Most of you who read my blog have never heard me swear. I’m a little sad about this, because I do it really well. By all accounts, I was born with a pronounced talent in that area, and I’ve honed that talent through many years of frustration, exasperation, and inappropriate overreaction. I can manage to swear in just about any context, though I try to keep it to a minimum during funerals.
For instance, I walked into the office the other day and, before I’d even taken off my coat and hung up my purse, I realized I’d forgotten to do something before I left home and let out a heartfelt “M@#*f%*#!” My officemate looked at me and said, “Really? That’s how you’re going to start the day?” I hung up my coat and purse and said, “You’re g@#d%*n right!” Without any warm-up at all. It was impressive.
I’ve been considering this for a while, and I’ve come to an important decision: I’ve decided to turn pro. Agents have been contacting me for a while with offers, and a number of sponsors have expressed interest. I’ve turned down several offers from HBO, though I was tempted. I just didn’t feel that I was ready yet. But now I think I’ve got my swearing to such a high level of consistency that I believe I’m ready for the spotlight. I feel good about this.
It’s been a long time coming. I’ve been competing in the amateur leagues since I was a teenager. In college, my profanity during the exam period reached legendary heights. They still tell stories about me to this day. My thesis on The Evolution of Expletives in Anglo-Saxon Literature has become the leading work in its field. Once I hit the workforce, the sheer complexity of my obscenity blew away the competition. Office meetings, conferences, late night projects; I cursed them all.
It’s time, I think. I wanted to share with all of you this important decision in my life. When you’re watching me at the Swearing and Hateful Imprecations Tournament, I want you all to know that your support is a big part of what has brought me this far. See you in the winner’s circle! You may want to bring your earplugs. I’m just that good.