Famous Paintings Discuss Current Events: Super Tuesday

As regular readers of the blog will know, several famous paintings have been known to come on the blog and provide commentary on current events.  The paintings have been muttering restively about the Republican primaries, so I thought I’d let them out of the box leading into Super Tuesday.

A quick rundown of the facts, since  talking artwork isn’t usually big on spouting statistics:  while not quite so super a Tuesday as it used to be, there are still 419 delegates at stake tomorrow, with 1144 needed to clinch the nomination.  Mitt Romney currently has a healthy lead over Rick Santorum, and everyone else trails woefully far behind–but a sweep on Super Tuesday could put anyone back in the mix, so it’s still fun and games, even if I doubt anyone will lose an eye.

Now, without further ado, Famous Paintings discuss Super Tuesday:

Mona Lisa:  They just don’t make Super Tuesdays like they used to.  Come to think of it, they don’t really make presidential candidates like they used to.  Ah, that William Jennings Bryan, there was a man who could give a speech!



The Scream:  I know, and now they expect us to get excited about Mitt Romney?  “Ooh, Mitt Romney can fix our economy!  Ooh, Mitt Romney’s a businessman, he’ll clean things up!  Yeah, he’ll clean up all right.  How much is he worth now?



Whistler’s Mother:  I like that Newt Gingrich fellow.  He’s a firebrand.  He’ll shake things up.  And what a nice young man, so protective of his mother.



The Scream:  You know he’s on his third wife and proposed an open marriage with his second wife, right?




Whistler’s Mother:  Well, dear, I’ve had an arrangement with Van Gogh’s self-portrait for several decades now.  People have urges.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of.



The Scream:  Oh, God.  Oh, God.  That bastard.  I can’t take the mental image.  I feel like I need to yell, or shriek, or just…somehow…make noise….




Girl With A Pearl Earring:  I like Rick Santorum.  I know he’s not the sexiest candidate, but he just seems so dependable and sensible.  And he’s right, not everyone needs to go to college to have a rewarding and fulfilling life.



Old Guitarist:  You realize he’s a lawyer with an MBA, right?  He actually has more advanced degrees than Barack Obama has!  And he may be from a steel town, but I doubt he got any closer to blue-collar work than walking past construction sites on his way to work as a lobbyist.



Mona Lisa:  Does anyone else miss Ronald Reagan?  I mean, I know he drove us into an unprecedented deficit situation, but when you saw him onscreen, you really believed he was the President.  The man had presence.



American Gothic:  We’re just going to wait until we’re told who the candidate is for the Anyone But Obama party and vote for that one.  Super Tuesday, as far as we’re concerned, is just known as That Annoying Day With No Good Television.  Talk to us again in November.



Boy, that Old Guitarist is quite the liberal, isn’t he?  And who knew that Mona Lisa was a Reagan supporter?  And that Van Gogh’s Self Portrait, always causing problems.  As always, the views expressed are those of the portraits themselves, and not of the blog in general.  Happy voting!

This is Republican Idol!

It was performance day here at Republican Idol, and all the contestants were nervous. Even Mitt Romney appeared to be sporting a light sheen of sweat, though his maintenance crew later claimed that it was condensation due to a malfunctioning cooling duct.  It’s been a long struggle for these hopefuls, with a grueling tour schedule that has had them onstage in cities from Florida to California.  Despite singing essentially the same songs in every performance, each contestant has had setbacks and each contestant has a story to tell, except for Rick Perry, who can’t remember his story.  But it all comes down to how they connect with the voting audience.

First up was Newt Gingrich.  Widely derided in the beginning as past his prime, Newt has modernized his repertoire and gone from Golden Oldie to Golden Child.  Now seen as a frontrunner, Newt belted out his popular hit, “Hey!  I’m Not Mitt!” to cheers and applause, many audience members joining in.  In a rare display of party unity, Rick Santorum and Gary Johnson were seen with their arms around each other, swaying to the beat and singing along.  Santorum later released a statement to the press clarifying that he was, in fact, extremely heterosexual and that he was merely caught up in the moment, a little curious, and that it meant nothing, nothing at all.  Gary Johnson posted a reply on YouTube indicating that his next-door neighbor’s dog was more heterosexual than Santorum.

Next up was Michele Bachmann.  She put a conservative twist on the Howard Dean classic, “I Swear I’m Not A Crazy Nutjob,” beginning with a quiet ramble and building to a final, climactic scream that brought the live audience to its feet but had the judges rolling their eyes, and left many viewers at home wondering if her handlers were hiding her medication.  She remains a strong contender and a media favorite, but will her followers find her entertaining enough to send her to the finals?

The night ended with embattled favorite Herman Cain, who turned in a raucous rendition of his popular “I Said 9! 9! 9!”  The audience joined in and, though many got the details of the words wrong when it came to the verses, they all came together to shout “9! 9! 9!” on the chorus.  Critics have speculated as to the ultimate meaning of the song, which remains unclear and has therefore generated a great deal of buzz.  Even buzzier are the allegations of improprieties with female fans after performances.  However, an investigator looking into the allegations was heard to comment that it was the only way the poor man was likely to see any action, and to have a heart.

Votes will be cast, dreams will be dashed, and one of the contestants will go on to the final show for a chance at a four-year contract and a whole new life.  Who will it be?  Only time will tell, but one thing is certain:  we’re in for many, many more performances before we finally choose a winner.