Don’t let the Little Blind Girl out at night!

English: Night Street Lights by

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Why little blind girls shouldn’t be allowed out after dark:

I got home from work pretty late tonight, well after dark.  Now, as I’m legally blind, I have a lot of trouble seeing much of anything after dark.  It’s all blurry artificial lights and shifting shadows and I’m basically completely blind.  Usually I don’t go out after dark, but I know my way to the corner store pretty well because of various after-hours emergencies over the years.  Of course, not having a strawberry soda after a hard Tuesday counts as an emergency, and just such a crisis struck tonight, so I ventured out.

The way to the corner store includes a pass through the parking lot for another business, where they know me well and know of my condition, and generally try to look out for me.  So I was not too surprised, if a little taken aback, when, as I walked through the parking lot, I heard a female voice say very loudly “Don’t go there!”  It being pitch dark, I couldn’t see even an outline of who was talking to me, but I thought perhaps a car was coming and a staff member or patron of the business was warning me, so I backtracked to what I thought was safe ground.

I heard the same female voice say, “Get away from there!” in a very authoritative tone.  Now thoroughly bewildered, I edged toward the door for the business.  Again, the female voice shouted “I told you not to go there!”

Exasperated, I said, “What is going on?  Why can’t I go there?  Why are you shouting at me?”

Out of the dark, the female voice replied, “What are you talking about?  I haven’t said anything to you!”

Seeing Eye Dog Original

Seeing Eye Dog Original (Photo credit: Mike "Dakinewavamon" Kline)

“You shouted at me not to go there!” I shot back, somewhat out of temper at this point.

“Are you blind or something?” the disembodied female voice asked.  “I was talking to my dog!”

That’s right, gentle readers, the lady was out walking her dog and was telling her dog not to do its business by the store’s front door.  I gave lady and dog what I hope was a wide berth, considering that I’m not sure where the dog ended up relieving itself, got my soda, and hustled home.  Seriously, I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house!

Breaking news

I can’t look at the headlines anymore; they scare me and make me sad.  So I’m making up a news story of my own, front page above the fold:

Adorable Child Plays With Happy Puppies

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In a shocking turn of events, young Abigail I’msocute approached a group of rambunctious puppies and quickly become embroiled in uncontrolled frolicking.  Ms. I’msocute, 2 years old, was unarmed at the time and appeared unsteady on her feet.  The mob of unruly hounds was observed furtively sniffing at her hands and appeared, according to one witness, to be soliciting treats.

The infant’s mother, Mrs. Amelia Lookatme, could only watch the drama unfold as her child romped, giggled, and shrieked in truly blood-curdling fashion,  at times covering her face with her hands, then suddenly pulling her hands away in jerky, agitated movements and yelling to the puppies that she could see them.  It is unknown whether Ms. Imsocute was later able to identify any of the malefactors for the authorities.  Onlookers described them as unusually small, dark, and fuzzy wuzzy.

Lookatme was eventually able to reach I’msocute and separate her from the unrestrained animals.  She later commented to the paper, “Those puppies were so adorable, I just wanted to cry.”  Both Lookatme and I’msocute appeared to be unharmed, but were clearly affected by the experience.  When contacted for a response, the attorney for the puppies declined comment, merely wagging his tail and gazing soulfully at the reporter.  More on this harrowing attack of adorability as details become available.

I expect a call from the Pulitzer committee any day now.