During movie night a while ago, a new friend was invited to join our sacred circle. Movie night for us involves finding the most cliched, predictable movies available and watching them while yelling insults, throwing things at the screen, drinking boxed wine, and eating horrifically unhealthy snacks. We don’t invite just anyone to join us while we do this. We make sure they have really good aim first. Then we make them buy the wine.
So we’re getting ready for movie night. We picked a werewolf movie, one of those where the werewolf is the love interest and there’s some sort of vague but agonizing destiny the lovers must overcome. We give bonus points to the movies if they contain gratuitous violence, so we had high hopes for this one. We like to take bets on how the movie is going to end before it even starts; winner picks the next movie. But the really important part about movie night is the snacks.
We’d been having movie night pretty regularly for a while, so we were operating at pro level. New Girl sat on the couch while the rest of us got the snacks ready. The key to enjoying movie night properly is to start out with decent wine. Then, when the spices have deadened your taste buds and the alcohol starts making its way into your system, switch to boxed wine. At that point, you won’t be able to tell the difference, and it’s much cheaper. Obviously, though, you have to choose spicy snacks to make this work properly. So my friends and I are taking out our supplies and putting together our snacks, all talking with each other and not really paying attention because we’ve done this so often. It went a little something like this:
Little Blind Girl: (Pulls out Nacho Cheesier Doritos bags) I predict that Werewolf Girl will have some sort of clan-approved Werewolf Mate that she’ll have to kill in order to be with Human Hottie.
Friend 1: (Heats up Texas Chili, Extra Hot, adding picante sauce) No, Werewolf Girl will be trying to deny her nature to be with Sanctimonious Loverboy, then she’ll go all wolfy and embrace her true destiny and kill the love interest.
Friend 2: (Adds Taco Seasoning to Texas Chili, Extra Hot; stirs) Yeah, and then she’ll be all consumed with remorse and fight her Wolf King brother, who’s been egging her on. She kills him and lopes off into the distance to be alone with her broken heart.
Friend 3: (Heats up storebought Nacho Dip, stirs in chunks of cheddar) No, she’ll bite Human Hottie and turn him into a werewolf. Then he goes all feral and kills her best friend, and then she has to kill him. Then she lopes off into the distance to be alone with her broken heart.
LBG: (adds chili-taco mix to Doritos bags, shakes enthusiastically, pours into large bowl) No, you’ve got to have the love triangle. Werewolf Mate tries to kill Human Hottie to try to get with Wolf Girl, then she kills Werewolf Mate in front of Human Hottie, who gets all traumatized and can’t look at her. Then she lopes off into the distance to be alone with her broken heart.
Friend 1: (pours cheese mixture over Chili Taco Doritos mix in bowl) Then Human Hottie finds her and convinces her that she can overcome her wolfy instincts and they can be together, and then they have a really awkwardly posed kiss and live happily ever after.
Friend 2: (dumps 2 tubs of sour cream over Cheese Chili Taco Dorito mix) You’re such a hopeless romantic! No. They have a really awkwardly posed kiss and then, as the screen fades to black, you hear a bunch of wolves starting to howl all around them.
Friend 3: (empties enormous tub of extra-spicy salsa over hot mess in bowl) No, no, no! After Wolf Girl lopes off into the distance to be alone with her broken heart, Human Hottie tries to follow her, despite being grievously wounded from his fight with Werewolf Mate. Just as he catches a glimpse of her and she looks at him, the moon comes out from behind the clouds and they realize they’re surrounded by the rest of the wolf clan. Cut to credits.
Friend 4: (scatters whole hot peppers throughout bowl, mixes up the hot mess, and reaches for the freaky hot green sauce) You know, maybe we should ask New Girl if she wants freaky hot green sauce on her Chili Taco Dorito Nachos. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea.
(We all look over at New Girl, who is staring in bewildered, uncomprehending horror at the Gigantic Bowl of Hot Mess on the kitchen table)
New Girl: Um, no, that’s okay, I think I’m just going to eat some fruit.
(Bewildered, uncomprehending horror from group of friends, which we cleverly cover with a change of topic)
LBG: So, New Girl, how do you think the movie will end?
New Girl: I think Wolf Girl and Human Hottie will have a movie night, eat Chili Taco Dorito Nachos, and immediately have fatal heart attacks.
LBG: I don’t remember seeing that in any of the promos.
Friend 1: Isn’t there a story where the heroine chokes on an apple?
Friend 2: That’s Snow White. No werewolves.
Friend 1: My point still stands.
Friend 3: What point would that be?
Friend 1: Never trust fruit. That stuff will kill you.
Turns out, movie night isn’t for everyone. But, you know, that just means more Chili Taco Dorito Nachos for the rest of us. I don’t remember how the movie ended or who won that particular round, which is usually the sign of a successful movie night. New Girl got over her horror and tried the nachos. I think I even had a slice of apple. But you don’t want to go overboard with that kind of thing. Aren’t apples what got us kicked out of the Garden of Eden in the first place?