I’m a devotee of yoga. I especially like how I can do it indoors with the heat/air conditioning going full blast. Also, no special shoes required. As a matter of fact, no shoes required at all. I’ve attended many classes over the years, but when I first started learning, I used an instructional video of a yoga “class” and played it in my friends’ dorm room as we all stretched and focused our minds in innocent ignorance of what was to come. For, alas, I had chosen a Power Yoga video.
The instructor was a little weird, but I suppose most video yoga instructors are. This one was a guy with long curly hair pulled back into a ponytail and the most ill-advised tank top I’d seen in a while. He liked to start demonstrating a pose, then have his assistants finish showing how to do it while he rested his hand on one of their asses, which would inevitably be shoved up toward the ceiling while their wrists and ankles intertwined in some unfathomable and presumably mystic way. I should add that all the assistants were young, attractive women. Nice work if you can get it.
So my friends and I dutifully settled ourselves on the floor of the tiny dorm room with two beds, two desks, a dresser and a sofa crammed into an area the size of a utility closet. We saluted the sun and felt the spirit of the earth pervade our limbs. And then the serious poses began. “Ow,” I heard muttered quietly somewhere behind me. Then, “OW! (*crack*) Oh, that didn’t sound good.” Then, “Wait, what are we supposed to do? I can’t see the screen while my head is under my knees.” Then, “Ow ow ow, I don’t think I’m supposed to bend that way! Pause the tape, I can’t get my legs off my neck! Crap, I’m gonna fall!” WHUMP.
If you haven’t already guessed, that last one came from me.
The next day, I signed up for proper yoga classes in a spacious gym with an older female instructor wearing a tee shirt and stretch pants. I explained things to her, and she promised solemnly that she would not let me fall, nor would she rest her hand on my backside. If she laughed at my sorrowful tale, she had the grace to wait until I’d gone. But, oh, the bruises I got from that first time!