Taxes or death? I don’t know, it’s a close call

Title: "No, No! Not That Way" Locati...

Title: "No, No! Not That Way" Location: Library of Congress, Prints and Photographs Division (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So taxes are due again.  There’s a reason death and taxes are so linked, and it’s not just because they’re both so reliable.  Though, if you think about it, death only comes around once.  But anyway, if you’re like me and you put things off until the absolute last second and then, when the last second pokes its head in the door and says “Hey, I’m here!” you throw a pillow at it and tell it to go away, then you’ll understand me when I complain to you about my deep and abiding hatred of all things tax-related.

I don’t just hate income tax, either.  I resent sales tax.  I seethe inwardly about restaurant tax.  I mean, these things are supposed to go toward…I don’t know…keeping the roads paved and regulating businesses and stuff.  I’m cool with the businesses getting regulated, probably because I don’t run a business.  But the roads in my area are not particularly well-maintained, which makes me wonder where my money is going and why I’m paying it in the first place.  It’s getting to the point where, when I see footage on television of one of those expensive fighter jets, I’ll shake my fist at the set and scream “You’re welcome!”  Not really, but inside, you know?

But income taxes hold a special place in my personal hell.  All the other kinds of taxes are at least light on paperwork, which is probably why I don’t make more of a fuss about them.  Income taxes, though, I have to get all kinds of receipts and forms and statements for, and then I have to calculate my taxes several different ways so I know what kind of deduction I should take, and then I have to calculate them again because it seems like, even though I’ve got the same information to plug in, I get a different result every time.  Then I give up and go online to TurboTax or some other program and shell out money so that a computer program can tell me what an idiot I’m being and get all the math right.

Charge calculations 4

Charge calculations 4 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And while we’re on the subject, does anyone out there understand tax math?  It’s not like any other math I’ve ever encountered.  It’s worse than trying to figure out who owes what on a shared phone bill.  It’s like the rules of math get sucked into some kind of IRS wormhole so they get warped and distorted, and then when they come through the other side, 2+2 suddenly does not equal 4.  I don’t understand.

I can face attempted burglary, attempted mugging, drunken groping in bars, crap at work, crap at home, crap randomly around town, and I’m like, whatevs.  You’re gonna have to try harder than that.  But taxes make me want to crawl into bed and wait until my mommy makes it go away, or maybe does it for me like she used to do with my science projects.  She can make an awesome diorama.  But, since I doubt the IRS people will accept a diorama in place of my tax return, I’m stuck in Grownupland with everyone else, with a desk full of papers, a bottle of painkillers, and one of those big, clunky calculators they use on TV when they want to show Serious Calculation being done.  Is it too late to secede from adulthood?

33 thoughts on “Taxes or death? I don’t know, it’s a close call

  1. Does everyone over there have to fill in tax forms every year?? Here in the UK unless you work for yourself you pretty much PAYG ( pay as you go) and tax is automatically taken from your wages and you don’t have to fill in forms. Is it not the same in the USA??

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  2. Only in the accounting world (and by extension the tax world) can you take the same set of numbers and come up with sixteen different answers! That’s why the economy is in a sh*thole, nobody knows the math! Let me know if the seceding from adulthood thing works out, I wanna come too!

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  3. I have used TurboTax for the last 3 or 4 years and I love it. They just deduct the price out of your return, so I can trick myself in to thinking that I never paid for the service, ya know?

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  4. This is why I use a tax accountant. I hate just putting the data together for him, but at least he fights the paperwork … something about a 56 page tax return just makes me want to shudder and go to bed. We really need to simplify the tax law.

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  5. I used an accountant. ‘Spensive but I’ve been to her since I went long form and that was many moons ago. I thireaten myself to get Turbo Tax but somehow, the comfort level of the preparer puts me at ease. Besides, I don’t want to do the work! I went to church with my parents this morning, a rareity; me going and the sermon was all about numbers and life and such things… well done sermon I suppose but I resented the “theme” sermon just because it was April 15th.

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      • RE: A theme sermon on taxes? Too Funny!!!
        It was all about numbers and algorithms and how we forget to to reach out to people because we’re always on twitter et. al. It wasn’t exactly about Tax day but the minister or pastor – or whatever they call themselves these days, said she was inspired to do something regarding tax day; at least indirectly.

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  6. A “flat tax”, form on the size of a post card, would be so great! Knowing the Glorious Government, we’d end up with thousands of post cards to fill oout. They’d have to do away with all of the layers of taxation, to make me really happy! Never going to happen. Infuriating how the Government thinks of our money as theirs!

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    • Glad I made you laugh! Yeah, I miss those days when my mom did everything. Clean laundry magically appeared in my drawers, dishes somehow washed themselves, food showed up in the refrigerator…being a grown-up sucks!

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  7. Love your blog and wanted to show that love by passing-along the nomination for The Sunshine Award. For details you may want to refer back to my recent post Smarter Than a 6th Grader. -Nikki

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