I swear to you…

Vector drawing based on Image:Profanity.JPG En...

Vector drawing based on Image:Profanity.JPG English: swearing in cartoon Suomi: Kiroileva sarjakuvahahmo Nederlands: Schelden en vloeken in strips 粵語: 粗口 中文: 罵髒話 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most of you who read my blog have never heard me swear.  I’m a little sad about this, because I do it really well.  By all accounts, I was born with a pronounced talent in that area, and I’ve honed that talent through many years of frustration, exasperation, and inappropriate overreaction.  I can manage to swear in just about any context, though I try to keep it to a minimum during funerals.

For instance, I walked into the office the other day and, before I’d even taken off my coat and hung up my purse, I realized I’d forgotten to do something before I left home and let out a heartfelt “M@#*f%*#!”  My officemate looked at me and said, “Really?  That’s how you’re going to start the day?”  I hung up my coat and purse and said, “You’re g@#d%*n right!”  Without any warm-up at all.  It was impressive.

I’ve been considering this for a while, and I’ve come to an important decision:  I’ve decided to turn pro.  Agents have been contacting me for a while with offers, and a number of sponsors have expressed interest.  I’ve turned down several offers from HBO, though I was tempted.  I just didn’t feel that I was ready yet.  But now I think I’ve got my swearing to such a high level of consistency that I believe I’m ready for the spotlight.  I feel good about this.

It’s been a long time coming.  I’ve been competing in the amateur leagues since I was a teenager.  In college, my profanity during the exam period reached legendary heights.  They still tell stories about me to this day.  My thesis on The Evolution of Expletives in Anglo-Saxon Literature has become the leading work in its field.  Once I hit the workforce, the sheer complexity of my obscenity blew away the competition.  Office meetings, conferences, late night projects; I cursed them all.

It’s time, I think.  I wanted to share with all of you this important decision in my life.  When you’re watching me at the Swearing and Hateful Imprecations Tournament, I want you all to know that your support is a big part of what has brought me this far.  See you in the winner’s circle!  You may want to bring your earplugs.  I’m just that good.