Tag Archives: fashion

Lipstick horoscopes

lipstick

lipstick (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a theory that you can predict how your day is going to go by the shade of lipstick you put on in the morning.  Guys, obviously this is going to have a very different application for you; the rules I’m about to lay on you really only apply to girls.  But for girls, I think you can take a cue from the shade of lipstick you’re drawn to while making up in order to get an idea of how things are going to play out:

Red

First of all, there are different kinds of red, with different kinds of horoscopes to go with them.  If you’re talking about a warm red, you can expect men dressed as advertising executives from the fifties to take advantage of you while swilling liquor and smoking cigars.  This may be your thing; if so, go for that warm red.  If you pick a dark, purplish red, you can expect to hear a lot of derivative rock music in minor keys by distraught middle-class former English majors.  If you go for the blue-red, and I highly recommend a simple eye with a fine black eyeliner, a couple of coats of mascara, and a bone or taupe shadow to go with it if you do, you may end up killing someone, but you’ll look extremely sexy doing it.  For maximum effect, add matching heels.

Pink

Lady GaGa

Lady GaGa (Photo credit: ama_lia)

Again, there are a million different pinks out there.  My personal favorite is a kind of greyish-pink with a little bit of shimmer that’s light without being pale; if you choose this color, you are going to get into a battle of wits for extremely high stakes that you’ll probably win.  I wouldn’t just depend on the lipstick, though.  Have a backup plan, like lipgloss.  There is, of course, the highly unnatural Lady Gaga pink (seriously, she designed a shade exactly along these lines for MAC).  If you choose this shade, be careful when going to restaurants, particularly steakhouses, as you can expect sudden inexplicable urges to wear your entree.  A darker shade of pink, in the rose family, indicates a long sea voyage and unexpected wealth.  I don’t know, I’m running out of ideas here.  This is hard.

Neutral

The thing about neutral lipstick is that, while there are literally thousands of shades of neutral lipstick, it’s almost impossible to tell them apart.  They all tend to have the same horoscope, which is that you will be overlooked, under-appreciated, taken for granted, and forgotten on your birthday.  Don’t wear neutral colors.  In the kind of life that calls for lipstick, you’re not going to get anywhere or achieve anything by blending in.  Wear purple lipstick.  I can predict with absolute certainty that, at the very least, you’ll get noticed.

Studio publicity portrait of the American actr...

Studio publicity portrait of the American actress Elizabeth Taylor. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Madame Little Blind Girl has spoken.  Cross her palm with silver to show your appreciation, or at least leave a comment on the post.  Choose and apply your lipstick with care!  There’s no telling the far-reaching consequences that decision may have on your life.  Don’t even ask what happens if the lipstick wears off by lunchtime.

And, guys:  whatever shade of lipstick you choose, I guarantee that your day will not be boring.  Just remember to wipe the corners of your mouth and touch up throughout the day.  Oh, and stay away from orange lipstick.  That rule applies to everyone!

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Clothes are better than diaries

Wall Closet

Wall Closet (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I clean out my closet fairly often, since I don’t have much room for clothes and therefore can’t keep items that don’t fit or that I don’t wear.  I’ve been more or less the same size since high school, so I’ve got a few items that are pretty old, and it’s funny to trace my evolution through my fashion choices.

I still have the olive green corduroys with butterflies on the back pockets that a friend persuaded me to buy in college with money that really should have gone toward things like printer paper and food. I still fit in them because I habitually buy frivolous items with money that should have gone toward food.  They’re actually a little big on me now, but it’s okay because I’m much more likely these days to slouch around a park in the afternoon than to go to a party.  Just as well to have the extra room.  It’s hard to slouch effectively in tight pants.

Then there are the lace-up black ankle boots that I fell in love with fifteen years ago and had to have, and that I still wear because they have brilliant rubber soles with tread in addition to three-inch spike heels, and I’m convinced I could outrun attackers, defuse the bomb and save the boy when I’m wearing those boots.  I can wear them just about anywhere, in any setting.  I’ve gone hiking in them, and I’ve gone to church in them.  Other boots have come and gone, but the black ankle boots remain, and are a pretty good metaphor for who I am.

 

John Lennon

John Lennon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But I think my favorite item of clothing is a T-shirt that I stole from my big sister, a T-shirt of John Lennon in NYC.  It’s as old as I am, thin as tissue, with holes in areas that necessitate wearing it with another shirt underneath if I’m going out in public.  It’s authentic vintage and definitely the coolest piece of clothing in my closet.  Cooler than the jacket that looks like leather but is actually animal-friendly and washable, cooler than the gold silk skirt that will always look classy no matter what’s in style, cooler than the classic white button-down blouse my mother got me when I landed my first grown-up job.  Of course, it’s that much cooler since I had to filch it from my sister’s drawer when she was still living at home!  Sorry, Big Sis.  I love you, but we’re talking John Lennon here.

These days I mostly buy suits and pantyhose, with the occasional pair of neutral-colored slacks and a tasteful selection of work-appropriate shirts.  But back in the day, I rocked torn jeans and a vintage tee.  Sometimes I still do, on the weekends.  Maybe I’ll drag Johnny out tomorrow, hit a few bars, and see if I get carded.  Like I said at the beginning of this post, I don’t have room to store clothes I don’t wear!

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Clothes I just don’t get

I love clothes.  I’m a girl, a girly girl, with purses and shoes and makeup and everything.  But even I’ll admit that some clothes, I don’t get.  This came home to me while I was perusing one of those online sample sale things where the designer clothes are marked way, way down to prices still completely outside my price range.  It’s safer to internet-shop than to window-shop, I’ve found, primarily because there are no dressing rooms online.  Still, no dressing room is going to make any of these things make sense to me:

1.  Jeggings

Leggings and jeans should never go together.  What was the inventor of jeggings thinking? “Hmm, what should I wear today, leggings or jeans?  It’s impossible to choose, they’re both so comfortable and flattering.  I know!  I’ll combine the two into something not nearly as comfortable as either leggings or jeans and horrifically unflattering into the bargain!  Wow, this fashion contribution is going right up there with the poncho, I can just tell!”

 

2.  Partial bikini sale

Technically, this isn’t an objection to an item of clothing, but it’s related.  I don’t understand why I keep seeing one part of a bikini on sale.  Except in certain parts of Europe, the two parts go together.  Was one half of the bikini flying off the shelves, but try as they might, the stores just couldn’t move the other half?  I don’t understand.

 

 

 

3.  Miniskirt and Uggs together

College girls, you know you’re guilty of this.  Just because you’re little and cute doesn’t excuse this fashion absurdity (disclaimer: there is a vocal minority that would say otherwise.  They can find their own blog.  In fact, I’m pretty sure they already have).  If it’s warm enough to wear a miniskirt, it’s too warm to wear fleece-lined boots.  If it’s cold enough that you need fleece-lined boots, it’s too cold to wear a miniskirt, I don’t care how thick your tights are.  Just stop.

 

4.  Skinny jeans

I firmly believe that Kate Moss invented these in order to have something that makes her look like she has hips.  For everyone else on the planet, these just make us look chunky around the middle and generally ill-proportioned.  Wearing skinny jeans will, alas, not make us look like Kate Moss.  That requires years of conscientious anorexia and diligent purging.  Until then, just wait patiently for this tragic fad to pass.

 

5.  Short-sleeved coats

WTF?  I mean, seriously, WTF?

 

 

 

 

 

 

And there you have it.  Shopping with the Little Blind Girl is a mix of high-pitched squeals, sudden rushes into the sock section, and holding out an item of clothing in utter confusion, wondering how much someone got paid to design it and what they were on at the time.  Someday someone is going to wear a bikini top with a miniskirt over skinny jeggings and Uggs, all covered with a short-sleeved coat, and my head is going to explode.  I’ll bet if I looked hard enough, I could find a picture on the Internet of someone dressed like that right now.

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Donate a Mirror to a Celebrity

There are all manner of appalling, heartrending tragedies all around the globe.  Here at iliketheworldfuzzy, we’re highlighting the sadly-neglected plight of celebrities without mirrors.  Throughout the year, but especially now during awards season, it is painfully obvious that many celebrities do not have that basic staple so many of us take for granted:  a mirror.  It is also clear that many do not have true friends who will tell them when they look completely ridiculous or when an outfit or hairstyle simply does not suit them, but there are some problems even the Little Blind Girl can’t fix.  So we’re taking up a collection to bring relief to the needy celebrities who appear to have no idea what they look like when they step outside the door and fall prey to the ruthless paparazzi.

These poor celebrities have no points of reference when attempting to apply the always-tricky smoky eye makeup technique.  They have no idea that the floral pants craze currently circulating among those with more money than sense looks absolutely horrendous and that such prints should stay on the bedsheets in the spare room where they belong.  Even the obscenely good-looking are not exempt.  Oh, Jessica Alba, beloved of this blog, had you no reflective surface before you got dressed in the morning?  Were you so distracted by your rugrats that you forgot to check your reflection before you left the house?    Or are you one of the many unfortunates deprived of that basic celebrity necessity?  Look at those pants!  We are in a state of emergency.  The need for mirrors among celebrities is dire, and the problem is only getting worse.

We can’t hope to fix the problem overnight, but we can give what we’ve got to help stem the tide of fashion and beauty disasters currently flooding the streets of Hollywood.  There are those whose bangs more resemble a crew cut than a soft fringe.  There are those who look at us innocently from behind raccoon eyes of excessive eyeshadow and mascara, unaware of their hideous plight.  How can we turn our backs on these suffering idols?  Take out your checkbooks, dig through your attics for old mirrors, and give back to those who have given us so much.  Give a celebrity a mirror, and help make the world (as represented by that cultural mecca, Los Angeles) a better place.  We here at iliketheworldfuzzy thank you, and with your help, we will put a mirror in the home of every celebrity.  Never stop trying, and keep on seeing the world fuzzy!

 

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The results of fashion hubris

Where'd I Leave My Sunglasses

CC Image courtesy of Thomas Hawk on Flickr

This is what happens when blind girls try to be cool:

I recently went on a second date with a guy, my first second date in quite a while.  He’s tall, and I picture him as dark and handsome, and he has a great voice, so all is well thus far.  He asked where I wanted to go, and I said “Anywhere where I can wear flats,” so he took me to a meditation seminar.  Promisinger and promisinger.  Then, after the meditation seminar, we went out for extremely unhealthy food and mocked the seminar presenter mercilessly.  Could it get any better?  Yes, yes it could.

He dropped me off–at my door, after leading me up the steps because he knows I’m legally blind (I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I walk those steps every day of my life and could walk them if I were completely blind).  It wasn’t until then, at the end of the date, that I realized that I was actually wearing two different kinds of shoes!  And I’d been going on and on about what a relief it was to wear flats!  All afternoon!  I tempted the wrath of the fashion gods with my hubristic desire for comfort, and this was the result.

I exclaimed in dismay.  He, bless him, laughed and said…well, on second thought, I’m not going to tell you what he said.  Or what he did, because this isn’t that kind of blog.  But it made up for the blind equivalent of realizing I had spinach on my teeth all evening.  And there will be a third date because, let me tell you, he’s looking very good to me right now.

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