I don’t really do product reviews on this blog, but it seems like everybody else does, which makes me feel like I’m missing out. So I’m starting a new feature: LBG’s Honest Reviews. I promise that, whatever I’m reviewing, I will give you my completely unbiased opinion, no matter how many people try to stop me. I will also make sure I thoroughly try out what I’m reviewing, so I can tell you all about it and you’ll be able to trust my conclusions, or at least understand them. With that in mind, I thought I would make my first review about something I’ve examined from every angle, something I’ve used multiple times and in multiple ways, something I can truly say I gave my all: my ex-boyfriend.
I realize that there are tons of different ex-boyfriend models out there, with newer ones coming on the market every year, and not every model will have the same features mine has. For instance, not everyone will want the cries-when-drunk version, or the optional incipient beer gut, and of course the POS-car attachment can get pretty expensive. But for those who are tired of constantly upgrading and are ready to make a commitment, here is my honest review of my ex-boyfriend.
My ex-boyfriend comes with attractive packaging and initially presents as very appealing. He has an excellent marketing campaign aimed at the slightly-inebriated thirty-something female: his introductory approach emphasizes his southern charm, complete with cowboy boots, accent, and pulling the chair out for his date (which I have to admit was completely adorable) and obscures his less appealing qualities with copious amounts of alcohol. It’s certainly an approach that’s been taken before, but the polish and professionalism that come with experience set my ex-boyfriend apart from the frat boy crowd.
Once you have my ex-boyfriend back in your home and you’ve taken off the wrapper, you’ll find that he comes with several notable upgrades from the standard model. The one that’s proven the most popular is that he comes with his own guitar, which he can actually play quite well. Upon further exploration, his repertoire is mainly limited to country music and mullet rock, but his acoustic version of Warrant’s classic “Cherry Pie” will surprise you with its wistful acknowledgment of the fragility of innocence. Other pre-programmed features include: the ability to perform eerily good imitations of all the main cast members of Game of Thrones; an extensive familiarity with every film in the Saw franchise; and, for some reason, clogging.
My ex-boyfriend also comes with a self-cleaning feature that is among the most elaborate currently on the market: he will spend hours in the bathroom with a hand mirror, three different kinds of razors and special beard scissors trying to achieve the perfect beard-to-mustache ratio. He will then spend three minutes cutting his hair. He does require a special cleaning formula to keep his designer vintage-look jeans in pristine condition, but while the purchase and storage of a specialty cleaning product can be a nuisance, the actual cleaning requires no effort on your part as he does not trust anyone else to wash his denim, performing the entire task himself by hand. Note to potential consumers: please be ready to sacrifice all other use of your clothes drying rack for up to two days at a time, as my ex-boyfriend will begin to glitch if you suggest anything like, I don’t know, using the dryer.
Those of you with slow internet connections may want to consider a different model, as my ex-boyfriend takes up an astonishing amount of bandwidth while interfacing with such programs as Fortnite, Overwatch, and something involving Tom Clancy, who I honestly didn’t even realize did anything other than books. While my ex-boyfriend is engaged with these programs, you will be unable to do anything requiring an internet connection, the ability to concentrate without someone shouting “SUCK IT!!!” every few minutes, or crossing the living room. I recommend using the time during his pre-gaming ritual to download the kind of movie he refuses to watch with you (for instance: anything starring Melissa McCarthy) and then retiring to the kitchen with your laptop and a pair of headphones.
Other things to consider when my ex-boyfriend sits down next to you in a bar include: he often makes an extremely unpleasant buzzing sound while recharging at night. It seems to come from his nasal area and resembles a kind of erratic, intermittent jack hammering, or possibly an exceptionally winded Darth Vader. It can be temporarily alleviated with a flailing slap on his upper arm, but it will almost inevitably start up again within ten minutes. There does not appear to be an update or patch in the works to remedy this minor but disproportionately annoying design flaw, probably because he will never actually admit it happens (he will also never admit that komodo dragons are real, no matter how many pictures, Wikipedia entries, or actual komodo dragons you show him, but he believes every word of The Da Vinci Code. Make of that what you will).
In addition, although initially providing a very satisfying user experience, his performance quality degraded rapidly after a few months. He would often fail to perform tasks he deemed “stupid” until the third or fourth request, and he developed a tendency to wipe his memory after he put something down, rendering him incapable of picking it back up and putting it away again. It’s also worth noting that his attractive packaging conceals some frankly below-average hardware and that certain basic boyfriend functions become unavailable after the consumption of alcohol. Also, it turns out he was sexting his ex-girlfriend the entire time we were together, so f*ck him.
Overall, I’m afraid I can’t recommend my ex-boyfriend. While his design is stylistically and aesthetically pleasing, his performance is unsatisfactory and his habit of going into sleep mode at unscheduled intervals can be extremely inconvenient. His failure to deliver on his initial promises cannot be offset by claims of future upgrades involving “hitting the gym extra hard” and “just focusing on my baby girl and making sure she’s happy.” In such a crowded market, we can and should demand more. Especially if he’s still sexting his ex-girlfriend. F*ck him. Actually, you know what? Don’t.
[Disclaimer: I did not receive any payment or other compensation for this review, and while I did technically receive my ex-boyfriend for free, overall he ended up costing me quite a bit of money, especially since he never paid me back for that wedding present we were supposed to go halfsies on and that was for his friends who I barely knew anyway. There really ought to be a “My ex stiffed me on a joint wedding present” deduction for tax returns.]