What To Do When You’re Attacked By Clowns

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Know your enemy [image in the public domain]

I’m not afraid of clowns.  I simply acknowledge the fact that they’re evil.  I have a recurring dream in which I’m being menaced by a clown in full clown regalia, really slowly, and no one tries to stop it.  I used to think that this was because either a) no one liked me, which I haven’t ruled out, or b) everyone else was too scared of the clown to try to help me, which may also be true.  Upon deeper reflection, however, I think it’s most likely just because no one knows what to do when clowns attack.  We’re all too busy planning for the zombie apocalypse to prepare a defense against the imminent threat posed by those jumbo-shod, red-nosed, smirking agents of evil.  Let’s face it:  the clown apocalypse is inevitable, isn’t it?

To save the world from that crimson-wigged, pasty-faced, baggy-trousered scourge, and also so my dream self will know what to do in the future, I took the time to analyze the most common battle-clown tactics and strategies.  I then devised countermeasures just as soon as I’d stopped screaming.  But not crying, because I wasn’t crying, I don’t care what you thought you saw.  Because I am heroic and selfless, and because next time I’m dreaming about clowns I’d like you to get off your duff and do something about it, I will now share these plans with you so that we can work together when the clowns decide that the moment is ripe for their attack.  For heaven’s sake, don’t share this with the clowns.  In fact, you should make sure that no clowns are around while you’re reading this.  Did you check behind you?  Clowns love to sneak up from behind.  There could be a clown lurking behind you right this very second.  Go on, check.  I’ll wait.

A moment of silence, please, for the ones who discovered the clowns behind them just that little bit too late.

Okay:  for the survivors, here’s what I’ve learned.  Clowns are crafty, scary not scary but nefarious, terrifying not terrifying but depraved, and evil.  Really, really evil.  But they do have weaknesses, and they can be fought.  The two most effective methods of defense against clowns target the following weaknesses:

 1.  The tiny clown car

As we all know, clowns travel in packs, and they use those ridiculously small cars to fit dozens of clowns into an area designed to accommodate maybe two people.  They do this by manipulating the subatomic particles in their bodies into acting like they’re just empty space, thus bypassing the laws of physics and enabling the clowns to all occupy the same seat and thereby squeeze twenty clowns into a teeny, tiny car.

The manipulation of subatomic particles is a delicate process and requires perfect concentration.  Disrupt that concentration at a crucial moment, for instance just after the clown car narrowly avoids a humorous obstacle, and the entire pack of clowns will implode.  And possibly start a new universe, but no plan is perfect.

For maximum disruption, I recommend placing a small clown doll in the path of the car.  The clowns will become confused, thinking it’s an actual clown, and will believe it’s time to leave the car before they’re ready.  The clowns will then panic, lose concentration, and implode, with any luck taking the doll with them.  Finally, a use for Clown Barbie.

2.  The ridiculously oversized shoes

I know, you thought I was going to say the pasty white makeup. If you wash off the makeup, the clown will lose its powers, right?  The truth is, while I treasure the thought of a clown getting blasted in the face with a pressure hose, it turns out that underneath the makeup is just more makeup; you’ll never get through all of it before the clown gets you with that plastic flower that they claim only squirts water, but actually coats you with a slow-acting venom that gradually turns you into one of their hapless minions, also known as mimes.  Why do you think mimes are always acting like they’re trapped in things?  Poor devils.

No, if you can’t get the clown car, what you want to go for is the shoes.  Contrary to popular belief, clowns don’t have big feet.  Their oversized shoes are where they put the mind-control devices that keep everyone from perceiving them as a threat.  These devices have gotten so good that, not only do we not run away in terror at the very sight of them, we actually laugh, clap, and pay them money for the privilege of infiltrating our society.

The mind-control devices don’t work on children, though, which is why children start crying and screaming when they see clowns.  What you want to do if the clowns make it out of the car is this:  find out what the latest overpriced toy fad is, grab the nearest kid, and tell him there’s a furby/razor scooter/Tickle-Me-Elmo in the clowns’ shoes.  A kid’s greed will always outweigh his fear, which is how so many parents get their kids to go to the dentist.  Once the kids tear into the shoes, the mind control devices will go offline and the adults can recognize the threat and take action.  They won’t need to, though, because the children will have torn the clowns to shreds by that point looking for the toy.  I almost feel sorry for the freaky-wigged creeps.  Hey, I said almost.

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The nose houses the inter-clown communication system.  If you can, pull it off and leave it in a bar on Karaoke Night [image in the public domain]

So when the time comes and the clowns attack, make sure you’ve laid in a stock of clown dolls and rugrats.  In fact, you might want to start training your children right away to attack any clowns they meet, just so you’re ready when the time comes.  Oh, and make sure you film your kids when they come across a clown and go all Manchurian Candidate.  And upload the videos to YouTube.  I like to fall asleep to the sound of clowns wailing in agony.  Hey, we’ve all got our bedtime rituals!

This post has been brought to you by the good people at Charlie Cottrell’s blog (Sketches From Memory), who wanted a post about clowns.  Chuck, don’t say I never did nothing for you.  And let me know how that clown gladiatorial arena‘s coming.  Now that’s entertainment!

Product Review: Political Primaries

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Republican Primary Lineup December  2015 by DonkeyHotey https://flic.kr/p/BLphmC licensed by Creative Commons CC BY-SA 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/legalcode

Here at iliketheworldfuzzy, we’re often asked to review products and offer our opinions on them for the benefit of our readers.  Recently, we were given the chance to review a product that’s been generating a lot of buzz in the media of late:  political primaries.  More and more people have started using them and, while results will always vary, we at iliketheworldfuzzy have worked with industry experts to test the product, explore the pros and cons, and review the alternatives, and we’re ready to share our recommendation as to whether political primaries are worth the purchase price.

Until lately, they’ve been something of a luxury product, which may account for the paucity of material on the subject.  Management overhaul, however, has recently focused on broadening the market, making a previously rarefied commodity available to a much larger demographic.  The question many are asking, and that we aim to answer in this review, is:  has that come at the expense of quality?  Disclaimer:  we at iliketheworldfuzzy were provided with this product free of charge, and indeed against our will, for the purpose of this review.  We will receive no compensation, though we have requested reimbursement for our time, pain and suffering, and lost faith in humanity.

First, a description of the product:  political primaries are marketed to children 18 and up and promise an exciting and interactive way to build a party candidate for a general election.  Unlike previous versions, in which the end result was designed almost entirely behind the scenes, this most recent prototype has a more Choose-Your-Own-Adventure feel to it, in which fans are encouraged to vote for the model they like the best.  Of course, the actual end result is still put together almost entirely behind the scenes, but the fan interaction brings a warm, almost sincere-seeming touch to the product while also promoting that holy grail of advertising, word-of-mouth, which is conveniently free of legal restrictions like accuracy and thus keeps the cost of the product to a minimum.  It’s a clever marketing ploy, but does the product deliver?  Here’s our verdict:

1. Pros and Cons

The most important question in a product review is, does the product do what it’s supposed to do?  The answer to this for political primaries is:  yes and no.  Political primaries promise to deliver a candidate for the general election, and most of the time, they do.  However, after repeated use, the quality of the candidates becomes highly unstable, increasing the potential for the product to catch fire or melt down during especially intense election years.  Though the Howard Dean model has been phased out since the infamous implosion incident, reports still come in about candidates becoming over-inflated and filled with hot air.  Journalists in particular should be aware of this danger, as most models react explosively to being questioned on their facts or on how they plan to implement their platforms.

Most disturbing is the potential of the product not to deliver a candidate at all; this happened with one of our experts while testing the product.  When we called the manufacturer, BigGov Corp, for guidance as to how to proceed after the product broke, we were told to send the model into their Brokered Convention Center for repairs.  Despite repeated requests for clarification, BigGov Corp declined to specify who was working on the product, what was being done, and what was actually wrong in the first place.  After several weeks, we received back a completed candidate for general election and, while the candidate was viable, it was not quite what our tester had in mind when she began the process.  To their credit, BigGov Corp did provide the promised result, but it’s clear that with political primaries, as with all market commodities, it’s buyer beware.

2. Quality and Ease of Use

BigGov Corp assures consumers that there will be no decline in the quality of political primaries as they expand their intended market.  To evaluate this claim, our testers pulled archival information on previous versions of this product.  While the current models appear quite polished and appealing, close scrutiny reveals flaws in character and rationality hidden beneath a thin coating of popular appeal that is unlikely to last past the first-ninety-days warranty.  Though no version has been completely free of imperfections, today’s consumers should not expect quality equivalent to the popular William Jennings Bryan model or to demand the Lincoln-Douglas debates from the product currently offered for sale.

In the positive column comes ease of use; this is where the new version really shines.  BigGov Corp’s recent product overhaul makes political primaries more accessible than ever.  None of the models we tested required a sophisticated understanding of economics, history, international relations, or reality, making this product perfect for those who are looking for an entertaining diversion that takes little to no analytical thinking.  Previous incarnations garnered criticism for the amount of independent research that consumers had to do in order to understand the issues raised, and many complained of headaches after putting in too much thought.  Today’s political primaries have no such drawbacks, and every candidate our testers developed had the ability to appeal to emotion and knee-jerk patriotism while entirely avoiding the pitfalls of logic and reason.  BigGov Corp has really done a remarkably good snow job in this category.

3. Alternatives

While BigGov Corp has essentially cornered the political primary market, lesser-known alternatives do exist.  Those who have a sensitivity to government or the rule of law may want to try caucuses, which are produced and marketed by private political parties and aren’t subject to most election laws.  Also gaining traction are third-party candidacies.  These have great appeal for those who have had bad experiences with BigGov products and come in a wide array of options.  The Green Party has carved out a significant niche market, as has the Libertarian Party, and indeed some enterprising consumers have designed their own third parties, with varying results.

The downside to third-party candidacies, however, is that the end products, while interesting to build and often exhibiting more colorful platforms than their more traditional counterparts, tend to lose power fairly quickly and do not often yield viable candidates.  Still, it’s a market to watch, and may be a worthwhile investment for those thinking long-term.

4.  Conclusion

As always with a product review, the question comes down to cost vs. benefit.  BigGov Corp, while it has made quite a few concessions in its attempt to broaden the appeal of its political primaries, is still selling a high-cost product when all is said and done.  The initial charge is relatively low, but an examination of the final bill includes a number of fees and surcharges not included in the list price.  Many consumers have decried the surcharge for fact-checking, citing the low quality of the truthfulness components in most models, and there’s been some controversy over the legality of the ultimatum fee, which charges the consumer to continue supporting their candidate in the general election “or else”.

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dog in suit by Matt Barber https://flic.kr/p/5Ga2Qr licensed by Creative Commons CC BY 2.0

Still, BigGov Corp is selling the must-have product of the season, and with all its flaws, political primaries do usually deliver on their promises.  We at iliketheworldfuzzy simply caution consumers to read the fine print, know what they’re getting into, and recognize that, while political primaries do produce candidates, they make no promises to produce responsible government officials.  For those who want to purchase a political primary from BigGov Corp and begin building a candidate, the product is available on their website at rightswhatrights.comm; for an easy transaction, have your desired model number ready.  Political primaries are shipped in discreet red, white, and blue bunting and can be purchased for the low, low price of your soul.

Therapy Sessions of the Fictional and Famous: Lorelai Gilmore

Being famous can be very stressful, particularly if you’re a fictional character into the bargain.  Certain mental health professionals specialize in treating the fictional and famous; true, most insurance companies don’t cover this, but fortunately most of these therapists accept space bucks, Federation credits, and Monopoly money.  Primary among this elite cadre of professionals is Dr. Sidney Freedman, of M*A*S*H fame.  As he is also a fictional character, he can relate to his patients and help them feel at ease.  I, being a quasi-fictional character myself (the Little Blind Girl, or LBG, is a recurring character in Charlie Cottrell’s Hazzard novels and is based on me!) have availed myself of his services from time to time.  Don’t ask how I pay him; this isn’t that kind of blog.

Lauren_Graham,_2008_appearance_(crop)What he doesn’t know (and shh, don’t tell him) is that I planted a listening device in his office the last time I was there.  I was curious about what his other patients had to say, and let me tell you:  what I heard was astounding.  There are so many famous fictional characters whose dirty secrets I could share with you, but I think I’ll start with Cathy Coffee herself, Lorelai Gilmore.  She comes off as sweet and friendly on the surface, but believe me, there are some demons flying around in that head.  Once you hear what she has to say, you’ll never view small towns, quirky neighbors, or questionable eating habits in quite the same way.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Note for those of you who understand that this is a humor blog and I’m just kidding about all this, or at least most of it:  all of Lorelai’s responses are actual quotes from her character on the television show Gilmore Girls.  If you haven’t heard of Gilmore Girls, just turn on the TV or open up any webpage on the entire internet and the indoctrination will begin within ten minutes.  I hope you like coffee.

Without further ado, here is Lorelai Gilmore’s therapy session:

Dr. Freedman:  Hello, Lorelai.  That’s an awfully large cup of coffee you’re carrying.  Are you ready to get started?

Lorelai Gilmore:  (on the phone) I’ll be right in.

Dr. Freedman:  Who are you talking to?

Lorelai Gilmore:  My other two personalities. (Turns off phone)

Dr. Freedman:  Is that why you came to see me, because you have multiple personalities?

Lorelai Gilmore:  Voices in my head–totally normal, right?

Dr. Freedman:  How many voices do you hear in your head?

Lorelai Gilmore:  There’s only two.  That speak English.

Dr. Freedman:  And what are these voices saying?

Lorelai Gilmore:  Oh, I don’t know.  How about “Good morning, Appalachia, I got a mighty cute sister and an extra set of toes.”

Dr. Freedman:  You’ve got an inbred hillbilly in your head with you?

Lorelai Gilmore:  Well, I know how mad you get when I bring the Insane Clown Posse with me.

Dr. Freedman:  Lorelai, you know I only asked you to stop talking to the voices in your head because you said they gave you flashbacks to your alien abduction.

Lorelai Gilmore:  Okay, as long as you’ve got a sane reason from a reliable source.

Dr. Freedman:  I’d like to go back to a concern you raised in a previous session, about your inability to maintain a loving, romantic relationship.  Is that still a problem?

Lorelai Gilmore:  I love pudding.  I worship it.  I have a bowl up on the mantel at home with the Virgin Mary, a glass of wine, and a dollar bill next to it.

Dr. Freedman:  We’ve talked about this.  Your feelings toward food are not appropriate.  I want you to do the exercise I gave you, all right?  Go ahead.

Lorelai Gilmore:  (concentrating hard) I am attracted to pie, but I do not feel the need to date pie.

Dr. Freedman:  That’s good, Lorelai, we’re making progress.  Now, why don’t you try putting down your coffee cup?

Lorelai Gilmore:  If it was physically possible to make love to a hot beverage, this would be the one.

Dr. Freedman:  I can see we’re not going to make any further progress on this front.  Is there anything else you’d like to attempt during our session today?

Lorelai Gilmore:  I hear there’s a shipment of plutonium coming in on the docks.  And I thought we could dress up as nuns and you could fake a stigmata and you could put the plutonium under your habit.

Dr. Freedman:  I see.  And how will we dispose of the plutonium once we have it?

Lorelai Gilmore:  Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.

Dr. Freedman:  Lorelai, this is the seventh session in a row during which we’ve accomplished practically nothing.

Lorelai Gilmore:  We should commemorate it with an oil painting or a severed head or something.

Dr. Freedman:  Yet, despite your complete lack of effort, I want you to continue seeing me.

Lorelai Gilmore:  Prove it.  Drop your pants!

Dr. Freedman:  I want you to give me one more session with honest effort.  Will you do that for me?

Lorelai Gilmore:  I’ll give you two because you scare me.

Dr. Freedman:  I’m only asking for one, Lorelai, and there’s no reason to be afraid of me.  I’d like to see you again to work on healthy ways to deal with conflict.  When would be a good time to work on that?

Lorelai Gilmore:  Tomorrow, if you have time, I’m planning on despising everyone who says “Hey, how’s it going?”

Dr. Freedman:  (sighs) Please don’t make me bring out the Hello Kitty straightjacket again.  It makes me feel so silly.

I swear, every line is verbatim as it came out of the mouth of Lorelai Gilmore.  I await the Wrath Of The Fans with trepidation, a plateful of pop tarts, and an IV of caffeine.  Lorelai’s coming over later, once she fast-talks her way out of the asylum, and we’re going to decide once and for all if we’re Team Dean or Team Jess (don’t even talk to me about Team Logan), and then we’re going to go do something even more dangerous.  Have you ever heard of a Brazilian Bikini Wax??

Image credit:  Photographed by Greg Hernandez*derivative work: – Kerαunoςcopia◁galaxies – Lauren Graham, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=17574854

 

“Unnecessary” Quotation Marks In “Famous” Books

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The “Library” by Quinn Dombrowski https://flic.kr/p/89CE1X

Whoops!  I accidentally knocked a pile of unnecessary quotation marks into my classic literature collection.  Let’s see what happened:

Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)

It is a “truth” universally “acknowledged”, that a “single man” in possession of a “good fortune”, must be in want of a “wife”.

However little known the “feelings” or “views” of such a “man” may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this “truth” is so well fixed in the “minds” of the surrounding families, that he is considered the “rightful property” of some one or other of their “daughters”.

A Tale of Two Cities (Charles Dickens)

It was “the best” of times, it was “the worst” of times, it was the age of “wisdom”, it was the age of “foolishness”, it was the “epoch of belief”, it was the “epoch of incredulity”, it was the “season of Light”, it was the “season of Darkness”, it was the spring of “hope”, it was the winter of “despair”, we had “everything” before us, we had “nothing” before us, we were all going direct to “Heaven”, we were all going direct the “other way” – in short, the “period” was so far like the “present period”, that some of its noisiest “authorities” insisted on its being “received”, for good or for evil, in the “superlative” degree of “comparison only”.

The Republic (Plato)

I “went down” yesterday to the Piraeus with Glaucon the “son” of Ariston, that I might offer up my “prayers” to the “goddess” (Bendis, the “Thracian” Artemis.); and also because I wanted to see in what manner they would “celebrate” the festival, which was a “new thing”. I was “delighted” with the procession of the “inhabitants”; but that of the “Thracians” was equally, if not more, “beautiful”. When we had finished our “prayers” and viewed “the spectacle”, we turned in the direction of the “city”; and at that instant Polemarchus the “son” of Cephalus chanced to “catch sight” of us “from a distance” as we were starting on our way home, and told his “servant” to run and bid us wait for him. The servant “took hold” of me by the “cloak” behind, and said: Polemarchus “desires” you to wait.

Genesis (God)

In “the beginning” when God “created” the heavens and the earth, the “earth” was a “formless void” and darkness “covered” the face of the deep, while a “wind from God” swept over the face of the “waters”.  Then God said, “Let there be light”*; and there was “light”.  And God saw that the light was “good”; and God “separated” the light from the darkness.  God “called” the light Day, and the darkness he “called” Night.  And there was “evening” and there was “morning”, the “first day”.

Man, it’s a good thing this was an “accident”; if I’d done it on purpose, I’d be going straight to “Hell”.

* these quotation marks are in the original

Famous Paintings Discuss Current Events: Apple vs. FBI

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Don’t Panic, iPhone style 3 by ViriiGuy on deviantart.com

I think this blog is past due for another installment of Famous Paintings Discussing Current Events.  As regular readers of this blog can attest, well-known portraits will occasionally drop by and express their views on trending news items.  Really, in times like these, what we need is the wisdom and insight that only peerless works of fine art can provide.  No, Donald Trump’s hair does not count, though it is certainly a masterpiece (master piece?).  I checked in with some of the leading paintings and found that what was foremost on their minds was the battle between Apple and the FBI.

What battle, you ask?  For those of you who have had absolutely no access to any kind of media for the past several months, a) how are you reading this blog? and b) here is the background on this issue  (if you know the background, feel free to skip down to where the famous paintings start talking):

After Edward Snowden disclosed that the NSA had access to user data on iPhones and could read almost all of the information on the phones, Apple developed such strong encryption for iPhones that Apple itself can’t extract the information from the phone if it’s locked.  This led to the pending court case in which the FBI obtained a court order requiring Apple to create a new operating system that will allow iPhone security features to be disabled.  Apple refused, arguing that the government should not require Apple to create a program that undermines the security of its own product.  The iPhone in question was a work phone used by one of the shooters in the December 2015 attack in San Bernadino.  The phone may or may not contain, among other things, information about a possible third shooter.  The FBI recently asked for a delay in the court case because an Israeli company may be able to hack the locked iPhone, thus exposing a potential security flaw while giving no indication to Apple or to millions of iPhone users as to what that flaw may be.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, here’s what famous paintings have to say about it:

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American Gothic:  Have you heard about the latest development in the court battle between Apple and the FBI?

 

 

small_PabloPicasso-The-Old-Guitarist-1903

Old Guitarist:  I’ve been following the case.  I can’t believe the government actually got a judge to order a private company to create a program that would weaken the company’s flagship product.  What’s next?  Is the NEA going to get an injunction to have someone repaint my guitar and make it electric just so they can hear me play Stairway to Heaven?

 

The Scream

The Scream:  It’s outrageous!  Big Brother won’t be happy until all activity on every smartphone, tablet, and computer is automatically reported to the newly-formed Department of Douche-Baggery.  How dare they!

 

 

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Whistler’s Mother:  Your position on this issue wouldn’t have anything to do with those pictures I found on your laptop the other day, would it, dear?

 

 

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The Scream:  Hey!  That was ART!!  Those girls were OLDER THAN THEY LOOKED!!!  And STAY OFF MY LAPTOP!!!!

 

 

 

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Girl With Pearl Earring:  But what about the need to strengthen national security, especially as acts of terrorism on U.S. soil continue?  Shouldn’t the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few?

 

 

small_PabloPicasso-The-Old-Guitarist-1903

Old Guitarist:  Yes, clearly what we need in such urgent situations is a protracted legal battle.  It will be so useful to find out four months after an attack that the shooter was a frequent visitor to LOLcats.

 

 

Grant_Wood_American_Gothic

American Gothic:  What puzzles us is the FBI’s latest request for a delay because they may be able to hack the iPhone.  If they could hack the iPhone, why go to court to make Apple create a new operating system?

 

 

Monalisa

Mona Lisa:  I think it’s smart for the FBI to keep trying to extract the information from the phone in case the court case goes against them.  What I want to know is, if they do find a way to get into that phone, what’s going to keep them from hacking into my iPhone?  I have some very compromising portraits on it.

 

small_PabloPicasso-The-Old-Guitarist-1903

Old Guitarist:  Hmm.  Suddenly I’m not quite so opposed to the FBI’s actions…

 

 

 

The Scream

The Scream:  This whole situation has me so worked up.  It makes me want to shout, or holler, or just…somehow…make noise….

 

 

 

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Girl With Pearl Earring:  This is why we should elect Trump.  If we build that giant wall on the Mexican border and stop handing out green cards to terrorists, we won’t find ourselves in this situation any more.

 

 

Other paintings:

 

[speechless]

Grant_Wood_American_Gothic

 

American Gothic:  It’s nice that you’ll always be pretty, dear.  That will come in handy.

 

 

As always, all opinions are those of the paintings themselves and not those of the blog.  Is anyone else wondering if those compromising portraits on the Mona Lisa’s phone might shed some light on the meaning behind that famous smile?  And Old Guitarist, what a roué.  I would totally pay to hear him play Stairway to Heaven, wouldn’t you?  Due respect to Jimmy Page, whom I revere as a god among men, but Led Zeppelin as interpreted by Picasso sounds awesome!

 

Am Unicorn. Deal.

Self-portrait

Self-portrait (unicorn_attack__by_wallakitty-d8l29c9)

After a great deal of soul-searching, I have come to a realization that I would like to share with you, gentle readers.  As I understand it, some people identify as being something other than what they were born as or how they appear on the outside.  Well, I may seem like a girl on the outside, and the “traditional” view may categorize me as human, but I now know that I identify as a unicorn.

That’s right.  I am a legendary being who is fierce and proud, even when no one believes in me.  Even though you can’t see my horn, I am still powerful and beautiful, and I won’t be tamed.  While I can’t say I’m especially attracted to virgins, I am most definitely the living embodiment of magic and grace.  I am a unicorn.

I’ll tell you what else:  I don’t think I’m the only one out there.  I think many people may identify as unicorns and either suppress it or hide their true selves for fear of suffering scorn and ridicule.  I hope my fellow unicorns will find the courage to come forward and say, “I, too, am strong and proud.  I, too, am beautiful and magical.  I, too, am a unicorn.”

Best believe.

I swear to you…

Vector drawing based on Image:Profanity.JPG En...

Vector drawing based on Image:Profanity.JPG English: swearing in cartoon Suomi: Kiroileva sarjakuvahahmo Nederlands: Schelden en vloeken in strips 粵語: 粗口 中文: 罵髒話 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most of you who read my blog have never heard me swear.  I’m a little sad about this, because I do it really well.  By all accounts, I was born with a pronounced talent in that area, and I’ve honed that talent through many years of frustration, exasperation, and inappropriate overreaction.  I can manage to swear in just about any context, though I try to keep it to a minimum during funerals.

For instance, I walked into the office the other day and, before I’d even taken off my coat and hung up my purse, I realized I’d forgotten to do something before I left home and let out a heartfelt “M@#*f%*#!”  My officemate looked at me and said, “Really?  That’s how you’re going to start the day?”  I hung up my coat and purse and said, “You’re g@#d%*n right!”  Without any warm-up at all.  It was impressive.

I’ve been considering this for a while, and I’ve come to an important decision:  I’ve decided to turn pro.  Agents have been contacting me for a while with offers, and a number of sponsors have expressed interest.  I’ve turned down several offers from HBO, though I was tempted.  I just didn’t feel that I was ready yet.  But now I think I’ve got my swearing to such a high level of consistency that I believe I’m ready for the spotlight.  I feel good about this.

It’s been a long time coming.  I’ve been competing in the amateur leagues since I was a teenager.  In college, my profanity during the exam period reached legendary heights.  They still tell stories about me to this day.  My thesis on The Evolution of Expletives in Anglo-Saxon Literature has become the leading work in its field.  Once I hit the workforce, the sheer complexity of my obscenity blew away the competition.  Office meetings, conferences, late night projects; I cursed them all.

It’s time, I think.  I wanted to share with all of you this important decision in my life.  When you’re watching me at the Swearing and Hateful Imprecations Tournament, I want you all to know that your support is a big part of what has brought me this far.  See you in the winner’s circle!  You may want to bring your earplugs.  I’m just that good.