I swear to you…

Vector drawing based on Image:Profanity.JPG En...

Vector drawing based on Image:Profanity.JPG English: swearing in cartoon Suomi: Kiroileva sarjakuvahahmo Nederlands: Schelden en vloeken in strips 粵語: 粗口 中文: 罵髒話 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most of you who read my blog have never heard me swear.  I’m a little sad about this, because I do it really well.  By all accounts, I was born with a pronounced talent in that area, and I’ve honed that talent through many years of frustration, exasperation, and inappropriate overreaction.  I can manage to swear in just about any context, though I try to keep it to a minimum during funerals.

For instance, I walked into the office the other day and, before I’d even taken off my coat and hung up my purse, I realized I’d forgotten to do something before I left home and let out a heartfelt “M@#*f%*#!”  My officemate looked at me and said, “Really?  That’s how you’re going to start the day?”  I hung up my coat and purse and said, “You’re g@#d%*n right!”  Without any warm-up at all.  It was impressive.

I’ve been considering this for a while, and I’ve come to an important decision:  I’ve decided to turn pro.  Agents have been contacting me for a while with offers, and a number of sponsors have expressed interest.  I’ve turned down several offers from HBO, though I was tempted.  I just didn’t feel that I was ready yet.  But now I think I’ve got my swearing to such a high level of consistency that I believe I’m ready for the spotlight.  I feel good about this.

It’s been a long time coming.  I’ve been competing in the amateur leagues since I was a teenager.  In college, my profanity during the exam period reached legendary heights.  They still tell stories about me to this day.  My thesis on The Evolution of Expletives in Anglo-Saxon Literature has become the leading work in its field.  Once I hit the workforce, the sheer complexity of my obscenity blew away the competition.  Office meetings, conferences, late night projects; I cursed them all.

It’s time, I think.  I wanted to share with all of you this important decision in my life.  When you’re watching me at the Swearing and Hateful Imprecations Tournament, I want you all to know that your support is a big part of what has brought me this far.  See you in the winner’s circle!  You may want to bring your earplugs.  I’m just that good.

30 thoughts on “I swear to you…

  1. Actually it would be much more impressive in the context of “Ninja Girl” so first you have to learn how to swing a Japanese sword with authority and bring it down to slice a piece of straw perfectly in have … that might be a little tricky so perhaps if you miss that could be the occasion of epic swearing.


  2. I vote for the Telethon. Just make sure you do it on a channel that doesn’t bleep out all the good stuff. Maybe you could add obscene hand gestures to the mix to spice it up a bit 🙂


  3. LMAO!!! OMG! LOVE this post. I was laughing so hard with every sentence, I just can’t believe how much we have in common. Although I would make truckers blush, you would take the medal for sure! 😀



  4. I want to try out for the “Olympics of Swearing” too! Only, I want to go to the school for “Foreign Lingo Swearing”! I think doing it in Russian would be a kick! My Russian neighbors sound so “cool” when they argue with each other!ld be a kick! My Russian neighbors sound so “cool” when they argue with each other!


    • Russian is an excellent language for swearing in, I think. Spanish, as well. I’m fairly proficient in Spanish expletives by now. That’s the mark of a real pro, swearing in foreign languages!


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