In the eye of the beholder

 
 
Beauty Products

Image by OrangeCounty_Girl via Flickr

I’ve received some questions about how a legally blind girl manages with makeup, so I thought I’d post a typical day’s beauty routine.  Maybe it will answer a few questions; probably, it will raise a few more.

7:00 AM:  Alarm goes off.  Pretend I don’t really need to get up yet, hit snooze several times.

7:21 AM Look at alarm clock in panic, jump out of bed and into shower.

7:22 AM Debate whether to use volumizing or hydrating shampoo.  Think, do I want to go for a Kate Middleton look or an Angelina Jolie look with my hair today?  Realize likelihood of either look actually panning out, sigh, reach for whatever’s nearest.

7:25 AM Carefully massage conditioner only onto length of hair as have been told to do by trade journals, a.k.a. beauty magazines.  Let conditioner soak in while hesitating between exfoliating face wash and deep pore cleansing face wash.  End up using same orange goop have used since high school.

7:32 Take life in hands by attempting to shave while blind and with hot water streaming in eyes.  Cut self, curse, repeat.

7:41 Step out of shower, dry self, bandage wounds.  Look closely in mirror.

7:42 Sit sobbing on toilet, asking self why self looked in mirror just out of the shower.  Am hideous, am ravaged by age, am doomed to die alone.

7:46  Gather courage in hands, apply makeup with trowel, check in mirror again.  Am slightly less hideous, now willing to face public exposure.

7:54 Carefully avoid scale.

7: 55 Apply volumizer, shine enhancer, heat protector, styling spray, styling gel, blow dryer, curling iron, and product from Home Shopping Network am unwilling to name as is too embarrassing.  End up with hair resembling neither Kate Middleton nor Angelina Jolie, but closer to Olsen twins during their celebrated Bag Lady period.

8:12 Get dressed, eat breakfast, check news to make sure we aren’t at war with anyone new since yesterday.

8:15 Leave for work.

8:30 Arrive at office.  Boss arrives at same time, says to self “oh, you kids, you can just roll out of bed and look pretty.”  Feel all was worthwhile.  Proceed with rest of day.

I think the lesson of this post is, beauty is never in the eye of the beholder when the beholder is looking in the mirror, even when the beholder can’t actually see herself clearly.  Maybe especially then.  Anyway, there you go:  fairly typical for women, I think, regardless of visual acuity.  I think the part my colleagues will find funniest about this post is the part where I claim to arrive at work by 8:30…

3 thoughts on “In the eye of the beholder

  1. Well, sounds like a pretty normal morning except that nobody has ever accused me of falling out of bed looking pretty – except maybe my mother.

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  2. Depending on which jurisdiction I shall be sitting, I awaken between 6:30 or 7 am. Pete jumps in bed, I wake up, and he goes back to sleep. I get out of bed, streach, then scratch in places that one does not scratch in public. Hit the bathroom, then head downstairs for coffee and the papers. Daddle, then finallly realize I should probably shower and go to work. Shower, shave in shower, then look at myself in the mirror, and say “What the hell happened to you!?” Get dressed, making sure my boxer shorts are not on backwards. Figure things aren’t going to get any better so I head off to work. Try to remember just where he hell I’m sitting on any given day. Sometimes it’s Harrisonburg, where I occasionaly experience a “Little Blind Girl.” Never a dull moment there!! “LBG” has noted that “There’s no way the Court can intelligently rule otherwise.” Damn, does she underestimate my ability to be really stupid. Or, she may say “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out”; ie. even YOU might get this one right. And, one should never ask a “LBG” what she sees when she looks at you while you’re on the bench. “I see a big black blob” does not do anything for ones’ ego. Actually, I love having the “LBG” in my life. She makes me laugh, and buys me lunch when I forget my wallet.

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