Ask a Little Blind Girl, Part 2

Old woman at desk, 1967

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It’s time for another installment of Ask a Little Blind Girl, because there just wasn’t enough crazy in the first go round.  This time, we have some really burning questions that I know you’ve all been wondering about.  I have actually been asked each of these questions–the first two I get pretty frequently.  The last one was just recently posed, but it’s an issue of such magnitude that I’m throwing it in right away, and I think you’ll understand why when you get to it.  So here we go:


1.  Little Blind Girl, I like to go out at night, but I can’t wear contacts and I’m too vain to wear my glasses.  How can I tell if a guy is hot if I can’t actually see him?

–Myopic in Manhattan

Dear Myopic in Manhattan:  Yeah, blind and vain is a really frustrating combination.  But if you’ve conquered the questions of how to put on eyeliner when you can’t see what you’re doing and how to navigate a crowded club in four inch heels with no depth perception, this one’s fairly easy.

Respect M.E.

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Guys will treat girls as crappily as they can get away with.  The cuter the guy, the more he can get away with, because girls as a rule will let him.  Lesson 1 to take from all this:  Girls, grow a f*cking spine and stop putting up with this sh*t.  Lesson 2 to take from all this:  if a guy is treating you really nicely and is showing lots of courtesy, he’s either really ugly, happily married, or gay.

If a guy is treating you like you’re something he found on the bottom of his shoe after he walked the dog, you don’t have to know what he looks like to know he’s hot.  But trust me, he’s not worth it.  You put a lot of effort into getting all prettied up to go out, spend your time with someone who appreciates that.  If you never put your glasses back on, you’ll never know the difference.

2.  Little Blind Girl, why do you spend so long in the bathroom getting ready if you can’t even see what you look like?  What’s the point?

–Definitely a Guy in Way Too Much of a Hurry

Dear Definitely a Guy in Way Too Much of a Hurry:  You have completely misunderstood the point of the bathroom ritual for girls.  This is not just about trying not to look like death warmed over, thereby ensuring that I will appear unprofessional and a poor employment prospect, and it’s also not about attracting guys (although that would be nice) or impressing my girlfriends (who honest to God don’t care).  This is my meditation.


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I could sit around in a lotus position humming for hours, or I could make myself pretty by doing unbelievably damaging things to my hair and putting acid directly on my face.  I choose acid.  Mostly because I find the lotus position incredibly uncomfortable, but also because I like the steam that comes from my curling iron when I’m frying the crap out of my hair.  I like to put on some soothing music, light some candles, maybe have a fruit smoothie, and coat my face in pounds of makeup so no one knows what I really look like.  This has the added benefit that when I turn to my life of crime, no one will be able to give a good description of me.  Bonus!  This is my “me” time.  Just let me have it.


3.  Dear Little Blind Girl:  Who’s sexier, Johnny Depp in full Captain Jack Sparrow regalia or Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry?


Dear Anonymous:  Oh, my God, why do you hate me?  I have no idea.  It’s like a paradox, like two things with this much sexy can’t exist at the same time or the universe will explode.  It’s just not possible, and yet–does anyone know if Benedict Cumberbatch has actually read any erotic poetry?  We may want to sign a treaty forbidding him to do it, just in case it ends up being too much sexy for one world.

Benedict Cumberbatch

Benedict Cumberbatch (Photo credit: honeyfitz)

And are we talking about really good erotic poetry?  I mean, Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow is the ultimate in visual sexy…but as a Little Blind Girl, I think I’m going to have to go with Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry.  I never thought the day would come.  Sorry, Johnny.  It’s not you, it’s me.  If anyone knows of any recordings of Benedict Cumberbatch reading erotic poetry, let me know.  Please.  Really, please.

Celebrities with sexy voices and what I’d have them say

Hugo Weaving as Elrond in The Lord of the Ring...

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As most of you know, certainly those of you who troubled to read the subtitle of the blog, I can’t see very well.  When I watch television shows or movies, I depend a lot more on the voices of the actors than most people do.  When an actor speaks without inflection or nuance, it doesn’t matter to me how cute he is or how pretty she is, or how stunning the sets or costumes are, I’m not getting anything out of the show.

On the other hand, there are actors who knock my socks off with their voices–and you know how I feel about my socks!  So I’m offering to you a list of actors whose voices make me melt, and what (in another world) I would have them say.  Clips are provided for reference; try closing your eyes and listening to them, without seeing the screen at all.  Experience the world Little-Blind-Girl style.  Then you can open your eyes and gaze at Brad Pitt and George Clooney all you want.  Actually, George Clooney’s voice isn’t bad, either.  But he can’t hold a candle to these guys:

1.  Hugo Weaving:  Really, this one should be obvious.  I mean, the man managed to be a sex symbol while wearing a mask, gloves, and costume that covered every inch of his body in V for Vendetta.  That’s the power of his voice.


In my mind, he’s saying, “Little Blind Girl, the days when you do not post to your blog are lost days for me.  I cannot bear to speak of those times.”

2.  Clint Eastwood:  My God, this man’s voice will be sexy as he’s giving his deathbed utterance.  Forget the squinty blue eyes, the lean face, the sensitive hands, just give me the voice.  Seriously.  Pick any movie he’s in, pop on an eyeshade, and play it.  You’ll never be able to go back to watching network television again.


I like to imagine him saying, “Go ahead, Little Blind Girl, make my day.”

3.  Morgan Freeman:  If they ever make a movie about my life, I want the voice-over narration to be done by this man.  Whenever I’m trying to make headway in some particularly tedious technical publication, I imagine it performed in the style of Morgan Freeman.  Take out the instructions for your toaster oven and imagine him reading them.  Good, huh?  Man’s got talent.


In the interviews he gives in my imagination, Morgan Freeman says “The Little Blind Girl, she’s like the sun coming out after a storm, the fire when you’ve been out in the cold, the first flower of spring.  You just sit and wait and think about that wonderful time in the future when she’ll come back into your life.”

4.  John Hannah:  Though he’s been in many movies, including Four Weddings and a Funeral, and the occasional television show, such as Carnivale, I think I like him best in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns.  Such a wonderful, versatile actor, with a wonderful, versatile voice.  Take a listen:


In the movie of my life, his quote will be, “My God, Little Blind Girl, you’re magnificent!  How  do you wake up every morning looking so radiant?”  Although, really, he could just read the cereal box with that accent.

5.  Benedict Cumberbatch:  The man whose voice inspired this post.  Like many, I first became familiar with him through the BBC remake of the Sherlock Holmes stories, cleverly entitled Sherlock.  He plays the title character, and never has an asexual high-functioning sociopath sounded so glorious.  I’m in love with him for his voice alone.  I’m sure he’s also a wonderful human being, and he’s certainly an outstanding actor…but it’s the voice.  Listen to the video and you’ll understand why:


In a not-too-distant possible world in which he’s in love with me, he leans in and whispers into my ear, “Oh, Little Blind Girl, I’m ashamed of the things I want to do to you.”

So there you have it!  What do you think?  Are there better voices out there?  What would you have Morgan Freeman say in the voice-over narration for the movie of your life?  Tell me how right or wrong I am.  Then go watch the BBC’s Sherlock.  Trust me on this.