I can’t look at the headlines anymore; they scare me and make me sad. So I’m making up a news story of my own, front page above the fold:
Adorable Child Plays With Happy Puppies
In a shocking turn of events, young Abigail I’msocute approached a group of rambunctious puppies and quickly become embroiled in uncontrolled frolicking. Ms. I’msocute, 2 years old, was unarmed at the time and appeared unsteady on her feet. The mob of unruly hounds was observed furtively sniffing at her hands and appeared, according to one witness, to be soliciting treats.
The infant’s mother, Mrs. Amelia Lookatme, could only watch the drama unfold as her child romped, giggled, and shrieked in truly blood-curdling fashion, at times covering her face with her hands, then suddenly pulling her hands away in jerky, agitated movements and yelling to the puppies that she could see them. It is unknown whether Ms. Imsocute was later able to identify any of the malefactors for the authorities. Onlookers described them as unusually small, dark, and fuzzy wuzzy.
Lookatme was eventually able to reach I’msocute and separate her from the unrestrained animals. She later commented to the paper, “Those puppies were so adorable, I just wanted to cry.” Both Lookatme and I’msocute appeared to be unharmed, but were clearly affected by the experience. When contacted for a response, the attorney for the puppies declined comment, merely wagging his tail and gazing soulfully at the reporter. More on this harrowing attack of adorability as details become available.
I expect a call from the Pulitzer committee any day now.