Why are all the songs about California? Sure, there’s the occasional Sweet Home Alabama or Midnight Train to Georgia, and plenty of people are in an Empire State of Mind, but in the final analysis of pop songs about places, California tops the topic. I got a demonstration of this the other day when I put my iPod on shuffle and, in the space of 90 minutes, it played five songs about California and not a single track about Michigan, South Dakota, or Maine.
To be fair, Michigan and South Dakota are hard to rhyme. Maine is really, really easy to rhyme, though, and when was the last time anyone whipped or nae naed to a song about Maine? (Nae nae’d? Naed nae? Do you nae nae with your bae?) Here’s a quiz to help you figure out if you think California truly deserves to win the little gold statue for Best Song Topic By A Location or whether you think it just gets all the songs because it’s pretty:
1. So what is it about California girls, anyway?
A. They’re undeniable! Daisy dukes, bikinis on top…
B. I wish they all could be California girls.
C. Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz.
D. Soon as I stepped on the scene, I’m hearing hoochies screaming.
E. Spray tans and Photoshop. Nailed it!
2. How is it that, every time California is in a magazine or a movie, it looks like paradise? Isn’t there a massive drought there? And, like, a major earthquake fault line?
A. You could travel the world, but nothing comes close to the golden coast.
B. From Oakland to Sactown, the Bay Area and back down, Cali is where they put they mack down.
C. I was thinking to myself, ‘This could be Heaven or this could be Hell’
D. All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray.
E. I never thought paradise would have this many Kardashians.
3. The official state motto of California is “Eureka.” The unofficial state motto is:
A. The state where ya never find a dance floor empty.
B. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
C. Space may be the final frontier, but it’s made in a Hollywood basement.
D. We’ll melt your popsicle.
E. Sorry about all the Kardashians.
4. I’ve heard that all the nuts roll to California. Is that true?
A. Let me welcome everybody to the Wild, Wild West!
B. It’s the edge of the world and all of Western civilization.
C. Warm, wet, and wild; there must be something in the water.
D. And still those voices are calling from far away…
E. No. They roll to D.C. and stay there until it’s time to run for re-election.
5. All right, I’m sold. I’m going to California! Who’s with me?
A. Once you party with us, you’ll be falling in love.
B. Pack a vest for your Jimmy in the city of sex.
C. If I didn’t tell her, I could leave today.
D. What a nice surprise! Bring your alibis.
E. I would, but I have narcissophobia (fear of Kardashians)
Mostly A’s, B’s, C’s, or D’s: Party on, California girl! You know when to whip and when to nae nae, and you always make time to lay underneath the palm trees sipping gin and juice. Keep on living it up at the Hotel California! Just try to limit the money and alcohol fiendin’, and remember to practice safe Californication.
Mostly E’s: Congratulations! You hate politicians, Kardashians, and the culture of celebrity as much as I do. You win the quiz. You lose the internet, though; California won that a long time ago. Second place went to catz. Sorry.