I just can’t swallow this

Mountain DewImage by compujeramey via Flickr

I have a new worst fear.  No matter where you go or what you do, you’ll never be safe from…the dissolved mouse!

From an article in The Atlantic:  Pepsi Co., facing a lawsuit from a man who claims to have found a mouse in his Mountain Dew can, has an especially creative, if disgusting, defense: their soda would have dissolved a dead mouse before the man could have found it. An Illinois man sued Pepsi in 2009 after he claims he “spat out the soda to reveal a dead mouse,” the Madison County Record reports. He claims he sent the mouse to Pepsi, which then “destroyed” the remains after he allowed them to test it, according to his complaint. Most shudder-worthy, however, is that Pepsi’s lawyers also found experts to testify, based on the state of the remains sent to them, that “the mouse would have dissolved in the soda had it been in the can from the time of its bottling until the day the plaintiff drank it,” according to the Record.

A friend of mine posted this on my Facebook wall, knowing my love of Mountain Dew.  Was it out of concern?  Was he teasing?  I’m not sure, but I definitely cringed while I was reading the article.  A mouse!  Drowned in the Mountain Dew!  How disgusting!  But what a way to go.

And is Pepsi seriously countering it by claiming that the mouse would have dissolved?  Imagine drinking a soda without realizing that you were drinking carbonated dissolved rodent.  How’s your drink today, little blind girl?  A little whiskery, thank you.  I smugly contemplated the jury having to listen to that argument as I took a swig of my soda…then stopped, and stared in horror at the bottle in my hands…

Did your soda taste a little off today?  High fructose corn syrup with a hint of rat and a soupçon of gerbil, perhaps?  If I were the plaintiff’s attorney, I would make sure that each member of the jury had a soda with their lunch.  I may never drink Mountain Dew again.  You never hear about this happening with a pint of milk.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to my vomiting.  It’s going to take a while before I stop thinking I can feel something scampering around in my stomach.