I have a theory that you can predict how your day is going to go by the shade of lipstick you put on in the morning. Guys, obviously this is going to have a very different application for you; the rules I’m about to lay on you really only apply to girls. But for girls, I think you can take a cue from the shade of lipstick you’re drawn to while making up in order to get an idea of how things are going to play out:
First of all, there are different kinds of red, with different kinds of horoscopes to go with them. If you’re talking about a warm red, you can expect men dressed as advertising executives from the fifties to take advantage of you while swilling liquor and smoking cigars. This may be your thing; if so, go for that warm red. If you pick a dark, purplish red, you can expect to hear a lot of derivative rock music in minor keys by distraught middle-class former English majors. If you go for the blue-red, and I highly recommend a simple eye with a fine black eyeliner, a couple of coats of mascara, and a bone or taupe shadow to go with it if you do, you may end up killing someone, but you’ll look extremely sexy doing it. For maximum effect, add matching heels.
Again, there are a million different pinks out there. My personal favorite is a kind of greyish-pink with a little bit of shimmer that’s light without being pale; if you choose this color, you are going to get into a battle of wits for extremely high stakes that you’ll probably win. I wouldn’t just depend on the lipstick, though. Have a backup plan, like lipgloss. There is, of course, the highly unnatural Lady Gaga pink (seriously, she designed a shade exactly along these lines for MAC). If you choose this shade, be careful when going to restaurants, particularly steakhouses, as you can expect sudden inexplicable urges to wear your entree. A darker shade of pink, in the rose family, indicates a long sea voyage and unexpected wealth. I don’t know, I’m running out of ideas here. This is hard.
The thing about neutral lipstick is that, while there are literally thousands of shades of neutral lipstick, it’s almost impossible to tell them apart. They all tend to have the same horoscope, which is that you will be overlooked, under-appreciated, taken for granted, and forgotten on your birthday. Don’t wear neutral colors. In the kind of life that calls for lipstick, you’re not going to get anywhere or achieve anything by blending in. Wear purple lipstick. I can predict with absolute certainty that, at the very least, you’ll get noticed.
Madame Little Blind Girl has spoken. Cross her palm with silver to show your appreciation, or at least leave a comment on the post. Choose and apply your lipstick with care! There’s no telling the far-reaching consequences that decision may have on your life. Don’t even ask what happens if the lipstick wears off by lunchtime.
And, guys: whatever shade of lipstick you choose, I guarantee that your day will not be boring. Just remember to wipe the corners of your mouth and touch up throughout the day. Oh, and stay away from orange lipstick. That rule applies to everyone!