Little Blind Girl visits the optometrist

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Even though I’m legally blind, I do go to the optometrist and get a prescription for glasses. I don’t wear them a lot because they give me headaches, they’re very heavy…oh, let’s face it. I don’t wear them because they make me look like a dork. I assume. I’m going by the way guys will turn to me and say, “Oh, hi–oh, my God!” and shortly afterward find themselves urgently needing to leave. So I don’t go with the glasses in public that often, but they’re still nice to have for when I’m at home. Alone. In private. With no one else around.

I’d gotten used to my old optometrist. He understood my quirks and visual eccentricities. They’d have been visual insanities, but his fees were really high. He also managed not to laugh until after I had left his office, which I always appreciated. So I wasn’t thrilled when, the next time I made an appointment, there was a new guy in the office. He was very nice, I assumed as always that he was strikingly good looking, but he wasn’t my guy. But you take what you can get, with optometrists as with dating. I warned his staff ahead of time that I’m a little different and then just showed up on the appointed day.

So we started the examination with a test of my depth perception. I was supposed to focus on an object while he covered and then uncovered one of my eyes. Dutifully, I stared at the object. Seconds passed. “Focus on the object,” he said. I focused again, as much as I could. More seconds passed. “I need you to focus on the object,” he said again, with that exaggerated patience people show when they know so much better than you do. I sighed, focused as best I could, and waited. There’s a breaking-in period with any new optometrist, when you’re legally blind.

“Why aren’t you focusing on the object? Are you having problems?” he asked. What I wanted to say was, “You’re the eye doc. You tell me. Oh wait, you’re not really a doctor, are you? Maybe I should go to a real eye doctor!” What I actually said, because you never know when these things are going to get back to your mother, was “I’m doing the best I can, I just don’t have any depth perception.” He wrote some stuff on his clipboard, probably to make himself feel like a real doctor, and moved on to the next test.

The next test was of peripheral vision. Again, one eye was covered, and I had to tell the doctor when his hand came into view out of the corner of my other eye. He covered one eye, and I sighed a little to myself and waited. Seconds passed again. “You really can’t see my hand?” he asked. “No, I really can’t,” I replied, and I don’t think I used that tone of exaggerated patience that he had used, but I really wanted to.

Finally I saw his hand and said so. “Wow, I’ve never examined anyone with a loss of peripheral vision that dramatic!” he remarked, all cheerful, as he made more I-wish-I-were-a-real-doctor notes on his clipboard. Now, what does one say to that? Thanks? I’ve been working really hard at it? I sat on my hands (to keep from doing the face-palm slap) and waited for the next test.

Eventually, we got to the part where I had to read out lines on a chart across the room. “Read out loud the lowest line you can make out,” he told me. I really, really wanted to work with him. It’s nice to have glasses that let me see enough to read a large-print book. But…”I’m sorry, sir–where’s the chart?”

Nope, not exaggerating! This story ends with me getting referred to an out-of-town specialist who, I sincerely hope, has actually read my file. It does not end with me getting glasses. The interesting part was when the new guy wanted to get paid. At that point, I’d about had it, and I gave him a Look. That part of my vision he seemed to understand perfectly. Finally, we’re seeing eye to eye!

December 20, 2011littleblindgirl 5 Comments

Why not be a frog?

Image via Wikipedia. Blissful or dead?

Ah, college! The vast opportunities for learning, the endless ability to procrastinate, the lack of consequences for skipping class…I once skipped an introductory philosophy class so often that the professor asked my classmates if I was sick. Then there’s the time I defended my senior thesis before I wrote it–successfully! I hear that one still gets talked about.

I majored, among other things, in Philosophy, which meant that my roommate was on the receiving end of some major overly-serious pontification. My roommate was blonde, tan, and gorgeous, but you couldn’t hate her because she was also really, really nice. And smart. She started off as pre-med, ended up spending a year or two wandering around Australia, and then I kind of lost track of her after that. She ended up being the perfect person to have lengthy late-night conversations with about the meaning of life and assorted related topics.

One such conversation was about the definition of happiness. I thought there was one universal kind of happiness that we all participated in to a greater or lesser degree. Her point was that happiness is an emotion that depends in part on the capacity of your brain to process emotions. I think. So, she said, while she as a human had the ability to feel all different kinds and degrees of happiness, a frog is pretty much either blissful or dead. She paused, then concluded, “I really don’t think I’d want to be a frog!”

And they say kids don’t learn anything in school.

December 19, 2011littleblindgirl Leave a comment

LBG’s rules to live by

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I being the little blind girl am sometimes known as LBG. Occasionally, I get mixed up with LJG, or Leroy Jethro Gibbs, a character on NCIS. Apparently, Gibbs has about sixty rules for living that he makes his subordinates follow. Well, I’ve got some rules, too, that have served me well throughout my life. This would be more impressive if I were about twice as old. However, even a young’n like me can find herself in some sticky situations, and here’s my advice on how to deal with them:

1. Never wear shoes you can’t run in. This may seem only to apply to girls, but guys, check the soles of your shoes. Even when you’re at a fancy black-tie event, you may find yourself needing to run away from amorous cougars, people you owe money to, or the occasional enemy assault. Hey, I can’t be the only one that happens to! My advice: take a quick sprint on a hardwood floor before you go out for the evening. If you can’t outrun an armed attacker, change your shoes. Corollary to this, ladies (and some guys): learn how to climb out of a second story window in heels.

2. Never turn down free food. This one stood me in good stead while I was in school, but the habit has stuck, and let me tell you, free food is always something to accept. If it’s something that you can’t identify and you feel awkward about refusing, just don’t look too closely and pretend it’s tofu, which pretty much always looks weird. Under no circumstances ask what it was you just ate. Trust me on this.

3. Don’t bother with the Do Not Call registry. It used to help, but there are a million ways around it these days. Instead of cutting off the telemarketers, keep them on the phone. They have quotas to make. Ask them to explain their products, compare their free gifts to other companies’ free gifts, quiz them on fees and surcharges. When all else fails, correct their grammar. Word gets around; they’ll stop calling.

4. Sometimes life forces you to the edge of a cliff. When this happens, you can either look at the ground, put your tail between your legs and go backwards, or you can jump off the cliff. Always, always, always jump off the cliff. You can figure out the parachute on the way down. Just jump. You might go splat, but you might learn to fly.

5. Don’t live by anyone else’s rules but your own.

Don’t get me wrong; I like Gibbs, and I like his rules, especially the one about not getting between a Marine and his coffee. I know that one from experience. I might also say, don’t get between a new parent and his or her coffee. And especially don’t get between a Marine who just became a parent and his coffee. But these are my rules, and I offer them to you to adopt or ignore as you please. I highly recommend the telemarketer one, though. That’s free entertainment, and fun for the whole family.

December 18, 2011littleblindgirl 10 Comments

Holiday spirit

What are my plans for the holidays, you ask?

We kept wondering why they wouldn’t let us in! Special shout out to my Sainted Mother, who’s deaf in one ear. She’s half deaf and I’m half blind. We’re awesome together! “What’s that over there?” “What?” “That over there!” “The cat has hair?” We’re thinking of taking the act on the road. Remember to tip your waitresses! We’ll be here all night.

December 17, 2011littleblindgirl 5 Comments

Oh, my sainted mother!

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One Christmas, my sister and I were playing Trivial Pursuit with our mother. Our sainted mother is many things: intelligent, talented, brave, funny. But even she would admit that she’s not hip. She’s not with it, street-wise, down with the kids. She got all the science and literature questions, but the pop culture questions were proving to be her undoing.

So when she came to the question, “What East Coast rapper was killed as a result of a drive-by shooting in Los Angeles in 1997?”, Big Sis and I both just assumed she wouldn’t know it and moved on to the next turn. Sainted Mother stopped us and said, “Hey, give me a chance. I might know it.” We assured her that she had no chance of getting it right, but she insisted that she wanted at least to try.

So we asked her, and she said, “Oh, is that that Biggie Smalls person?”

Sainted Mother, we will never doubt you again.

December 16, 2011littleblindgirl 4 Comments

Alternate ending to Twilight series

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Disclaimer: I’m actually quite attached to the Twilight book series. It’s soothing, purely escapist fiction. But some of the repetitions get on my nerves. Turns out, they got on the author’s nerves, too (further disclaimer: not actually true, of course). This alternate ending to the Twilight series recently came to light:

Bella and Edward had skipped school yet again to find somewhere for Edward to sparkle in peace. His glorious perfection overwhelmed Bella, who tripped over nothing, but adorably. Edward smirked at her as they climbed through the endless supply of woods in Forks. “Edward?” asked Bella, with tears lurking in her voice.

“Yes, my true and eternal love?” replied Edward. His incomparable, perfect voice hung in the air, more melodious than the most perfect symphony. Bella gazed at his gorgeous, most perfectest face and forgot what she was going to say. Edward chuckled. Bella started to cry. Edward sighed in exasperation, but perfectly. “I realize I may regret asking this, but what is making you cry this time?” he asked, disapproving.

“I just know I’ll never be good enough or smart enough or pretty enough for you. I’m so weak and vulnerable. I don’t deserve such a strong, amazing, perfect savior man. If only you would ravage my body so that I could deserve you at last,” she sniffed, as Susan Faludi’s head exploded into tiny, angry pieces.

Edward started to reply, but his constant chuckling distracted him from the path in front of him, and a low hanging branch hit him across the head. Stunned for a second, Edward shook himself, then looked at the girl to whom he had given his cold and unbeating heart. Somehow, something seemed to have clicked in his head after the blow he received. “You know, you’re right. What was I thinking? I should just go hook up with that blonde vampire chick in Alaska. I hear she’s easy!” And without further ado, Edward drained Bella’s sweet, sweet blood from her body, dumped her down a convenient ravine, and got on with his undeath. Party at the Cullen house!

Edward Cullen: now available! Image via Wikipedia

December 15, 2011littleblindgirl 6 Comments

And the award goes to….

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I recently received a Versatile Blogger award nomination from onwindydays, which I think is super nifty keen! I’m very flattered that anyone would think my blog is worthy of an award, and I’d like to thank onwindydays for the nomination.

Here’s the thing about the Versatile Blogger award, though: it’s basically a chain letter for blogs. It’s a really warm and fuzzy chain letter, but when you’re nominated, you’re supposed to nominate 10-15 other bloggers for the award, and they nominate 10-15 others, and so on until, as far as I can tell, no one is blogging about anything except how they’ve been nominated for the award! Also, it doesn’t look like there’s any way actually to vote on which nominees win, which means I never get to put on my virtual couture gown, parade down the virtual red carpet, and look as if I virtually believe myself when someone else wins and I have to pretend to be thrilled for them. Always a nominee, never a nom!

So I have created my own award: The Don’t Read This Blog At Work award, for blogs that will make you laugh at inappropriate times if you’re not careful about where you are when you check them. Here’s the award pic I created for it:

Here are my rules for the award: you may nominate no more than three bloggers, each of whom must have made you laugh out loud with at least one post. Those who receive the nominations may consider themselves as having received the award, and they must post a gushing acceptance speech thanking the person who nominated them, perhaps thanking any companion animals they may blog about (I would thank my whistling marmoset, for example), and maybe closing with a shout out to their lord and savior or, failing that, their parents. Those who receive the award may, but need not, pass on the award, but will not themselves be eligible again until they have published at least ten more posts. There will be absolutely no oversight of any of this, so feel free to violate the rules at your pleasure.

So there you go: I’ve created this award, and now I’m sending it out into the world. Who am I nominating? Onwindydays! Not just a pretty site, this blog will make you laugh at the blogger’s inveterate procrastination from studying, and then reaffirm your faith in basic decency when you see what a sweet, clever, kind-hearted person the blogger is. I highly recommend perusing the blog, especially if you have a test or major project you’re trying to put off getting ready for. And thanks for the nomination, sweetie!

December 14, 2011littleblindgirl 5 Comments

Mad libs and whistling marmosets

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For your reading pleasure and, I hope, your entertainment, I have composed a mad lib about the adventures of the little blind girl. Go down the list below, pick your words–before you read the mad lib!–then fill in the blanks and see what you get:

1. noun, singular. 2. verb, past tense. 3. noun, singular. 4. noun; singular or plural. 5. adjective 6. noun, plural. 7. question 8. statement. 9. noun, plural. 10. verb, infinitive 11. adverb. 12. insult. 13. living creature 14. verb, present tense.

The little blind girl looked up and squinted at the ___________ (noun, singular). She shook her head, sighed, and _____________ (verb, past tense), something she hadn’t done in way too long. Once the ____________ (noun, singular) wore off, she went to the store across the street toward the ___________ (noun; singular or plural) and bought one of the ____________ (adjective) _____________ (noun, plural), a purchase she would come to regret.

The clerk smiled at the little blind girl and said, “_____________ (question)?” The little blind girl, a little puzzled, replied “_______________ (statement).” The clerk gave the little blind girl her change and waved goodbye.

On the way back across the street, the little blind girl noticed a shop selling ___________ (noun, plural) she had never noticed before, and decided to ____________ (verb, infinitive) her way inside. But as soon as she stepped in the store, the shopkeeper looked ___________ (adverb) at her and said, “_____________________ (insult)!” The little blind girl left in a huff.

Back in her apartment, the little blind girl smiled wistfully at her ____________ (living creature) and said, “At least you don’t _________ (verb, present tense)!”

Here’s what I got:

The little blind girl looked up and squinted at the pilgrim hat. She shook her head, sighed, and did the electric slide, something she hadn’t done in way too long. Once the pizza wore off, she went to the store across the street toward the shoes and bought one of the stupefying Hawaiian shirts, a purchase she would come to regret.

The clerk smiled at the little blind girl and said, “Where will you be when the Rapture comes?” The little blind girl, a little puzzled, replied “I’ve never been able to play the tuba.” The clerk gave the little blind girl her change and waved goodbye.

On the way back across the street, the little blind girl noticed a shop selling tutus that she had never noticed before, and decided to mime her way inside. But as soon as she stepped in the door, the shopkeeper looked saltily at her and said, “You have the most horrifying socks I’ve ever seen!” The little blind girl left in a huff.

Back in her apartment, the little blind girl smiled wistfully at her marmoset and said, “At least you don’t whistle!”

Really, I think it was worth it for the last sentence alone! Feel free to share your versions. And, for the record, I think my socks are awesome.

Marmoset: CC Image by Tony Hisgett via Flickr

December 13, 2011littleblindgirl 9 Comments

Blind Olympics

Those of us who are blind or have low vision would like a chance to participate, too, which is why I support the Blind Olympics. Here are a few highlights from the last games of this lesser-known event:

Blind tennis

The highly-anticipated match between the French singles champion and the British underdog drew record crowds, who cheered loudly for the French champion as he came within mere feet of hitting the tennis ball. His British counterpart fared less well, running into the net while attempting to return a serve and finally getting tangled in the mesh and bringing the entire apparatus crashing down. Points were awarded, however, for the astounding accuracy shown while he attempted to disentangle himself and, still swinging his racket, scored a direct hit on his opponent’s head.

Blind pole-vaulting

The team from Kenya took the gold with their amazing performance in this event. As fans of the event know, blind pole-vaulting is scored by averaging how far each vaulter is from the bar at his highest point and awarding the medal to the team that averages the closest to the bar. Kenya placed first with two vaulters skimming high a few yards to the left of the bar, two flying low and to the right, and one flinging himself right into the bar in what must have been a heart-breaking turn of events for second-place Japan. Medics at the event pronounced the last vaulter bruised but essentially unharmed, but speculation is that his vision may actually have improved as a result of the impact, leading commentators to wonder if he would be eligible to return for the next Blind Olympics. His many supporters can only wait and hope for his vision not to return.

Blind soccer

This first attempt at including soccer in the Blind Olympics ended not with a bang, but a whimper as Germany won the toss and took a dominant position early on, until an unfortunate kick sent the ball to a location none of the players could find. Sighted referees eventually had to locate the ball after every play and stand beside the ball shouting so that the players would know where to go. Sadly for the referees, the players did not always land their kicks on the ball, and more than one referee ended up limping off the field with a nasty bruise on his shin. The game ended with no scores on either side when the supply of referees had been exhausted.

Blind shot put

The most highly-anticipated event of the Blind Olympics, blind shot put, drew to a nail-biting conclusion when the Belgian front-runner and his Australian rival each entered the last round having caused 4 concussions and 18 broken bones. A simple nosebleed could determine who received the gold and who went home with the silver.

The Belgian contender aimed carefully at the noisiest section of the audience, then threw. The sound of a crack! and a shriek of agony brought loud cheers from the Belgian supporters. The injury was determined to be a broken collarbone, a painful but nonfatal injury earning the Belgian a nearly-unbeatable finish.

The Australian, visibly nervous, was initially unsure where to aim due to the numerous audience members all shouting and screaming, but then settled on a location and made his throw. Incredibly, the impact was greeted with not one but two screams of pain, determined finally to be a 5th concussion and a shattered kneecap from the ricochet, catapulting the Australian into first place and winning him the gold.

It takes guts to compete in the Blind Olympics. It takes a high pain tolerance and good health insurance to be in the audience for the Blind Olympics. It may take clinical insanity to be in the audience during Blind Shot Put. But you must admit: it’s anything but boring!