Why I would make a good spy

Spy vs. Spy

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It’s always good to have a backup career, just in case, and I think that if I weren’t doing what I’m doing, I’d make a good spy.  For all the government types trolling the blogs, looking for hints or clues or chatter or whatever technical term you’re using these days, here’s why:

1.  I have my own trenchcoat.  From the extensive research I’ve done, by which I mean all the movies and television shows I’ve watched, this appears to be essential.  We’re in cost-cutting mode, of course, and I think it says something about my dedication that I’ve already invested in this crucial piece of equipment.  I’m always looking to help out with the federal deficit.

2.  I wear sunglasses all the time already, even indoors.  No one thinks twice about a blind girl wearing sunglasses; she’s supposed to.  It would be weird if she didn’t.  I suppose the sunglasses on spies are supposed to mask where their eyes are looking, or make sure the glare from the sun or the artificial lights doesn’t interfere with vision, so hey, I’ve already got that covered.  Man, it’s like I’m a spy already!

3.  My seeing eye dog could be trained for super-secret spy stuff.  I don’t actually have a seeing eye dog, but I’m eligible for one, and I could train mine to sniff out drugs and bombs and maybe to alert me to the presence of surveillance technology.  Dogs get trained to do all sorts of things these days.  Do you think it would be too much if I named the dog Q?  What about 99?

4.  I can run flat out in four inch stiletto heels.  I’ve learned this not only on my long string of first dates, but also from constantly running late while on the job.  I can run surprisingly quickly while in heels and carrying an armful of books, files, and papers.  Imagine what I could do in a sexy dress with a gun.  Go on, imagine it!

5.  I have super awesome hearing.  I can’t see a darn thing, but I can be sitting at a table halfway across a crowded cafe and eavesdrop on a conversation in lowered voices without anyone realizing I’m doing it.  I’ve already put this to the test in a few casual situations, with the result that I’ve learned that it’s honestly best not to know most of the time.  But hey, for the good of the country, I’m willing to suffer through.

I’d make the most awesome spy.  Federal agencies, you are On Notice.  I expect the men in black to show up any day now, offer in hand.  Of course, since I will have heard them coming, I’ll sneak up behind them in my trenchcoat and sunglasses, with my superdog and my four inch heels, and murmur, “Looking for someone?”  At which point they will jump five feet in the air, panic, and shoot me immediately.  Oh, well.  Maybe sneaking up on secret agents isn’t the best idea.  I guess I’ll just open the door.

8 thoughts on “Why I would make a good spy

  1. I may or may be from the government, which may or may not want to know what your wig selection is like before taking or not taking a decision on whether to hire you. Message to all others: ignore this comment.

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    • Good heavens! My wig selection, eh? Without giving away too many secrets, I’ll just say that my wig selection is varied and selected for maximum adaptability. After all, one never knows when there will be the need to be blonde in the morning, brunette in the evening, and pink for a night in the clubs…or on the rooftops…but I mustn’t reveal any more…

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  2. Oh, my! I smell a corporation of spies–all blind! Sign me up! I have the wig, the glasses, the “stick” and can blend in with the best of them! I WANT A DOG!! I qualify! Of, course, he/she would be the star of the corp! No heels for me though! I’ll be the Grandma in tennie runners!
    Barbara

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    • We’d make an unstoppable team! The Blind Babes, saviors of the western world. What color will their hair be today? I hear their dogs can detect terrorists just from smell! The baddies stand no chance.

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