Lipstick horoscopes


lipstick (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a theory that you can predict how your day is going to go by the shade of lipstick you put on in the morning.  Guys, obviously this is going to have a very different application for you; the rules I’m about to lay on you really only apply to girls.  But for girls, I think you can take a cue from the shade of lipstick you’re drawn to while making up in order to get an idea of how things are going to play out:


First of all, there are different kinds of red, with different kinds of horoscopes to go with them.  If you’re talking about a warm red, you can expect men dressed as advertising executives from the fifties to take advantage of you while swilling liquor and smoking cigars.  This may be your thing; if so, go for that warm red.  If you pick a dark, purplish red, you can expect to hear a lot of derivative rock music in minor keys by distraught middle-class former English majors.  If you go for the blue-red, and I highly recommend a simple eye with a fine black eyeliner, a couple of coats of mascara, and a bone or taupe shadow to go with it if you do, you may end up killing someone, but you’ll look extremely sexy doing it.  For maximum effect, add matching heels.


Lady GaGa

Lady GaGa (Photo credit: ama_lia)

Again, there are a million different pinks out there.  My personal favorite is a kind of greyish-pink with a little bit of shimmer that’s light without being pale; if you choose this color, you are going to get into a battle of wits for extremely high stakes that you’ll probably win.  I wouldn’t just depend on the lipstick, though.  Have a backup plan, like lipgloss.  There is, of course, the highly unnatural Lady Gaga pink (seriously, she designed a shade exactly along these lines for MAC).  If you choose this shade, be careful when going to restaurants, particularly steakhouses, as you can expect sudden inexplicable urges to wear your entree.  A darker shade of pink, in the rose family, indicates a long sea voyage and unexpected wealth.  I don’t know, I’m running out of ideas here.  This is hard.


The thing about neutral lipstick is that, while there are literally thousands of shades of neutral lipstick, it’s almost impossible to tell them apart.  They all tend to have the same horoscope, which is that you will be overlooked, under-appreciated, taken for granted, and forgotten on your birthday.  Don’t wear neutral colors.  In the kind of life that calls for lipstick, you’re not going to get anywhere or achieve anything by blending in.  Wear purple lipstick.  I can predict with absolute certainty that, at the very least, you’ll get noticed.

Studio publicity portrait of the American actr...

Studio publicity portrait of the American actress Elizabeth Taylor. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Madame Little Blind Girl has spoken.  Cross her palm with silver to show your appreciation, or at least leave a comment on the post.  Choose and apply your lipstick with care!  There’s no telling the far-reaching consequences that decision may have on your life.  Don’t even ask what happens if the lipstick wears off by lunchtime.

And, guys:  whatever shade of lipstick you choose, I guarantee that your day will not be boring.  Just remember to wipe the corners of your mouth and touch up throughout the day.  Oh, and stay away from orange lipstick.  That rule applies to everyone!

Ask a Little Blind Girl, Part 2

Old woman at desk, 1967

Image via Wikipedia

It’s time for another installment of Ask a Little Blind Girl, because there just wasn’t enough crazy in the first go round.  This time, we have some really burning questions that I know you’ve all been wondering about.  I have actually been asked each of these questions–the first two I get pretty frequently.  The last one was just recently posed, but it’s an issue of such magnitude that I’m throwing it in right away, and I think you’ll understand why when you get to it.  So here we go:


1.  Little Blind Girl, I like to go out at night, but I can’t wear contacts and I’m too vain to wear my glasses.  How can I tell if a guy is hot if I can’t actually see him?

–Myopic in Manhattan

Dear Myopic in Manhattan:  Yeah, blind and vain is a really frustrating combination.  But if you’ve conquered the questions of how to put on eyeliner when you can’t see what you’re doing and how to navigate a crowded club in four inch heels with no depth perception, this one’s fairly easy.

Respect M.E.

Image via Wikipedia

Guys will treat girls as crappily as they can get away with.  The cuter the guy, the more he can get away with, because girls as a rule will let him.  Lesson 1 to take from all this:  Girls, grow a f*cking spine and stop putting up with this sh*t.  Lesson 2 to take from all this:  if a guy is treating you really nicely and is showing lots of courtesy, he’s either really ugly, happily married, or gay.

If a guy is treating you like you’re something he found on the bottom of his shoe after he walked the dog, you don’t have to know what he looks like to know he’s hot.  But trust me, he’s not worth it.  You put a lot of effort into getting all prettied up to go out, spend your time with someone who appreciates that.  If you never put your glasses back on, you’ll never know the difference.

2.  Little Blind Girl, why do you spend so long in the bathroom getting ready if you can’t even see what you look like?  What’s the point?

–Definitely a Guy in Way Too Much of a Hurry

Dear Definitely a Guy in Way Too Much of a Hurry:  You have completely misunderstood the point of the bathroom ritual for girls.  This is not just about trying not to look like death warmed over, thereby ensuring that I will appear unprofessional and a poor employment prospect, and it’s also not about attracting guys (although that would be nice) or impressing my girlfriends (who honest to God don’t care).  This is my meditation.


Image via Wikipedia

I could sit around in a lotus position humming for hours, or I could make myself pretty by doing unbelievably damaging things to my hair and putting acid directly on my face.  I choose acid.  Mostly because I find the lotus position incredibly uncomfortable, but also because I like the steam that comes from my curling iron when I’m frying the crap out of my hair.  I like to put on some soothing music, light some candles, maybe have a fruit smoothie, and coat my face in pounds of makeup so no one knows what I really look like.  This has the added benefit that when I turn to my life of crime, no one will be able to give a good description of me.  Bonus!  This is my “me” time.  Just let me have it.


3.  Dear Little Blind Girl:  Who’s sexier, Johnny Depp in full Captain Jack Sparrow regalia or Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry?


Dear Anonymous:  Oh, my God, why do you hate me?  I have no idea.  It’s like a paradox, like two things with this much sexy can’t exist at the same time or the universe will explode.  It’s just not possible, and yet–does anyone know if Benedict Cumberbatch has actually read any erotic poetry?  We may want to sign a treaty forbidding him to do it, just in case it ends up being too much sexy for one world.

Benedict Cumberbatch

Benedict Cumberbatch (Photo credit: honeyfitz)

And are we talking about really good erotic poetry?  I mean, Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow is the ultimate in visual sexy…but as a Little Blind Girl, I think I’m going to have to go with Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry.  I never thought the day would come.  Sorry, Johnny.  It’s not you, it’s me.  If anyone knows of any recordings of Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry, let me know.  Please.  Really, please.

I have a dream (no, not that one)

English: Bathroom Refacing

Image via Wikipedia

I beg your pardon in advance if this is offensive, but I’ve had a really aggravating time of it lately trying to get ready in the morning:

I have a dream that, one day, the bathrooms of this nation will have enough outlets that all hairstyling and skincare electronics can be plugged in at the same time side by side.  I dream that the skincare electronics will not have to be swept aside to make room for the haircare tools, but can each achieve their purposes in harmony and true equality as God and Revlon intended.

I have a dream that the water in every shower will be able to reach temperatures of actual heat, instead of staying bogged down in the merely tepid.  I see it, I have this vision, of steam rising from a thousand bathtubs, washing away the aches of the world.  I dream of real, meaningful water pressure, of light bulbs that last, of hairdryers that don’t short out every four months.

I have a dream that even among the plumbers, with their words of equivocation and denial and their obscene bills for service, even among the plumbers and the electricians and the contractors this vision will shine through, and we will all climb together from the valley of cramped, ill-lit bathrooms up to the mountains of sufficient space and natural light, where the outlets are plentiful and the water pressure never fails, where the drains never clog and the water never suddenly plunges from room temperature to freezing cold without warning.

And when this happens, when we are all able to use our bathrooms without aggravation, then we will all, male and female, parent and child, sister and brother, college roommate and awkward one-night stand, hold hands and sing together, “Clean at last, clean at last!  Thank God Almighty, we are clean at last!”

In the eye of the beholder

Beauty Products

Image by OrangeCounty_Girl via Flickr

I’ve received some questions about how a legally blind girl manages with makeup, so I thought I’d post a typical day’s beauty routine.  Maybe it will answer a few questions; probably, it will raise a few more.

7:00 AM:  Alarm goes off.  Pretend I don’t really need to get up yet, hit snooze several times.

7:21 AM Look at alarm clock in panic, jump out of bed and into shower.

7:22 AM Debate whether to use volumizing or hydrating shampoo.  Think, do I want to go for a Kate Middleton look or an Angelina Jolie look with my hair today?  Realize likelihood of either look actually panning out, sigh, reach for whatever’s nearest.

7:25 AM Carefully massage conditioner only onto length of hair as have been told to do by trade journals, a.k.a. beauty magazines.  Let conditioner soak in while hesitating between exfoliating face wash and deep pore cleansing face wash.  End up using same orange goop have used since high school.

7:32 Take life in hands by attempting to shave while blind and with hot water streaming in eyes.  Cut self, curse, repeat.

7:41 Step out of shower, dry self, bandage wounds.  Look closely in mirror.

7:42 Sit sobbing on toilet, asking self why self looked in mirror just out of the shower.  Am hideous, am ravaged by age, am doomed to die alone.

7:46  Gather courage in hands, apply makeup with trowel, check in mirror again.  Am slightly less hideous, now willing to face public exposure.

7:54 Carefully avoid scale.

7: 55 Apply volumizer, shine enhancer, heat protector, styling spray, styling gel, blow dryer, curling iron, and product from Home Shopping Network am unwilling to name as is too embarrassing.  End up with hair resembling neither Kate Middleton nor Angelina Jolie, but closer to Olsen twins during their celebrated Bag Lady period.

8:12 Get dressed, eat breakfast, check news to make sure we aren’t at war with anyone new since yesterday.

8:15 Leave for work.

8:30 Arrive at office.  Boss arrives at same time, says to self “oh, you kids, you can just roll out of bed and look pretty.”  Feel all was worthwhile.  Proceed with rest of day.

I think the lesson of this post is, beauty is never in the eye of the beholder when the beholder is looking in the mirror, even when the beholder can’t actually see herself clearly.  Maybe especially then.  Anyway, there you go:  fairly typical for women, I think, regardless of visual acuity.  I think the part my colleagues will find funniest about this post is the part where I claim to arrive at work by 8:30…