Alternate ending to Twilight series

Bella Swan

Image via Wikipedia

Disclaimer:  I’m actually quite attached to the Twilight book series.  It’s soothing, purely escapist fiction.  But some of the repetitions get on my nerves.  Turns out, they got on the author’s nerves, too (further disclaimer: not actually true, of course).  This alternate ending to the Twilight series recently came to light:

Bella and Edward had skipped school yet again to find somewhere for Edward to sparkle in peace. His glorious perfection overwhelmed Bella, who tripped over nothing, but adorably.  Edward smirked at her as they climbed through the endless supply of woods in Forks.  “Edward?” asked Bella, with tears lurking in her voice.

“Yes, my true and eternal love?” replied Edward.  His incomparable, perfect voice hung in the air, more melodious than the most perfect symphony.  Bella gazed at his gorgeous, most perfectest face and forgot what she was going to say.  Edward chuckled.  Bella started to cry.  Edward sighed in exasperation, but perfectly.  “I realize I may regret asking this, but what is making you cry this time?” he asked, disapproving.

“I just know I’ll never be good enough or smart enough or pretty enough for you.  I’m so weak and vulnerable.  I don’t deserve such a strong, amazing, perfect savior man.  If only you would ravage my body so that I could deserve you at last,” she sniffed, as Susan Faludi’s head exploded into tiny, angry pieces.

Edward started to reply, but his constant chuckling distracted him from the path in front of him, and a low hanging branch hit him across the head.  Stunned for a second, Edward shook himself, then looked at the girl to whom he had given his cold and unbeating heart.  Somehow, something seemed to have clicked in his head after the blow he received.  “You know, you’re right.  What was I thinking?  I should just go hook up with that blonde vampire chick in Alaska.  I hear she’s easy!”  And without further ado, Edward drained Bella’s sweet, sweet blood from her body, dumped her down a convenient ravine, and got on with his undeath.  Party at the Cullen house!

Edward Cullen

Edward Cullen: now available! Image via Wikipedia

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