Tag Archives: insults

Insulting E-Cards By Shakespeare

Because I’ve had five migraines in the past two days and I’m not feeling very nice right now, and also because I love Shakespeare.  Migraines, these e-cards are for you:

1. First migraine, lasted six and a half hours

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2.  Second migraine, woke me up from a dream in which I was a secretary for Johnny Cash, but he would only talk to me in song

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3.  Third migraine, had me seriously considering a DIY icepick lobotomy

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4.  Fourth migraine, I admit, made me its b*tch

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5.  Fifth migraine, took my joy, my dignity, and my will to live, mixed them in a blender with some ice cream and chocolate syrup, and drank them

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I hope you enjoyed the results of my pain!  Hang on, I feel another migraine coming on.  Awesome.  I’m gonna go not compare it to a summer’s day.  Peace out, ye fat guts (Henry IV, Part 1.  Sort of).

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Rude Things I Wanted To Say, As Told By Cute Animals

Whenever I want to say something rude, I get this weird feeling like my grandmother is listening in from heaven, so I chicken out.  But if there’s one thing we’ve all learned from the internet, it’s that cute animals make everything okay, right?  Well, that and a few things about porn that I really wish I didn’t know, but “Rude Things I Wanted To Say, As Told By Porn Stars” would involve a lot of really awkward photo editing and would probably still end up being rude.  So here are the rude things I’ve wanted to say lately, as told by cute animals because that makes it okay:

1.   While in traffic:

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2.  While waiting in line:

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3.  While in the park:

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4.  While on a date:

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5.  While at a stoplight next to a driver who’s playing a song that’s mostly bass:

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6.  While in a meeting:

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7.  While at a family reunion:

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8.  While watching reality television:

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9.  While stuck in a waiting room with The Guy Who Wouldn’t Shut Up:

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10.  While on hold with my phone company for the fifth time:

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Whew, I feel much better now!  I hope this was as cathartic for you as it was for me.  If it wasn’t, I’d tell you what I think about that, but I’m out of cute animal pictures, so you’re just going to have to guess.

[all images are in the public domain and available on pixabay.com; text added by author]

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