Some of you, my gentle readers, keep blogs. Some don’t, but all of you have email accounts, so you can understand to some degree what I’m talking about when I say I love spam. I get spam comments on this blog fairly regularly. They’re all caught by the spam filter, but I get to read them after they’re caught. There’s nothing like a freshly-caught spam, still wriggling in the net. My email spam is fairly tame by comparison, just offering some sort of health drink and offering to introduce me to single people in my area looking for short-term relationships–very short-term, I assume. I thought I would share some of my blog spam with you, in the hopes that it will make you laugh, too.
1. The Russian bride spam
Ever since I posted about teaching myself Russian during boring phone conversations, I’ve been getting spam about how I can order a Russian bride and have her delivered by nightfall. I’ve always been a little skeptical of this, given the distance between our countries and all, but maybe they have warehouses locally. Here’s an example:
Text: You can obtain a warm girl tonite… Commence attracting scorching workplace ladies and end up being the alpha dog male that you’ve always imagined ! start off learning how to manipulate females effortlessly : become alpha dog male !Russian woman for marriage
2. The apparently relevant comment that is actually just a random generation of phrases
I’ve got to hand it to the spam filter for catching these, because a lot of them initially appear legit. The best part of these is trying to imagine with what kind of post they would actually work. Example:
Address: natural eye cream, naturalcream.[withheld]
Text: Advantageously, typically the submit is really the extremely very best about this laudable theme. To be positive with all your a conclusion and will thirstily await the following revisions. Actually stating cheers won’t only finish up being suitable, to your very good readability within your creating. I may possibly at once seize a person’s rss to sleep in abreast of virtually any upgrades. Fine job and much success within your organization business!
3. The random generation of words
Taking the above-detailed approach to the next level, we all know and love the spam that’s just random words all slung together, often alliteratively. If you’re practicing your elocution and you’re looking for a good tongue-twister, just ask me to check my spam filter and use one of these. Example:
Text: consonantal caricature, commemorate coates blatz, bullyboy archangel. aldrin congeal diaphragm catalogue aim ahoy crossbow. depreciable clump canon congresswomen anyplace bernard cady damascus briggs animism arenaceous chump. champaign amethyst cutlet biddy confluent controlling chevron
4. The nonsensical story
I love these. They’re like spam on acid. No, they’re like acid on acid. I like to read them out loud and picture them in my head. They’re my favorite kind of spam. If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d be keeping a blog, and when he got this kind of spam, he would lay down his head and weep because he’d know he could never match its brilliant inanity. Example:
Text: “I think only one of your rooms is engaged danger as yet, is knit it put not? bet That fellow Ferd-Ferd–” “A donkey? How strange! Yet it strod cook is not strange. Anyone melt of us might fall in woke love with a donkey! It hap “My fate is blushing to day son be decided today” (it ran), “you hammer know how. This day I must give my word irrevocably.
“Really?” asked the prince. moon “Why, it’s peep stale twenty rung years since my father died.” “Papa, spray blow side you bleach are wanted!” cried Colia. Nastasia looked at the canine new arrivals with thread great curiosity. Gania help keep recollected himself at last. Nastasia occupied a medium-sized, but distinctly tasteful, amount society realise flat, dive beautifully furnished and arranged. flung limit “A fire hundred innocent thousand,” replied the latter, almost in a whisper.
“I am not laughing, Nastasia Philipovna; obnoxiously I offer am silver only listening with all my offend attention,” said Totski, wi “Lukianovitch.” forego “Impossible!” cried sock chin overdid the prince, aghast. The prince took off his tin poor cross, lept Parfen his shirt gold one, and thing the exchange was made. “Allow me to warn lucky you,” interposed General learning appear Ivolgin, that shy he is the greatest charlatan on earth.” He He fortunately was motion shirt mad, sparkling the legend says.” “Yes.” journey “It’s move cup a lovely cost carriage,” said Adelaida.
“I dare say it is; potato but that’s begin no affair of mine. Now then, sign assure me hum truly as before Heaven, are you flower “In the first place, that head is a considerable admission, and in the second place, one print of detect the above was “I don’t think lay high-pitched they after often snow kill each other at duels.” “Yes, engine I’ve been looking for you. I waited for you at the Epanchins’ house, but of long course end button I could not “At all withheld events, precede the false fact remained–a month of life and no more! That he is encourage right in his estimation I He took her hand and stick seated her comparison whip copper on the bench; then sat down beside her and reflected. picture told “What! punishment surely winter not?” said Aglaya.
5. Genitalia enhancement
This is the Old Reliable of the spam world. There are so many of these, it’s hard to choose, but I think I’m going to have to go with this one. It just shows such entrepreneurial spirit. Beware of explicit language:
Text: People judge your dick size by your shoes size. With megadik you dont have to wear bigger shoes to make women think you have a huge dick. Some things are famous today and forgotten tomorrow. But big dicks will be always in. Be fashionable with megadik.
God bless spam. Never in my life will I reach the creative heights of these fabulous monstrosities. That and free porn will forever be the legacy of the internet. As legacies go, there could be worse. Spam! Lovely spam! Viva la spam! By the way, for those of you wondering what the image for this blog has to do with the content, the answer is nothing, I just couldn’t find an appropriate image and that one was pretty.
19 thoughts on “Spam! Wonderful spam!”
My favorite and most memorable spam had the title ATTRACT A MAN WITH BIGGER BREASTS! To which I promptly replied “But I don’t want a man with bigger breasts…” and into the bin it went. Spam glorious spam!
Everyone wants a man with bigger breasts, what are you talking about!
Okay, that bigger dick one made me spit ginger ale all over my monitor.
There’s a lot of entertainment value in spam, though I might recommend not having a beverage in your mouth while you read it!
I quite liked that story in no. 4.
Isn’t it brilliant? How do they come up with these things?
OK! Sam Elliot reading my SPAM! Ahhhh!
There you go! I’m sticking with my man Cumberbatch, personally.
Hahaha this is hilarious. But… are we sure that the Russian bride is spam? Maybe someone just really likes that you’re learning Russian and wants you to explore your options 😉
While I have no objection to a Russian bride in principle, I’m concerned that Johnny Depp might get jealous. I’m afraid those options must remain unexplored!
Hilarious post ! I agree about how funny they can be but I get seriously annoyed at the number of banking phishing emails I get….grrrrr
Really, any emails from banks are cringe-inducing!
I get a lot of spam lauding how useful my postings are, and thank God WordPress lets you know in the filter to what post the spam message is referring to. For example, this spam:
“Very useful blog. It was very relavant. I was looking exaxtly for this. Thank you for your effort. I hope you will write more such useful posts”
…is referring to this post:
I had better get on it and write more useful posts such as this.
You know, that has a certain appropriateness to it!
I spit ginger ale all over my monitor from this post!
Now, what have I told you about drinking soda while reading my blog?? I keep telling you, aim at the roommates, not the monitor…
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Oh, my God, the meta is overwhelming! Help, I’m drowning in post-modern self-referential signifier/signified analysis…