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I’ve decided that everyone should get a Don’t Bother Me day.  A Don’t Bother Me day is one day a week when you deal with all your regularly scheduled crap, but no one gets to dump unscheduled crap on you.  Your boss can’t fire you, the IRS can’t give you notice of an audit, you can’t get served with divorce papers, the bank can’t foreclose on your house.  The postal service has to hold back any mail marked DBM-unsafe (wouldn’t that be a fun job, DBM Inspector?)  You pick one regular weekly Don’t Bother Me day, and we’ll keep track of it all in a National Don’t Bother Me Day Registry.  We’ll have to have exceptions for medical emergencies for you or your immediate family, but no other exceptions, period.  Don’t Bother Me means Don’t Bother Me.

If anyone tries to bother you on your Don’t Bother Me day, it’s a defense to whatever they’re bothering you with that they tried it on a Don’t Bother Me day.  The IRS can’t proceed with the audit, the divorcing spouse can’t get alimony.  For violators of Don’t Bother Me day, a civil penalty will be assessed and will go toward the maintenance of the national registry.  After a certain number of violations, that person’s own Don’t Bother Me day rights will be revoked.  It seems only fair.  They can petition to have them restored after they demonstrate sufficient consideration for the rights of others.

This goes for private and personal stuff, too, and I think a certain amount of social stigma should attach to those who violate someone’s Don’t Bother Me day by dumping on them emotionally on that day.  Those who break up with their significant others on their Don’t Bother Me days should expect their cars to get egged, or to find their pictures on websites detailing the gruesome exploits of those dregs of society, the Don’t Bother Me day violators.  Or, ooh!  A tabloid devoted to their exploits, published regularly and available at every supermarket.  DBM Violators Weekly; I’d subscribe.

For me, I’m going to start things rolling by declaring my Don’t Bother Me day as Tuesday.  Many would go with Monday, and I respect that choice, but for me every Tuesday is a day I just want to get through with work, hurry home, read trashy books and drink strawberry soda that tastes nothing like strawberries.  Anyone who tries to bother me on this day can expect to have his or her head handed to him.  Making this my Don’t Bother Me day really just gives people fair warning of this.  I’m only trying to make the world a better place.  Don’t we all deserve a day off from dealing with life’s crap?