’s what I say.  This list would make for an interesting exercise log, don’t you think?

Doctor’s note

English: Caricature of Dr. House MD famous tv ...

Image via Wikipedia

So it turns out I get cluster headaches.  For those of you in blissful ignorance, cluster headaches are sort of like migraines that want to kill you.  They’ve been likened to amputation without anesthetic, or childbirth without an epidural.  On the downside, I ended up in the ER.  On the upside, I scored some pretty sweet painkillers, and all I had to do was endure what has been described as the most intense pain a human can experience!  And I thought I’d put that behind me with my last Statistics class.

The doctors and nurses at the ER kept asking me to rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10.  I was there a while, and I had very little to do, so before the painkillers kick in, I will share with you the scale I came up with to give myself something to go by:

Little Blind Girl’s Scale of Relative Pain

Pick the level your pain most resembles:

1:  Listening to elevator music

2:  Getting ready to pay the cashier after waiting in a long line, only to remember that you left your card at home

3:  Extended exposure to talk radio

4:  Computer crashing just after you’ve finished a complex project and before you get a chance to save it

5:  Dry cleaner ruining your favorite outfit

6:  Realizing late on Christmas Eve that there’s one present you forgot to get

7:  Calling that hot guy/girl whose number you scored and finding out he/she gave you a fake number

8:  Your divorced parents each get remarried on the same day in different time zones and they both expect you to be at the wedding (has actually happened)

9:  IRS audit

10:  You can’t access the internet to be able to read the little blind girl’s blog!

All right, now that we’ve all acknowledged what’s really important in life, I’m off to have another bizarre prescription-influenced dream.  Last night I dreamed that I was in a meeting and one of my colleagues got up in the middle of the meeting and started doing a stand-up routine.  It was pretty good, too!  I think I’m most disturbed by the fact that I was dreaming about meetings.

Say good night, Gracie!  Good night, Gracie.