Which character are you?

I admit, I love taking those quizzes in magazines:  Is your relationship solid?  Are you a summer or a winter?  What Twilight character are you?  (Rosalie, by the way; I’m vain and I think Bella’s annoying.)  So I thought I’d post one here.  It’s probably pretty insider-y, so I attached a few links as well.

Which Iliketheworldfuzzy character are you?

Have you ever read the little blind girl’s posts and wondered, where do I fit in?  Am I a whistling marmoset?  Am I a curly-haired friend?  Well, now you can find out.  Just answer the questions and tally your score:

A.  When confronted with an unfriendly storekeeper, you:

  1. Leave in a huff
  2. Make conversation until the storekeeper gives you a discount to get you to leave
  3. Plot elaborate revenge
  4. Crack jokes until the storekeeper finally smiles and agrees to go on a date
  5. Grin sexily and murmur, “Don’t worry, I was just leaving”

B.  When playing trivial pursuit, you have the most problems with:

  1. Science and nature; you’re better with stories and pop culture references
  2. Arts and entertainment; you’re just not down with the kids today
  3. History; you always remember things happening the way you would have done them
  4. People and places; you’re good with football games and museums, but you couldn’t answer a question about Central America if someone held a gun to your head–which, if they’re from Central America, they might…
  5. All of them; whatever answer you give, the question card just melts from your hotness

C.  When you sit down to blog, you:

  1. Spend an hour reading other peoples’ blogs searching desperately for inspiration and wishing yours could be as good as theirs
  2. Don’t.  You’re too afraid you’ll get one of those virus things.  You hear they’re nasty, and who has time for the doctor these days?
  3. Always make sure you’re well-stocked with Red Bull
  4. Make sure that whatever you write about will put others at ease and make them feel good about themselves
  5. Have to make sure you step back from the reflection of your blinding hotness in the computer screen

D.  Your favorite date night activity is:

  1. Anything where you can wear flats
  2. Dating?  No one could pay you enough to go back on that scene
  3. The same thing you do every night:  try to take over the world
  4. Attending an exhibition on which someone has obviously worked very, very hard and mocking it mercilessly
  5. Jetting to France, where your sexiness has not yet been outlawed

E.  Your favorite pickup line is:

  1. Hi, my name is ___________.  What’s yours?
  2. When are we going to go somewhere and discuss the demise of Biggie Smalls?
  3. Mwa-ha-ha!  You cannot resist me!
  4. Hi, I’m cute, smart, funny and will eventually break your heart. Can I buy you a drink?
  5. My God, I’m sexy.  Haven’t you noticed?

Mostly 1’s:  You are the little blind girl!  You are straightforward, insecure, and love to hear yourself talk.  Since you have no idea what’s going on around you, your stories tend to be a little hard to follow, but you make up for it by telling a joke at every opportunity.

Mostly 2’s:  You are the Sainted Mother!  You may not be tops at the pop culture stuff, but you pull off the occasional stunner that will keep your children from getting too smug.  No storeowner is a match for your shopping skills, but these newfangled computer things sometimes make you worried.

Mostly 3’s:  You are the evil hamster!  Bent on world domination through blogging, you are rarely seen without a Red Bull and can be easily recognized by your megalomaniacal laugh and by the fact that you’re a hamster.

Mostly 4’s:  You are the Potential Boyfriend!  Devastatingly attractive, witty, and thoughtful, you can sweep any girl off her feet in a matter of minutes.  Beware of the dreaded blogger breakup, however, where your most intimate moments may be spread across the blogosphere for all to see.

Mostly 5’s:  You are Johnny Depp!  Pure sex appeal laced with brilliance and talent, women swoon for you and men grumble because they can’t just dismiss you as a pretty boy.  You have a restraining order against the little blind girl, yet strangely make a number of guest appearances on her blog.

So which one are you?  If you’re the Evil Hamster, I’m going to be worried.  Almost as worried as I was when I took the quiz and found out I was Johnny Depp.

You like me, you really like me!

I’ve been nominated for the 7×7 award!  Rather than setting out a list of the rules, which can be found here, I just worked them into the post.  As I recall, the last time I was nominated for a blog award, I lamented the fact that I wouldn’t get to walk down the virtual red carpet in my virtual couture.  Well, this time I’m making my own virtual red carpet to strut down!  Major advantage to virtual couture:  you don’t have to starve yourself to fit into it.  Also, no hairspray, and you can wear flats.  So here we go:

To present our next award, we have Jessica Alba and, of course, Johnny Depp!  Catch them in their latest movies, Ms. Alba in I Know I’ve Got More Talent Than This and Mr. Depp in Whatever Tim Burton Is Making This Time.

JA:  Thanks so much.  It’s a pleasure to be able to present this award to the Little Blind Girl.  Well-known for such posts as Why I Like the World Fuzzy, her most beautiful piece, and LBG’s Rules to Live By, her most helpful piece, the Little Blind Girl stumbles through this world bewildered but full of humor about the obstacles she encounters–something that was the subject of her most underrated post, and one of the ones with an audio version, Little Blind Red Riding Hood.

JD:  And of course, there is her most popular piece, Pick Up Lines by Johnny Depp.  Who can forget me fingering a turtleneck and saying, See this material?  It’s boyfriend material.  But seriously, folks, check out her most prideworthy piece, Mad Libs and Whistling Marmosets.  You’ll take something different away from it every time.

JA:  And don’t forget her most surprisingly successful piece, Oh I’m Gonna Hurt Some Feelings, All Right.  Quite a few hurt feelings reports submitted after that one!  But I’m most fond of her most controversial piece, True or False?  I’m still wondering if she has a tattoo!

JD:  You may not know this about LBG, as I like to call her, but she can put on eyeliner entirely by touch, a skill she keeps trying to practice on me.  Kind readers and gentle followers, without further ado, the Little Blind Girl!

(Little Blind Girl walks out, occasionally tripping over wires, steps, and people)

LBG:  Oh, my gosh, what an honor!  I just want to thank Lori Franks from Sunny Side Up for nominating me for this award.  Her blog is such an inspiration to me.  I know I can always turn to her for a smile.  I want to thank my Sainted Mother and my Darling Dad for all the blog lessons in my childhood, and Big Sis for beating up all the mean commenters.  This sort of honor really belongs to more than just me, so I want to nominate these blogs, because they deserve this award just as much as–oh, let’s be honest, more than I do!

http://xeyeti.wordpress.com, for giving me artistic inspiration on tap.  For those of you who remember the Kraken Vacuum, he’s the artist!  New drawings every day from a very talented and funny guy.

http://dazzlemethis.wordpress.com, for going chapter by chapter through the books in the Twilight series to give us all a hilarious warning of what’s in store.  Mega-props for not getting discouraged in the midsection of New Moon, in which Bella is the most pathetic, whiny mess I’ve ever encountered in literature.

http://lifeisabowlofkibble.wordpress.com, for a daily glimpse into a loving, well-grounded, and excellently photographed family life.  She’s the cool Mom you loved to visit when your friends still lived at home.

http://epa82.wordpress.com.  Expectant mother meets snarky philosopher meets super-cool BFF.  You don’t need to be all into pregnancy blogs to enjoy her blogservations.  Hey, did I just coin a word?

http://becomingcliche.wordpress.com, who wrote the niftiest poem-blog about Christmas I’ve ever read.  Actually, it’s the only one I’ve ever read.  And it’s awesome!  Also the funniest reaction to being Freshly Pressed that I’ve come across.  Check it out.

http://rosaleengallagher.wordpress.com, a.k.a. Mixed Gems, for your necessary dose of beauty, fashion, culture, and lifestyle.  You will become more beautiful, more fashionable, and more cultured just by reading her blog, I promise.

http://awkwardeldon.com.  I just love him.  He’s hilarious, sweet, hilarious, awkward, and hilarious.  Reading his blog makes me feel all warm and happy, and occasionally nervous about dogs.

And of course, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Pick up lines by Johnny Depp

I’ve become something of a connoisseur of pick-up lines.  I thought I’d get my good friend Johnny Depp to help me present my top ten favorite pick-up lines for your entertainment:

10.  Johnny’s always so polite:

9.  Oh, Johnny, you can have my number any time:

8.  I love this one.  You win either way:

7.  Actually shouted out of a window at a friend once, though sadly not by Johnny Depp:

6.  Best used earlier in the evening, as slurring will lessen the impact:

5.  Works surprisingly often, especially when you look like this:

4.  A classic for a reason:

3.  This one depends heavily on delivery:

2.  This one may be apocryphal:

1.  My all-time favorite:

Many thanks to Johnny Depp for helping me with this post.  May your box office returns ever increase.  I leave you now with a highly requested image:  I’ve been asked what I actually look like, so I’m posting a picture of me writing this blog.  Enjoy!

Sonnet to Johnny Depp

Español: Johnny-depp

Image via Wikipedia

Shall I compare thee to Gerard Butler?
Thou art more yummy and more versatile;
Harsh critics pan Gerard’s roles more and more,
And high profits elude him still a while.

Sometimes too weird the star of Brad Pitt shines,
And steady has his skin’s complexion dimmed,
And sexiness does all too soon decline,
Especially when beards remain untrimmed.

But thy eternal fresh face does not fade,
Which frankly freaks me out a little bit,
No wrinkles do thy perfect face invade,
nor senility cloud thy clever wit.

So long as movies play for eyes to see,
So long my ticket stubs belong to thee.

Adopt a Little Blind Girl

Free to good home:  one Little Blind Girl, lightly used.  This rare and exotic breed is known for its endearing clutziness, comically mis-matched clothing, and inconveniently good hearing.  This particular Little Blind Girl is fully housebroken and ready for show.  Her skills include running in four-inch heels, applying makeup with her eyes closed, and finding creative ways to reach the highest shelf.  As with most Little Blind Girls, her diet consists primarily of raw foods, though this specimen has mastered the art of boiling an egg and has demonstrated prodigious skills with the microwave.

Prospective owners must demonstrate their ability to care for a Little Blind Girl, including extensive first-aid skills and the ability to get condiment stains out of dry-clean only clothing.  All applicants must show proof of ownership of a high-end stereo system and be trained to handle the occasional tantrum when the Little Blind Girl gets a new toy but can’t read the assembly instructions written in 6-point font.

Little Blind Girls are well-known for their easy-going attitudes regarding what channel of television to watch, though they can develop attachments to certain actors if seen before their vision problems set in.  This Little Blind Girl will insist on watching anything with Johnny Depp.  Should a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon come on the air, do not attempt to get between the Little Blind Girl and the screen unless properly attired in protective gear.  Simply supply her with popcorn and Milk Duds, check on her at commercial breaks, and wait for the marathon to end, at which point the Little Blind Girl will resume her normal behavior patterns.  She is very loving and affectionate and would be a good addition to any home.  Except one with small children, which she will not see and may possibly step on.  Please leave a comment if interested.