Title: "No, No! Not That Way" Location: Library of Congress, Prints and Photographs Division (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
So taxes are due again. There’s a reason death and taxes are so linked, and it’s not just because they’re both so reliable. Though, if you think about it, death only comes around once. But anyway, if you’re like me and you put things off until the absolute last second and then, when the last second pokes its head in the door and says “Hey, I’m here!” you throw a pillow at it and tell it to go away, then you’ll understand me when I complain to you about my deep and abiding hatred of all things tax-related.
I don’t just hate income tax, either. I resent sales tax. I seethe inwardly about restaurant tax. I mean, these things are supposed to go toward…I don’t know…keeping the roads paved and regulating businesses and stuff. I’m cool with the businesses getting regulated, probably because I don’t run a business. But the roads in my area are not particularly well-maintained, which makes me wonder where my money is going and why I’m paying it in the first place. It’s getting to the point where, when I see footage on television of one of those expensive fighter jets, I’ll shake my fist at the set and scream “You’re welcome!” Not really, but inside, you know?
But income taxes hold a special place in my personal hell. All the other kinds of taxes are at least light on paperwork, which is probably why I don’t make more of a fuss about them. Income taxes, though, I have to get all kinds of receipts and forms and statements for, and then I have to calculate my taxes several different ways so I know what kind of deduction I should take, and then I have to calculate them again because it seems like, even though I’ve got the same information to plug in, I get a different result every time. Then I give up and go online to TurboTax or some other program and shell out money so that a computer program can tell me what an idiot I’m being and get all the math right.
Charge calculations 4 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
And while we’re on the subject, does anyone out there understand tax math? It’s not like any other math I’ve ever encountered. It’s worse than trying to figure out who owes what on a shared phone bill. It’s like the rules of math get sucked into some kind of IRS wormhole so they get warped and distorted, and then when they come through the other side, 2+2 suddenly does not equal 4. I don’t understand.
I can face attempted burglary, attempted mugging, drunken groping in bars, crap at work, crap at home, crap randomly around town, and I’m like, whatevs. You’re gonna have to try harder than that. But taxes make me want to crawl into bed and wait until my mommy makes it go away, or maybe does it for me like she used to do with my science projects. She can make an awesome diorama. But, since I doubt the IRS people will accept a diorama in place of my tax return, I’m stuck in Grownupland with everyone else, with a desk full of papers, a bottle of painkillers, and one of those big, clunky calculators they use on TV when they want to show Serious Calculation being done. Is it too late to secede from adulthood?
iliketheworldfuzzy.com 
Does everyone over there have to fill in tax forms every year?? Here in the UK unless you work for yourself you pretty much PAYG ( pay as you go) and tax is automatically taken from your wages and you don’t have to fill in forms. Is it not the same in the USA??
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Not at all. In the USA they take taxes as you’re paid, and then have you pay more at the end of the year. It’s like a gift to the US Treasury that keeps on giving.
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Hmmm I am going off the USA by the minute !!
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Got any room for me in the UK?
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I’m from the UK and I’m self employed – I’ve just finished doing my year end accounts today, so this blog was appropriately timed! It made me smile! I feel your pain 🙂
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Nice to know the pain stretches across the Atlantic Ocean!
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Only in the accounting world (and by extension the tax world) can you take the same set of numbers and come up with sixteen different answers! That’s why the economy is in a sh*thole, nobody knows the math! Let me know if the seceding from adulthood thing works out, I wanna come too!
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I think I’m just going to secede from reality as a whole…
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Silly LBG. That’s why God made accountants.
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Well, I’ve made it through another year without having to use accountants. I guess I’ll just keep on plowing through!
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I have used TurboTax for the last 3 or 4 years and I love it. They just deduct the price out of your return, so I can trick myself in to thinking that I never paid for the service, ya know?
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They’re crafty, those TurboTax people. They get me every time!
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This is why I use a tax accountant. I hate just putting the data together for him, but at least he fights the paperwork … something about a 56 page tax return just makes me want to shudder and go to bed. We really need to simplify the tax law.
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I’m not at all sure there isn’t a conspiracy between the accountants and the legislators to keep the tax code so complicated that the accountants stay employed!
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I hear ya. My blog was on this exact subject last week… and tonight I’ve gotta hit the TurboTax and actually, you know, FINISH the job. :}
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Ah, TurboTax. It holds us all in its pitiless grasp!
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I used an accountant. ‘Spensive but I’ve been to her since I went long form and that was many moons ago. I thireaten myself to get Turbo Tax but somehow, the comfort level of the preparer puts me at ease. Besides, I don’t want to do the work! I went to church with my parents this morning, a rareity; me going and the sermon was all about numbers and life and such things… well done sermon I suppose but I resented the “theme” sermon just because it was April 15th.
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A theme sermon on taxes? Wow. If I preached that sermon, it would be along the lines of how the revenuers are going to have a hard time explaining themselves to St. Peter…
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RE: A theme sermon on taxes? Too Funny!!!
It was all about numbers and algorithms and how we forget to to reach out to people because we’re always on twitter et. al. It wasn’t exactly about Tax day but the minister or pastor – or whatever they call themselves these days, said she was inspired to do something regarding tax day; at least indirectly.
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Reblogged this on sawanrants and commented:
Add your thoughts here… (optional)
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Thanks for the reblog! It gave me some perspective, to see my blog next to one about the Kimathi house fire. Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining so much?
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You’re welcome… and never stop complaining. If you do, the world will never improve… and you would have fewer blogs! Really enjoy reading your work though.
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A “flat tax”, form on the size of a post card, would be so great! Knowing the Glorious Government, we’d end up with thousands of post cards to fill oout. They’d have to do away with all of the layers of taxation, to make me really happy! Never going to happen. Infuriating how the Government thinks of our money as theirs!
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True, every word. I so enjoy giving an interest-free loan to the Government every year in the form of withheld taxes. We should start charging interest!
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My computer is like the Government! Isn’t working worth a fig today. Sorry about the type-o’s!
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That happens with my phone. My friends get retarded texts from me all the time. LOL 🙂
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This is why I use an abacus. And smoke signals.
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Congrats, you made me laugh out loud again!!! My mom does a great diorama too! hahahaha!!!!
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Glad I made you laugh! Yeah, I miss those days when my mom did everything. Clean laundry magically appeared in my drawers, dishes somehow washed themselves, food showed up in the refrigerator…being a grown-up sucks!
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Well, the world awaits; did THE LBG get her tax return filed in time?
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She did! Huh. Who knew the world followed my blog?
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Love your blog and wanted to show that love by passing-along the nomination for The Sunshine Award. For details you may want to refer back to my recent post Smarter Than a 6th Grader. -Nikki
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Thanks so much! I’m a particular fan of sunshine, and of course it’s always awesome and a little bit puzzling when someone nominates me for an award. I enjoyed your post!
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