I’ve been going on a long string of first dates recently, and I’ve noticed that there are a lot of dating pitfalls for the blind. First of all, the obvious: whenever I tell people I have a date, they ask “Is this a blind date” and snicker. Cause, you know, I’ve never heard that one before, ever.
But if that were all, I’d take it and be grateful. The bigger problems come before the date even starts. Imagine trying to curl your hair blind. Go ahead, blindfold yourself and try. I usually end up throwing the curling iron across the room and screaming “I’m shaving my head, I swear to God!” Then, of course, there’s the makeup application. I’m good at foundation, blush, powder, and lip color. It’s the eyes that get me. There’s the eyeliner–no way am I ever going to get a straight line right by my lashes. It will always be crooked and leave space between my lashes and the eyeliner. Mascara, you ask? It is for to laugh. I usually just put on some dark eyeshadow and hope he doesn’t notice.
Then there’s the beginning of the date. Either the guy picks me up in my parking lot or I meet him wherever we’re having our date. Either way, I’ll be squinting and peering around, trying to recognize my date, and that posture is just so attractive! Gotta love that first impression, a bleary-eyed hunchback. It does accentuate the cleavage, though. Then, since most first dates involve dinner, we reach the adventures in silverware. Fork, knife, spoon, and no depth perception. Fabulous! The napkin is my friend. I usually have to ask for extra napkins, actually, which makes me feel super-smooth. I like this part of the date, though, because I get to sit down. It’s hard, though not impossible, to bump into things while you’re sitting down. My dates always laugh when I tell them that if I’m about to walk into a streetlamp, they shouldn’t assume I’m aware of it. That Chris, she’s so funny! Oh, my God, who knew a head wound could bleed so much?
If any guy who is preparing for a date with me is reading this, please do the following, and I will guarantee a second date: 1. Ask me to wear flats. 2. Warn me when there’s a step up or down. 3. Don’t, for the love of God, take me to an art gallery. For Christ’s sake, I’m blind! 4. Talk to me. I can’t see a thing, but I’m a world-class listener. How often does that come around? Not too much to ask, I think. Oh, and try not to laugh too loudly when I accidentally spill the mushrooms. It’s endearing, right?