Top 10 Inappropriate Thoughts I Have Had During Meetings

A penny for your thoughts...Dollars for your t...

A penny for your thoughts...Dollars for your thoughts - NARA - 513735 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We’ve all been there.  The pointless meeting that drags on and on, during which you have one, maybe two items to contribute out of thirty listed on the agenda, but you have to be there for the whole thing, sitting in an uncomfortable chair and attempting to hide the fact that you’re actually doing sudoku.  We’ve all had those thoughts cross our minds, the ones we’d never say out loud, the ones induced by extreme boredom and by resentment stemming from the piles of work waiting for us back in our offices that, let’s face it, we wouldn’t be doing anyway.  Here are my top ten inappropriate thoughts, culled from a professional lifetime of being forced to sit around for long periods of time doing nothing productive whatsoever:

  1. I’ve had sexual encounters that took less time than this presentation, and that includes foreplay.
  2. Hmmm.  Doris’ sudden illness that kept her out of the office most of last week has left her with a very nice tan.
  3. Drink whenever someone uses the term “lateral thinking”!
  4. It takes a lot to make me wish I were back at my desk returning phone calls, but congratulations, because you’ve managed it.
  5. I know it’s only 9:30; is it wrong that I’m already fantasizing about lunch?
  6. Twenty bucks to the first person to make a comment using the phrase “They call me Mister Tibbs!”
  7. Wow.  At the end of the last presentation, I almost expected the speaker to do the Tebow.
  8. I realize that you have to look after your seriously ill child, but you should have thought of that before you agreed to be in charge of a major project.
  9. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!
  10. Braaaiiiinnnnnssss………

And there you have it.  If you’ve ever been in a meeting that started first thing in the morning and for which you had to come back after lunch, I know you know what I’m talking about.  Cheers!  And when it comes to your turn, keep it short.  Just imagine what everyone’s thinking about you…

Counting the minutes

Meetings are sometimes held around conference ...

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Why no one asks the Little Blind Girl to take minutes anymore:

Minutes for 764th meeting of Pointless Organizational Subcommittee:

Meeting called to order at 8:27 by chairman U.C., running ten minutes late as usual and then spending another seventeen minutes detailing the ongoing saga of his children’s college admissions attempts.  Had he stayed home and helped them study instead of chairing five different subcommittees, those attempts might be more successful.  Chairman covers this fact by extolling the virtues of starting out at community college.  Polite agreement all around, followed by vicious whispers to the contrary the moment the chairman’s back is turned.

Old Business:  Treasurer B.S. called uncomfortable attention to the fact that our account balance is currently in the negative due to over half the members neglecting to remit the funds collected by the recent fundraiser.  23-minute debate ensued on whether the last fundraiser was the bake sale or the pizza dough catalog (it was neither).  Debate ended when A.L. accused G.C. of buying baked goods at the store and passing them off at the bake sale as homemade (true), to which G.C. responded by saying that she was not going to listen to that from someone wearing polyester capris with ankle socks (sadly, also true).  Topic tabled until criminal charges from resulting fistfight are concluded.

Français : photo de paintball

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New Business:  New member L.T. suggested a team-building activity, mentioning a local paintball facility offering packages and group rates.  While entertained by the mental image of fellow subcommittee members decked out in camo gear and shooting at each other while hiding behind trees and shouting things like “Community Outreach will never surrender!”, the writer felt obligated to remind the other members that the lawsuit that had resulted from the last team-building exercise has not yet been resolved and that any future such activity may imperil the ongoing and very delicate negotiations with the victim’s family.  Sullen looks and murmurs of “couldn’t have been expected to know the harness would break” (false) and “never liked him anyway” (true, but not helpful) could be heard.  Topic tabled on advice of counsel.

Sub-Subcommittee on Holiday Activities asked for a vote on official theme for Generic All-Inclusive Non-Denominational Holiday Party.  Choices were debated and vote was taken by ballot, with the following results:

1.  Happy Various-Excuses-For-Presents Season!            37% of vote

2.  It’s Too Cold For A Party, So Let’s Just Drink                26% of vote

3.  My Quasi-Religious Holiday Figure Has A Better Costume Than Yours            19%

4.  Please Excuse My Colleagues, They Can’t Help Being Offensive                     16%

Business was deemed concluded when the chairman began retelling the story of his son’s visit to State College, at which he’s planning on majoring in Putting Off The Job Search.  Apparently, State College offers a doctoral degree in the subject.  The meeting adjourned at 9:34, slightly earlier than anticipated, at which point P.D. left the meeting room only to discover his wife, H.D., in the coat closet with B.S.’s husband.  This writer could have warned him about that a long time ago, but really, where’s the fun in that?

I refuse to go to boring meetings.  It’s just not worth it unless someone sheds some blood.  Not that I instigate any of it.  I think I captured the essential business of the meeting, don’t you?  Don’t you want me to take minutes of your meetings?