I being the little blind girl am sometimes known as LBG. Occasionally, I get mixed up with LJG, or Leroy Jethro Gibbs, a character on NCIS. Apparently, Gibbs has about sixty rules for living that he makes his subordinates follow. Well, I’ve got some rules, too, that have served me well throughout my life. This would be more impressive if I were about twice as old. However, even a young’n like me can find herself in some sticky situations, and here’s my advice on how to deal with them:
1. Never wear shoes you can’t run in. This may seem only to apply to girls, but guys, check the soles of your shoes. Even when you’re at a fancy black-tie event, you may find yourself needing to run away from amorous cougars, people you owe money to, or the occasional enemy assault. Hey, I can’t be the only one that happens to! My advice: take a quick sprint on a hardwood floor before you go out for the evening. If you can’t outrun an armed attacker, change your shoes. Corollary to this, ladies (and some guys): learn how to climb out of a second story window in heels.
2. Never turn down free food. This one stood me in good stead while I was in school, but the habit has stuck, and let me tell you, free food is always something to accept. If it’s something that you can’t identify and you feel awkward about refusing, just don’t look too closely and pretend it’s tofu, which pretty much always looks weird. Under no circumstances ask what it was you just ate. Trust me on this.
3. Don’t bother with the Do Not Call registry. It used to help, but there are a million ways around it these days. Instead of cutting off the telemarketers, keep them on the phone. They have quotas to make. Ask them to explain their products, compare their free gifts to other companies’ free gifts, quiz them on fees and surcharges. When all else fails, correct their grammar. Word gets around; they’ll stop calling.
4. Sometimes life forces you to the edge of a cliff. When this happens, you can either look at the ground, put your tail between your legs and go backwards, or you can jump off the cliff. Always, always, always jump off the cliff. You can figure out the parachute on the way down. Just jump. You might go splat, but you might learn to fly.
5. Don’t live by anyone else’s rules but your own.
Don’t get me wrong; I like Gibbs, and I like his rules, especially the one about not getting between a Marine and his coffee. I know that one from experience. I might also say, don’t get between a new parent and his or her coffee. And especially don’t get between a Marine who just became a parent and his coffee. But these are my rules, and I offer them to you to adopt or ignore as you please. I highly recommend the telemarketer one, though. That’s free entertainment, and fun for the whole family.