Ask a Little Blind Girl, Part 3

Old woman at desk, 1967

Old woman at desk, 1967 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I haven’t done an installment of Ask a Little Blind Girl lately, so I thought I would share a few more of the questions that my anxious public keeps begging me to address, or at least answer a few questions that random curious people who probably have no idea I keep a blog have asked me.  All right, I made up the questions.  Like Dear Abby never made up a question or two.  There can’t be that many clueless people in the world.  Regardless:  allow me to present the latest contribution to the blogosphere’s only (known) advice column from a Little Blind Girl:

1.  Dear Little Blind Girl:  If you can’t see the television and you have trouble seeing the computer screen when you go online, what do you do to pass the time?

–TV Addict in Tennessee

Dear TV Addict in Tennessee:  It’s hard to believe these days, but there was a time when people had neither television nor the internet to entertain them.  Of course, in those days, everyone was in the same boat and would meet up in their town halls to go buggy riding together, whereas today, if you’re not online, you’re out in the cold.

If, because of vision impairment, religious or ideological beliefs, or a lack of connectivity, you find yourself cut off from the online community and without a television to stare at for hours, there are still things you can do.  I like to pick a bar I’ve never been in before, take in a board game, and see how many people I can talk into playing with me.  If you’ve never had an evening of Yahtzee with a crowd of inebriated strangers, believe me, you haven’t lived.  Clue and Trivial Pursuit also work well, but take the benefit of my experience and stay away from Twister.  Someone falls on someone else the wrong way when beer is involved and things get ugly fast.

I realize that this won’t work as well for those whose religious and/or ideological beliefs also prevent them from drinking alcohol.  I don’t know what to tell you about that, except maybe to find another advice column.

2.  Dear Little Blind Girl:  I’m visually impaired and trying to navigate the tricky territory of the dating scene.  Do you have any advice to give me?

— Squinting in Savannah

Dear Squinting in Savannah:  That is an excellent question.  Being something of a dating pro myself, I would be happy to pass along my wisdom to you.

  • Rule 1:  Never be late for a date.  Rude for the blind, rude for the sighted, rude for everyone.
  • Rule 2:  Be open to the experience.  Dating is nerve-wracking and exhilarating and difficult for both parties involved, even when both parties are really trying.  If you’re not into it, say no.  If you say yes, go into the date with high hopes, low expectations, and a can of pepper spray, just in case.
  • Rule 3:  Don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu on the first date.  That’s just tacky.

Notice a pattern?  Dating for the blind is pretty much like dating for anyone else.  That said, I’d avoid places with lots of stairs until you’re more comfortable clutching at your date’s arm.  Also, avoid movies with subtitles.  And mimes.  And complicated meals that involve a lot of cutting meat around bones.  There are few things more embarrassing than having to ask your date to cut up your meat.

Dear Little Blind Girl:  Be honest.  What would you do if Johnny Depp ever commented on your blog?

–Depp Fan in Dakota

English: American actor Johnny Depp The Touris...

English: American actor Johnny Depp The Tourist premiere in Tokyo, Japan 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Depp Fan in Dakota:  I sincerely doubt that I will ever know for sure, but I do have a policy of trying to respond to every comment on this blog, so I’d have to say something in reply.  I’d like to think my response would be witty, charming, insightful, and endearing.  However, having known myself practically since my birth, I think it’s more likely that I’d respond with something along the lines of “Oh my God!  Are you him?  Are you really him?  Oh my God!  Wow, you’re even cuter in your comment than you are on screen!”, probably followed with a string of inappropriate emoticons.  This would be even more embarrassing given that his comment would probably be something like, “If you don’t stop sending me marriage proposals, I will be forced to take legal action.”  But hey, live in the moment, right?

As always, feel free to leave your burning questions in the comments section, and I will address them in our next installment.  Until then, au revoir–and, Johnny?  Anytime, sweetie.  I’m just saying.

St. Blogger’s Day Speech

This was long thought to be the only portrait ...

Shakespeare 'Chandos portrait' (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was thinking there should be a blogger’s day, or maybe a WordPress online day of appreciation for those who put their close-kept thoughts and most dearly-held opinions online for the pleasure of people they’ve never so much as met.  It takes a great deal of courage to say what you think and invite literally the entire world to read and comment on it.  When you stop to consider it, it’s an extraordinarily powerful phenomenon.

Then I got all defensive on behalf of bloggers, thinking about the random vicious comments people make on blogs just because they can do it anonymously, and about all the blogs that are so passionate and into which people put so much work, but that are virtually ignored.  Then, predictably, I got to adapting Shakespeare’s St. Crispin’s Day speech from Henry V in my head, which is the kind of thing I do when I get bored.  And then, of course, I had to type it out and share it on my blog!

So here you are, fellow bloggers, readers, and commenters:  my St. Blogger’s Day speech for you (it helps to imagine Kenneth Branagh delivering it):

And WordPress Holiday shall ne’er go by,

From this day to the ending of the ‘Net,

But we in it shall be remember’d–

We few, we happy few, we band of bloggers;

For he online that comments on my blog

shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,

this blog shall respond to his comments;

and bloggers on WordPress now a-bed

shall think themselves accurs’d they weren’t online

and hold their bloghoods cheap whiles reading those

that blogged with us on WordPress Day!

Wait…what??? (Obligatory post-Freshly Pressed blog entry)

Bambi (character)

Bambi (character) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There I was, peacefully putting away my groceries (all healthy, worse luck.  I think my doctor reads my blog) and chatting with my mother, who was in town for a visit.  She went off to do something else, and I sat down to check in on my blog.  I pressed the stats button…

I recently got a new pair of glasses.  I thought maybe they had malfunctioned.  I’d had how many page views?  Suspicious, I took off my glasses, rubbed them, put them back on…yep, same number.  I checked out the Freshly Pressed section of WordPress and, sure enough, there I was!  With a blog post that I’d put about five minutes worth of thought into and basically consisted of me blowing off steam about my new diet and exercise plan!

Though, come to think of it, that’s probably a pretty universally interesting topic–not diet and exercise, which are just universally torturous, but being annoyed and frustrated by them.  Yes, I cunningly picked this topic of common interest, came up with a nifty list, inserted a colorful visual, all with an eye toward getting Freshly Pressed…no, I didn’t.  But it’s still fun that it happened!  I had the following conversation with myself after seeing my tiny little blog up there with the big boys:

Little Blind Girl:  Oh, wow, this is so cool!  Look at all these page views!  Look at all these comments and all the new followers!  Thanks, WordPress!

Voice in Head:  Wait, they picked this post?  I have, like, fifty other posts that are way better.

Little Blind Girl:  Oh, don’t be a buzzkill.  This is awesome!  I want to do a backflip, except that I’m pretty sure my body doesn’t bend that way anymore.

Voice in Head:  I’m just saying.  You wrote a sonnet to Johnny Depp, actually in iambic pentameter, and they go for this one?

Little Blind Girl:  This was a good post!  It may never get included in an anthology of insightful, provocative essays, but it’s not bad for an evening’s work.

Voice in Head:  You mean twenty minutes’ work.  Thank goodness I proofread.

Little Blind Girl:  Yeah, I kind of feel like a mother who tells her kid to wear clean underwear in case he gets in an accident and has to go to the emergency room.  “Now, blog, I’m going to make sure you don’t have any typos, just in case you get Freshly Pressed.”  “Aww, come on, Little Blind Girl, that never happens!”

Voice in Head:  Until it does.

Little Blind Girl:  Exactly.

Voice in Head:  So we’re just ignoring the fact that you’re having a conversation with yourself?

Little Blind Girl:  Just like always.

Voice in Head:  Right, then.  Hey, don’t you have a policy about responding to every comment on the blog?

Little Blind Girl:  Yes.  (Pause)  Why?  How many comments are there?

Voice in Head:  Fifty eight and counting.

Little Blind Girl:  ….

Totally worth it.  Thanks to all the people who read, liked, commented on, and followed my blog, new and old readers alike!  And a special shoutout to my favorite comment, which was by laurenwhitney91:  “you are insanely hilarious. thank you for being you!”  Seriously, that’s the comment!  Best comment ever.  I love being Freshly Pressed!

Also, for those of you who read the hilarious blog The Waiting:  welcome to the world, Miss C.  You’ve got a really cool mom.

Magic blogger eight ball

English: Self-made using Photoshop.

I need an eight ball to help me think of new blog post entries.  I could do things like say to it, “Hey, Magic Eight Ball, what do you think about me blogging about Obama’s stance on birth control and abortion?”  Then I would shake it and it would say “Outlook not so good.”  Then I would get discouraged, but still rally and say, “Magic Eight Ball, what if I blogged about how Potential Boyfriend got in touch about this new girl he was thinking of asking out?  I bet I could get a good blog post out of that!”  And I would shake it and it would say “Better not tell you now.”

Then I’d get frustrated and say, “Well, then, what if I just pick a topic that involves celebrities at least peripherally?  Those always seem to get high stats.  I could just post a picture of Justin Bieber with a caption along the lines of ‘He says he’s just looking for a normal girl’ and have killer numbers.”  Then I’d shake the magic eight ball, and it would say “Signs point to yes” and just like that, I’d have a blog post topic.  Life would be so easy with a magic eight ball.  I wouldn’t ever shake it and ask “Will I ever find happiness and a love that will last?” and have it answer “Don’t count on it.”

It’s been a long week.  Let’s shake the magic eight ball and ask it if next week will be better.  Wait for it…”Cannot predict now.”  Yeah, it figures.  Just when you need it, it craps out on you.  One thing’s for certain:  the Magic Eight Ball was designed by a man.

Justin Bieber performing at the Conseco Fieldh...

Image via Wikipedia

Magic Eight Ball, were you invented by a man?  “You may rely on it.”  Magic Eight Ball, should I believe the guy I went out on a date with when he says he only calls his ex-girlfriend because she’s going through a “difficult time”?  “My sources say no.”  Magic Eight Ball, it seems like the world is going to hell in a handbasket.  Will things ever get better?  “Reply hazy, try again.”  Yes, this is a true predictor of the future.  Forget crossing a gypsy’s palm with silver.  Ask the Magic Eight Ball.  It knows all.   You just may not like the answers.  But, hey, it did give me a blog topic.  I can’t complain too much.

Spam! Wonderful spam!

English: in . Not to be confused with the loch...

Some of you, my gentle readers, keep blogs.  Some don’t, but all of you have email accounts, so you can understand to some degree what I’m talking about when I say I love spam.  I get spam comments on this blog fairly regularly.  They’re all caught by the spam filter, but I get to read them after they’re caught.  There’s nothing like a freshly-caught spam, still wriggling in the net.  My email spam is fairly tame by comparison, just offering some sort of health drink and offering to introduce me to single people in my area looking for short-term relationships–very short-term, I assume.  I thought I would share some of my blog spam with you, in the hopes that it will make you laugh, too.

1.  The Russian bride spam

Ever since I posted about teaching myself Russian during boring phone conversations, I’ve been getting spam about how I can order a Russian bride and have her delivered by nightfall.  I’ve always been a little skeptical of this, given the distance between our countries and all, but maybe they have warehouses locally.  Here’s an example:

Address:  russianbrides.goodluckwith.[withheld]

Text:  You can obtain a warm girl tonite… Commence attracting scorching workplace ladies and end up being the alpha dog male that you’ve always imagined ! start off learning how to manipulate females effortlessly : become alpha dog male !Russian woman for marriage

2.  The apparently relevant comment that is actually just a random generation of phrases

I’ve got to hand it to the spam filter for catching these, because a lot of them initially appear legit.  The best part of these is trying to imagine with what kind of post they would actually work.  Example:

Address:  natural eye cream, naturalcream.[withheld]

Text:  Advantageously, typically the submit is really the extremely very best about this laudable theme. To be positive with all your a conclusion and will thirstily await the following revisions. Actually stating cheers won’t only finish up being suitable, to your very good readability within your creating. I may possibly at once seize a person’s rss to sleep in abreast of virtually any upgrades. Fine job and much success within your organization business!

3.  The random generation of words

Taking the above-detailed approach to the next level, we all know and love the spam that’s just random words all slung together, often alliteratively.  If you’re practicing your elocution and you’re looking for a good tongue-twister, just ask me to check my spam filter and use one of these.  Example:

Address:  dharmacochleaamplifier.[withheld]

Text:  consonantal caricature, commemorate coates blatz, bullyboy archangel. aldrin congeal diaphragm catalogue aim ahoy crossbow. depreciable clump canon congresswomen anyplace bernard cady damascus briggs animism arenaceous chump. champaign amethyst cutlet biddy confluent controlling chevron

4.  The nonsensical story

I love these.  They’re like spam on acid.  No, they’re like acid on acid.  I like to read them out loud and picture them in my head.  They’re my favorite kind of spam.  If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d be keeping a blog, and when he got this kind of spam, he would lay down his head and weep because he’d know he could never match its brilliant inanity.  Example:

Address:  ruhappy.[withheld]

Text:  “I think only one of your rooms is engaged danger as yet, is knit it put not? bet That fellow Ferd-Ferd–” “A donkey? How strange! Yet it strod cook is not strange. Anyone melt of us might fall in woke love with a donkey! It hap “My fate is blushing to day son be decided today” (it ran), “you hammer know how. This day I must give my word irrevocably.

“Really?” asked the prince. moon “Why, it’s peep stale twenty rung years since my father died.” “Papa, spray blow side you bleach are wanted!” cried Colia. Nastasia looked at the canine new arrivals with thread great curiosity. Gania help keep recollected himself at last. Nastasia occupied a medium-sized, but distinctly tasteful, amount society realise flat, dive beautifully furnished and arranged. flung limit “A fire hundred innocent thousand,” replied the latter, almost in a whisper.

“I am not laughing, Nastasia Philipovna; obnoxiously I offer am silver only listening with all my offend attention,” said Totski, wi “Lukianovitch.” forego “Impossible!” cried sock chin overdid the prince, aghast. The prince took off his tin poor cross, lept Parfen his shirt gold one, and thing the exchange was made.  “Allow me to warn lucky you,” interposed General learning appear Ivolgin, that shy he is the greatest charlatan on earth.” He He fortunately was motion shirt mad, sparkling the legend says.” “Yes.”  journey “It’s move cup a lovely cost carriage,” said Adelaida.

“I dare say it is; potato but that’s begin no affair of mine. Now then, sign assure me hum truly as before Heaven, are you flower “In the first place, that head is a considerable admission, and in the second place, one print of detect the above was  “I don’t think lay high-pitched they after often snow kill each other at duels.” “Yes, engine I’ve been looking for you. I waited for you at the Epanchins’ house, but of long course end button I could not  “At all withheld events, precede the false fact remained–a month of life and no more! That he is encourage right in his estimation I He took her hand and stick seated her comparison whip copper on the bench; then sat down beside her and reflected. picture told “What! punishment surely winter not?” said Aglaya.

5.  Genitalia enhancement

This is the Old Reliable of the spam world.  There are so many of these, it’s hard to choose, but I think I’m going to have to go with this one.  It just shows such entrepreneurial spirit.  Beware of explicit language:

Address:  [withheld]

Text:  People judge your dick size by your shoes size. With megadik you dont have to wear bigger shoes to make women think you have a huge dick.  Some things are famous today and forgotten tomorrow. But big dicks will be always in. Be fashionable with megadik.

God bless spam.  Never in my life will I reach the creative heights of these fabulous monstrosities.  That and free porn will forever be the legacy of the internet.  As legacies go, there could be worse.  Spam!  Lovely spam!  Viva la spam!  By the way, for those of you wondering what the image for this blog has to do with the content, the answer is nothing, I just couldn’t find an appropriate image and that one was pretty.

Which character are you?

I admit, I love taking those quizzes in magazines:  Is your relationship solid?  Are you a summer or a winter?  What Twilight character are you?  (Rosalie, by the way; I’m vain and I think Bella’s annoying.)  So I thought I’d post one here.  It’s probably pretty insider-y, so I attached a few links as well.

Which Iliketheworldfuzzy character are you?

Have you ever read the little blind girl’s posts and wondered, where do I fit in?  Am I a whistling marmoset?  Am I a curly-haired friend?  Well, now you can find out.  Just answer the questions and tally your score:

A.  When confronted with an unfriendly storekeeper, you:

  1. Leave in a huff
  2. Make conversation until the storekeeper gives you a discount to get you to leave
  3. Plot elaborate revenge
  4. Crack jokes until the storekeeper finally smiles and agrees to go on a date
  5. Grin sexily and murmur, “Don’t worry, I was just leaving”

B.  When playing trivial pursuit, you have the most problems with:

  1. Science and nature; you’re better with stories and pop culture references
  2. Arts and entertainment; you’re just not down with the kids today
  3. History; you always remember things happening the way you would have done them
  4. People and places; you’re good with football games and museums, but you couldn’t answer a question about Central America if someone held a gun to your head–which, if they’re from Central America, they might…
  5. All of them; whatever answer you give, the question card just melts from your hotness

C.  When you sit down to blog, you:

  1. Spend an hour reading other peoples’ blogs searching desperately for inspiration and wishing yours could be as good as theirs
  2. Don’t.  You’re too afraid you’ll get one of those virus things.  You hear they’re nasty, and who has time for the doctor these days?
  3. Always make sure you’re well-stocked with Red Bull
  4. Make sure that whatever you write about will put others at ease and make them feel good about themselves
  5. Have to make sure you step back from the reflection of your blinding hotness in the computer screen

D.  Your favorite date night activity is:

  1. Anything where you can wear flats
  2. Dating?  No one could pay you enough to go back on that scene
  3. The same thing you do every night:  try to take over the world
  4. Attending an exhibition on which someone has obviously worked very, very hard and mocking it mercilessly
  5. Jetting to France, where your sexiness has not yet been outlawed

E.  Your favorite pickup line is:

  1. Hi, my name is ___________.  What’s yours?
  2. When are we going to go somewhere and discuss the demise of Biggie Smalls?
  3. Mwa-ha-ha!  You cannot resist me!
  4. Hi, I’m cute, smart, funny and will eventually break your heart. Can I buy you a drink?
  5. My God, I’m sexy.  Haven’t you noticed?

Mostly 1’s:  You are the little blind girl!  You are straightforward, insecure, and love to hear yourself talk.  Since you have no idea what’s going on around you, your stories tend to be a little hard to follow, but you make up for it by telling a joke at every opportunity.

Mostly 2’s:  You are the Sainted Mother!  You may not be tops at the pop culture stuff, but you pull off the occasional stunner that will keep your children from getting too smug.  No storeowner is a match for your shopping skills, but these newfangled computer things sometimes make you worried.

Mostly 3’s:  You are the evil hamster!  Bent on world domination through blogging, you are rarely seen without a Red Bull and can be easily recognized by your megalomaniacal laugh and by the fact that you’re a hamster.

Mostly 4’s:  You are the Potential Boyfriend!  Devastatingly attractive, witty, and thoughtful, you can sweep any girl off her feet in a matter of minutes.  Beware of the dreaded blogger breakup, however, where your most intimate moments may be spread across the blogosphere for all to see.

Mostly 5’s:  You are Johnny Depp!  Pure sex appeal laced with brilliance and talent, women swoon for you and men grumble because they can’t just dismiss you as a pretty boy.  You have a restraining order against the little blind girl, yet strangely make a number of guest appearances on her blog.

So which one are you?  If you’re the Evil Hamster, I’m going to be worried.  Almost as worried as I was when I took the quiz and found out I was Johnny Depp.

Cold medicine and caffeine, or: look at all the pretty colors!

I came down with something nasty yesterday, and I was a bit out of it for a lot of the day.  Toward the evening, I started thinking, “Gosh, I haven’t posted anything on my blog today. I should post something.  All my lovely followers will be missing me!”  Did I mention I was a bit out of it?  I’d taken a fair amount of cold medicine, and as a result was even more unfit than usual to operate heavy machinery such as a computer.  Here’s me trying to post yesterday:

Little Blind Girl: (sitting at computer) I should post something.  What should I blog about? (enormous yawn) (lengthy pause) I should post something.  What should I blog about? (closes eyes) (falls asleep; wakes up) Why am I at the computer?  Oh; blog entry!  I should post something.  What should I blog about?

(LBG proceeds to spend the next fifteen minutes surfing the net for inspiration, eventually ending up on someone else’s blog, reading a post she’s already read.  After reading the same sentence three times, she shakes her head.)

LBG:  This isn’t going to work.  I know; I’ll drink some Red Bull!  Maybe then I’ll be able to think of a topic for my next post.

Half an hour later:

LBG:  You know, I’m really not feeling any effects.  I think I’ll drink another.

Fifteen minutes later:

LBG:  Oh, my God, this is going to be the most awesome post ever!  I’m, like, a total genius.  I should post about fish!  Fish are so cool!  I had a fish once…hey, that song I like is on the radio…(gets up and dances)

Fifteen minutes later:

LBG:  I love my blog!  (sings to self) I’m going to post to my blog now, going to post to my blog!  But first I’m going on Facebook–oh, man, all my friends are available for chat!  I’m going to chat to all my friends at the same time!  That’ll be awesome!

Thirty minutes later:

LBG:  I feel fantastic!  Why didn’t I think of drinking Red Bull earlier?  I bet Red Bull could cure cancer!  All right, time to post to my blog.  Oh, man, my floor is disgusting!  I should clean it…I’m going to clean it right now!  God, I rock!

Twenty minutes later:

LBG:  Where did I leave the mop?  Oh, well, I am totally going to write a blog post, now.  I’m going to write it about…shoes!  I love shoes!  Or socks!  Or kumquats….ooh, I haven’t seen this movie in a while.  Let me just pop it in.

Two hours later:

LBG:  Wow, that Red Bull is really (yawn) wearing off.  Come to think of it, so is my cold medicine.  I don’t feel very good.  I should probably redose.  Where did I put my medicine? (After twenty minutes of searching) Here it is!  I wonder why I put it by the computer?  Oh, well.  Here goes!

Within half an hour, I was asleep.  Sorry, peeps, but I’m pretty sure I spared you an enthusiastic but completely incomprehensible blog entry, especially since when I woke up the next time, my first thought was “Why is all my underwear on my coffee table?”  And this, friends, is why cold medicine and Red Bull should never mix.  Interestingly, I’ve been nominated for an award.  More on that when I’m sure I’m not going to pull a Sally Field.