Lipstick horoscopes


lipstick (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a theory that you can predict how your day is going to go by the shade of lipstick you put on in the morning.  Guys, obviously this is going to have a very different application for you; the rules I’m about to lay on you really only apply to girls.  But for girls, I think you can take a cue from the shade of lipstick you’re drawn to while making up in order to get an idea of how things are going to play out:


First of all, there are different kinds of red, with different kinds of horoscopes to go with them.  If you’re talking about a warm red, you can expect men dressed as advertising executives from the fifties to take advantage of you while swilling liquor and smoking cigars.  This may be your thing; if so, go for that warm red.  If you pick a dark, purplish red, you can expect to hear a lot of derivative rock music in minor keys by distraught middle-class former English majors.  If you go for the blue-red, and I highly recommend a simple eye with a fine black eyeliner, a couple of coats of mascara, and a bone or taupe shadow to go with it if you do, you may end up killing someone, but you’ll look extremely sexy doing it.  For maximum effect, add matching heels.


Lady GaGa

Lady GaGa (Photo credit: ama_lia)

Again, there are a million different pinks out there.  My personal favorite is a kind of greyish-pink with a little bit of shimmer that’s light without being pale; if you choose this color, you are going to get into a battle of wits for extremely high stakes that you’ll probably win.  I wouldn’t just depend on the lipstick, though.  Have a backup plan, like lipgloss.  There is, of course, the highly unnatural Lady Gaga pink (seriously, she designed a shade exactly along these lines for MAC).  If you choose this shade, be careful when going to restaurants, particularly steakhouses, as you can expect sudden inexplicable urges to wear your entree.  A darker shade of pink, in the rose family, indicates a long sea voyage and unexpected wealth.  I don’t know, I’m running out of ideas here.  This is hard.


The thing about neutral lipstick is that, while there are literally thousands of shades of neutral lipstick, it’s almost impossible to tell them apart.  They all tend to have the same horoscope, which is that you will be overlooked, under-appreciated, taken for granted, and forgotten on your birthday.  Don’t wear neutral colors.  In the kind of life that calls for lipstick, you’re not going to get anywhere or achieve anything by blending in.  Wear purple lipstick.  I can predict with absolute certainty that, at the very least, you’ll get noticed.

Studio publicity portrait of the American actr...

Studio publicity portrait of the American actress Elizabeth Taylor. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Madame Little Blind Girl has spoken.  Cross her palm with silver to show your appreciation, or at least leave a comment on the post.  Choose and apply your lipstick with care!  There’s no telling the far-reaching consequences that decision may have on your life.  Don’t even ask what happens if the lipstick wears off by lunchtime.

And, guys:  whatever shade of lipstick you choose, I guarantee that your day will not be boring.  Just remember to wipe the corners of your mouth and touch up throughout the day.  Oh, and stay away from orange lipstick.  That rule applies to everyone!

Ask a Little Blind Girl, Part 2

Old woman at desk, 1967

Image via Wikipedia

It’s time for another installment of Ask a Little Blind Girl, because there just wasn’t enough crazy in the first go round.  This time, we have some really burning questions that I know you’ve all been wondering about.  I have actually been asked each of these questions–the first two I get pretty frequently.  The last one was just recently posed, but it’s an issue of such magnitude that I’m throwing it in right away, and I think you’ll understand why when you get to it.  So here we go:


1.  Little Blind Girl, I like to go out at night, but I can’t wear contacts and I’m too vain to wear my glasses.  How can I tell if a guy is hot if I can’t actually see him?

–Myopic in Manhattan

Dear Myopic in Manhattan:  Yeah, blind and vain is a really frustrating combination.  But if you’ve conquered the questions of how to put on eyeliner when you can’t see what you’re doing and how to navigate a crowded club in four inch heels with no depth perception, this one’s fairly easy.

Respect M.E.

Image via Wikipedia

Guys will treat girls as crappily as they can get away with.  The cuter the guy, the more he can get away with, because girls as a rule will let him.  Lesson 1 to take from all this:  Girls, grow a f*cking spine and stop putting up with this sh*t.  Lesson 2 to take from all this:  if a guy is treating you really nicely and is showing lots of courtesy, he’s either really ugly, happily married, or gay.

If a guy is treating you like you’re something he found on the bottom of his shoe after he walked the dog, you don’t have to know what he looks like to know he’s hot.  But trust me, he’s not worth it.  You put a lot of effort into getting all prettied up to go out, spend your time with someone who appreciates that.  If you never put your glasses back on, you’ll never know the difference.

2.  Little Blind Girl, why do you spend so long in the bathroom getting ready if you can’t even see what you look like?  What’s the point?

–Definitely a Guy in Way Too Much of a Hurry

Dear Definitely a Guy in Way Too Much of a Hurry:  You have completely misunderstood the point of the bathroom ritual for girls.  This is not just about trying not to look like death warmed over, thereby ensuring that I will appear unprofessional and a poor employment prospect, and it’s also not about attracting guys (although that would be nice) or impressing my girlfriends (who honest to God don’t care).  This is my meditation.


Image via Wikipedia

I could sit around in a lotus position humming for hours, or I could make myself pretty by doing unbelievably damaging things to my hair and putting acid directly on my face.  I choose acid.  Mostly because I find the lotus position incredibly uncomfortable, but also because I like the steam that comes from my curling iron when I’m frying the crap out of my hair.  I like to put on some soothing music, light some candles, maybe have a fruit smoothie, and coat my face in pounds of makeup so no one knows what I really look like.  This has the added benefit that when I turn to my life of crime, no one will be able to give a good description of me.  Bonus!  This is my “me” time.  Just let me have it.


3.  Dear Little Blind Girl:  Who’s sexier, Johnny Depp in full Captain Jack Sparrow regalia or Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry?


Dear Anonymous:  Oh, my God, why do you hate me?  I have no idea.  It’s like a paradox, like two things with this much sexy can’t exist at the same time or the universe will explode.  It’s just not possible, and yet–does anyone know if Benedict Cumberbatch has actually read any erotic poetry?  We may want to sign a treaty forbidding him to do it, just in case it ends up being too much sexy for one world.

Benedict Cumberbatch

Benedict Cumberbatch (Photo credit: honeyfitz)

And are we talking about really good erotic poetry?  I mean, Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow is the ultimate in visual sexy…but as a Little Blind Girl, I think I’m going to have to go with Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry.  I never thought the day would come.  Sorry, Johnny.  It’s not you, it’s me.  If anyone knows of any recordings of Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry, let me know.  Please.  Really, please.

Do first dates count as near-death experiences?

Lara Croft

Image via Wikipedia

Ok, since a decision has been made on my behalf that I should start dating again, which I really think I should have had a say in, but whatever, I want to lay down some ground rules.  Dating should be fun, it should be an adventure, it should not be a nerve-wracking, ego-wrecking form of torture akin to waterboarding.  Unless you’re into that.  Which I’m not.  So I’m setting up some ground rules to try to keep the process enjoyable:

1.  Getting Ready

For me, the date starts long before either you pick me up or we meet at whatever location.  I want to Get Ready.  Guys, I realize you don’t understand the process of Getting Ready, but it’s usually the best part of the date, so just let me have this one.  I like to spend a couple of hours in the bathroom cleansing, exfoliating, maybe putting on a nice calming mask, and then piling on about a pound of makeup and hair product so that I can look exactly like I usually do, but better.  I like to fake the I Eat Right And Take Care Of Myself look, because it’s never going to happen naturally.  I put on music, light candles, consult makeup books, ponder outfits…I’m a girl.  Let me do this and we’ll start out already having a great date.

2.  Too Much Information

I guess it’s good to have some warning, but I don’t really need to know about all your health issues on the first date.  Or the second.  I mean, if you’re dying of cancer, go ahead and tell me that.  That one’s important.  But if you’ve had a life-long battle with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, while that is certainly not any fun at all, I don’t necessarily need to hear about it at the restaurant, by candlelight, as we’ve just finished introducing ourselves.  That’s really more of a We’re In A Relationship Now kind of conversation, not a I Haven’t Yet Gotten Into Her Pants kind of conversation.  Think to yourself:  “If I were her and I had just told me this, would I be more or less likely to sleep with me?”  If the answer is more likely, go for it.  If it’s less, hold off until you cross the finish line.  Words to live by.

3.  Facebook Isn’t For First Dates

Please, please don’t friend request me right before or after our first date.  I want to be able to post about how I’m getting ready (see #1 above) or about how the date went and about how I rate you as a potential boyfriend.  I don’t want you to see that yet.  That’s the girl equivalent of peeing with the bathroom door open–which is another thing I don’t understand, but I’ll save that for a different post.  Also, things might not work out.  If you’re a jerk to me, I want to be able to post on Facebook about how awful you are and how glad I am we’re not together.  If you’re not a jerk to me and it still doesn’t work out, I don’t want to stare at your picture when it randomly pops up on my screen and start sobbing because you’ve ripped my little blind heart to pieces.  Then there’s the awkward phase where I know things aren’t working out but you don’t yet, or vice versa, and that just makes for a crap ton of awkward.  Just wait until we both know we’re on to something.

Ah, dating.  When else can a girl dress like a hooker and demand to be treated like a lady?  This should be fun!  It should be an action movie, a thriller, with chase sequences and fight scenes and maybe some explosions.  I’ve noticed there aren’t many of these things in most of the romantic comedies I’ve watched, but then, I’ve always taken a slightly different approach to romance.  Put your affairs in order, slip on a bullet-proof vest, and let’s go on a date!