Yoga in the time of ramen

Yoga Wii

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I’m a devotee of yoga.  I especially like how I can do it indoors with the heat/air conditioning going full blast.  Also, no special shoes required.  As a matter of fact, no shoes required at all.  I’ve attended many classes over the years, but when I first started learning, I used an instructional video of a yoga “class” and played it in my friends’ dorm room as we all stretched and focused our minds in innocent ignorance of what was to come.  For, alas, I had chosen a Power Yoga video.

The instructor was a little weird, but I suppose most video yoga instructors are.  This one was a guy with long curly hair pulled back into a ponytail and the most ill-advised tank top I’d seen in a while.  He liked to start demonstrating a pose, then have his assistants finish showing how to do it while he rested his hand on one of their asses, which would inevitably be shoved up toward the ceiling while their wrists and ankles intertwined in some unfathomable and presumably mystic way.  I should add that all the assistants were young, attractive women.  Nice work if you can get it.

So my friends and I dutifully settled ourselves on the floor of the tiny dorm room with two beds, two desks, a dresser and a sofa crammed into an area the size of a utility closet.  We saluted the sun and felt the spirit of the earth pervade our limbs.  And then the serious poses began.  “Ow,” I heard muttered quietly somewhere behind me.  Then, “OW! (*crack*)  Oh, that didn’t sound good.”  Then, “Wait, what are we supposed to do?  I can’t see the screen while my head is under my knees.”  Then, “Ow ow ow, I don’t think I’m supposed to bend that way!  Pause the tape, I can’t get my legs off my neck!  Crap, I’m gonna fall!”  WHUMP.

If you haven’t already guessed, that last one came from me.

The next day, I signed up for proper yoga classes in a spacious gym with an older female instructor wearing a tee shirt and stretch pants.  I explained things to her, and she promised solemnly that she would not let me fall, nor would she rest her hand on my backside.  If she laughed at my sorrowful tale, she had the grace to wait until I’d gone. But, oh, the bruises I got from that first time!

10 thoughts on “Yoga in the time of ramen

  1. LOL! This so reminds me of the time that my sister got stuck in the lotus position. I can still see her rocking to and fro on her back and screaming for mom. Mom somehow got sister’s legs undone. Such a sight it was! I’m still laughing! Poor sister!


  2. I would never be able to do 95% of the stuff on those yoga tapes. I probably would have to be sent to the hospital if I really exerted myself to try any of those ridiculous pretzel poses.


    • You have to work up to it. I highly recommend live classes rather than instructional videos. I’m surprised I didn’t end up in the hospital! God looks out for fools and children, I suppose, of which I’m still both.


  3. I have never tried yoga. For some reason I believe if I tried such stunts now I would never be able to stand in an upright position again.
    Zumba is fun. And you get to shake your ass while you sweat to Latin music. Now that’s my kind of exercise!


  4. The only time I’ve ever attended a Yoga class was in Big Sur, California. We were all assembled in the breakfast room area of the rustic hotel (did I mention this was a free class, of course, provided by the hotel?) Anyway, we were really getting into it, balanced on one foot with all other limbs outstretched. I was actually able to keep up (by which I mean not fall down). Wouldn’t you know, just when things were humming along nicely and we were all very zen, his beeper-monitor went off and it was BOOM, END OF SESSION. Off he went to fight a forest fire, which is about as un-zen as it gets. Very serious business anywhere, but especially in Big Sur. I never did get back to Yoga.

    Hey! You should have asked me and I would have given you my video “Yoga for the REST of us” – about as far from vigorous as one can get. Although it’s not spelled out, it’s obviously for couch potatoes, newbies, and – shall we say – persons of a certain age (certainly not ME). It’s still in its plastic wrapper ten years later. The road to perdition is paved with good intentions, you know. You can still have it for YOUR golden years. Interested? I’ll just drop it in the mail tomorrow.


    • What are you suggesting?? By the time I reach my golden years, I fully expect us to have gone through at least ten new incarnations of media consumption technology. I do love that it’s still in the wrapping. Maybe it has value as a collector’s item!


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