Now you’re speaking my language!

Corner Store (film)

Image via Wikipedia

I wasn’t going to post today because I’m a little nervous about how my last post has taken on a life of its own in the comments section and, apparently, real life (read the comments to that post, it’s a weird old world out there), but I just had to post about this.

There’s a convenience store across the street from my apartment and, as I’m inordinately fond of both Red Bull and strawberry soda and have cravings for both at odd hours, the store plays a fairly regular part in my life.  It’s run by a family, not just a bunch of random clerks, and they’ve gotten to know me somewhat over the years.  They like to guess what I’m going to buy each time–is it Fanta?  Is it Doritos?  Why do I not weigh 300 pounds?  Yeah, my doctor would like to know that one as well.

I went in there tonight pretty late, actually expecting that they might be closed at that point, but they were open.  When I went in, two of the family were working and they were having what I’ll describe as an animated discussion–affectionate, but certainly lively.  I don’t know what it was about, exactly, because it was in a different language.  But as I walked in, they switched their argument into English for my benefit!  Now that’s what I call customer service.  You just don’t get that at 7-11.  Well, actually, the clerks at 7-11 know me as well, but that’s a whole different story.

I just can’t swallow this

Mountain DewImage by compujeramey via Flickr

I have a new worst fear.  No matter where you go or what you do, you’ll never be safe from…the dissolved mouse!

From an article in The Atlantic:  Pepsi Co., facing a lawsuit from a man who claims to have found a mouse in his Mountain Dew can, has an especially creative, if disgusting, defense: their soda would have dissolved a dead mouse before the man could have found it. An Illinois man sued Pepsi in 2009 after he claims he “spat out the soda to reveal a dead mouse,” the Madison County Record reports. He claims he sent the mouse to Pepsi, which then “destroyed” the remains after he allowed them to test it, according to his complaint. Most shudder-worthy, however, is that Pepsi’s lawyers also found experts to testify, based on the state of the remains sent to them, that “the mouse would have dissolved in the soda had it been in the can from the time of its bottling until the day the plaintiff drank it,” according to the Record.

A friend of mine posted this on my Facebook wall, knowing my love of Mountain Dew.  Was it out of concern?  Was he teasing?  I’m not sure, but I definitely cringed while I was reading the article.  A mouse!  Drowned in the Mountain Dew!  How disgusting!  But what a way to go.

And is Pepsi seriously countering it by claiming that the mouse would have dissolved?  Imagine drinking a soda without realizing that you were drinking carbonated dissolved rodent.  How’s your drink today, little blind girl?  A little whiskery, thank you.  I smugly contemplated the jury having to listen to that argument as I took a swig of my soda…then stopped, and stared in horror at the bottle in my hands…

Did your soda taste a little off today?  High fructose corn syrup with a hint of rat and a soupçon of gerbil, perhaps?  If I were the plaintiff’s attorney, I would make sure that each member of the jury had a soda with their lunch.  I may never drink Mountain Dew again.  You never hear about this happening with a pint of milk.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to my vomiting.  It’s going to take a while before I stop thinking I can feel something scampering around in my stomach.