The return of the evil hamster

The Little Blind Girl has gone out to run errands, so I, the Evil Hamster, will be writing today’s blog entry.  Yes, let the sycophantic cheers and the wailing and lamentations from the unbelievers echo through the streets:  the Evil Hamster is back!

I see that my soft-hearted mistress has been tagged with an Internet Meme and, being the shy and retiring creature that she is, has been reluctant to take up the challenge.  But I, who have no such inhibitions, shall gladly put forward this manifesto of Ten Burning Questions as tagged from Sunny Side Up!

1.  Describe yourself in seven words:

Genius, Visionary, Brilliant, Terrifying, Awe-inspiring, Legendary, Furry.

2.  What keeps you up at night:

Perfecting my plans for world domination.

3.  Who would I like to be?

How could I want to be anyone other than myself?  There are those who weep and gnash their teeth because they cannot approach the glory that is me.  But if I had to be someone else, I suppose I could deal with being Napoleon.  Had I been fighting the Battle of Waterloo, history would have taken a very different course.

4.  What are you wearing right now?

There is no apparel in this world more magnificent than my fur coat.  Cruelty-free, of course; all my cruelty comes from inside!

5.  What scares you?

Nothing!  I am fearless, I am what the monster under the bed has nightmares about.  I stalk the streets in the certain knowledge that the worst thing lurking in the shadows is me.  When you turn out the lights and climb into your warm, comfortable beds and close your eyes at night, remember that somewhere out there, preparing for his great moment, is the Evil Hamster.

6.  The best and worst of blogging:

I see my mistress slaving away at the blog and wonder at the effort she puts in to a mere four or five hundred words nearly every day.  She starts out each post saying, “This is going to be the funniest post ever!” and ends it by saying, “I’m not even sure I should publish this.  It’s garbage!  No one’s going to laugh at this.”  I have never experienced self-doubt, but I think it must be the worst part of blogging.  The best part, of course, is the comments, which is probably why my mistress keeps at it every day.

7.  The last website you visited:  I’ve been asked to be the keynote speaker.

8.  What is the one thing you would change about yourself?

I am the pinnacle of evolution!  Everything about me is what life has been striving to create for billennia!  But now that you mention it, I think I’d make myself a bit…taller.

9.  Slankets, yes or no?

My God, man!  What sort of a blog do you think this is?

10.  Tell us something about the person who tagged you:

Lori Ann Franks, who writes Sunny Side Up, is not personally known to me.  However, since my  soft-hearted mistress regularly reads and laughs uproariously at her blog, I suppose I may spare her come the revolution.  She appears to be a very erudite, humorous writer who possesses both common sense and a sense of the bizarre, a rare and worthwhile combination.  I may install her as court jester, or perhaps as personal groomer; I will definitely not, however, make her the official driver!

Our training program is still in its infancy

Ah, I hear my mistress at the door.  I must leave you now and return to my training camps to inspire the recruits.  Remember, when you hear a tiny click-clack from somewhere behind the walls and you wonder what’s creeping about, the Evil Hamster is laying his plans!  You will never know what is coming until the blow falls!  Viva la revolución!

Happy Holidays from the Hamster

There's a lot of Christmas stuff inside. This ...

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My Sainted Mother came this weekend for a visit.  I don’t have a spare bed, so she stays in a hotel when she visits, and over the years she has gotten rather attached to one hotel in particular.  It’s to the point where the concierge knows her and greets her fondly when she walks through the automatic doors, and the girl behind the desk gets her a free upgrade to a better room, and the waiter at the restaurant will tell her about the latest installment in his ongoing health saga–of which she remembers all the details.  One of these days I’m going to find out she came to town, visited the people in the hotel, and left without bothering to see me!  Actually, I’m not 100% sure that hasn’t already happened.

This time we were admiring the Christmas decorations in the lobby.  Well, Sainted Mother was admiring the decorations.  I, having had a very long day, was yawning discreetly and thinking about what on earth to post to my blog when I got home.  We had the following conversation:

Sainted Mother:  Isn’t that a beautiful Christmas display?

Little Blind Girl:  (glancing covertly at the game on the television) Absolutely.

SM:  Last year, So-and-so decorated the lobby, and he always uses a more traditional style.

LBG:  (tries to see score without squinting) Does he?

SM:  But Other Person decorated this year.  I’m really not sure what’s on the top of that tree.  It looks like an African tribal mask.

LBG:  (thinking about blog) That’s nice.

SM:  No it isn’t!

LBG:  (without missing a beat) That’s terrible!

Thank goodness Sainted Mother has a sense of humor!  So much so that she got me a little Happy Hamster button for Christmas, in honor of the picture of a hamster that I posted not too long ago.  It’s just a big button with a picture of a manically grinning hamster on it, and if you press it, it says things like “A happiness train just left the station, and it’s coming right at you!  Choo choo happy train!”  It was actually my favorite gift.

I threw the bag I put it in on the floor of the car and that was enough to trigger the hamster button, and I got this vivid mental picture of my Sainted Mother on her way here, in the car for several hours, with that hamster button packed away in the back and pushing up against something every time she made a turn or stopped suddenly.  “You deserve to be happy–you’re turning left!”  “It’s so happy to have to brake suddenly because the a**hole in front of you doesn’t know how to drive!  Happy happy happy!” All I can say is, to listen to that for hours and still smile, she must really love me.  Either that or she finally lost the rest of her marbles and went to her…happy place?

So here’s to family during the holidays, still glad to see you even after the holiday preparations have driven them out of their minds.  Because that’s how you can tell who really loves you, isn’t it?

Pick up lines by Johnny Depp

I’ve become something of a connoisseur of pick-up lines.  I thought I’d get my good friend Johnny Depp to help me present my top ten favorite pick-up lines for your entertainment:

10.  Johnny’s always so polite:

9.  Oh, Johnny, you can have my number any time:

8.  I love this one.  You win either way:

7.  Actually shouted out of a window at a friend once, though sadly not by Johnny Depp:

6.  Best used earlier in the evening, as slurring will lessen the impact:

5.  Works surprisingly often, especially when you look like this:

4.  A classic for a reason:

3.  This one depends heavily on delivery:

2.  This one may be apocryphal:

1.  My all-time favorite:

Many thanks to Johnny Depp for helping me with this post.  May your box office returns ever increase.  I leave you now with a highly requested image:  I’ve been asked what I actually look like, so I’m posting a picture of me writing this blog.  Enjoy!