Psychologically, I think I’m a guy. I’ll pick a movie with things that blow up in every other scene over one with a cute kid in glasses every time. I think I don’t need to go to the hospital if it stops bleeding in under twenty minutes. Hugging makes me extremely uncomfortable and forces me to retreat into back-patting and well-I’ve-got-to-be-going comments. The last time I made a dirty joke, my guy friends blushed. And I think the “Hurt Feelings” report is hilarious. You’ve all heard about the high school football coach who resigned after it came out that he made his players fill one out? Yep, that’s what I’m talking about.
That’s right; if you come to me upset because someone hurt your delicate little feelings, I will make merciless fun of you until your mommy tries to call my mommy because her little precious came home in tears. Actually, I’ll probably do that just if I catch you listening to top-twenties radio. I don’t hold hands, I don’t sing kumbaya (or Miley Cyrus), and I don’t care if what I said brings up those abandonment issues you have from when Daddy left home. Suck it up. Do you need a tampon? I can give you a tampon if you need one, but that’s as much as you’re getting out of me. Sorry, Gloria; it’s a cold, cruel world and I’ve got better things to do.
Am I a bad feminist for this? I just don’t like criers. I don’t like it when people use psychological or emotional issues as excuses not to do things they really can do if they would just…well, man up. When I get my feelings hurt, I either a) bottle it up and numb it later with alcohol or b, which is much more fun) start yelling. I favor the yelling approach. Feel free to yell at me if it means we don’t end up hugging it out. Just be aware that I’m going to give as good as I get–yelling it out, if you will.
But if you use one of those Hurt Feelings forms that includes derogatory terms for homosexuals, you’d better not let me find it. And, you know, I get the idea that the people who put together those versions of the report (and yes, I just checked, that football coach is one of them) are just the kind of people who are going to need to fill it out once I’m done with them. I’m just not sure I have that many tampons.
Interestingly, that guy is still employed at the school as a guidance counselor. Yeah, cause when my parents are getting divorced or my grandfather is molesting me, or I just don’t know what I want to do with my life, that’s totally the guy I’m gonna want to go to.
6 thoughts on “Oh, I’m gonna hurt some feelings, all right”
Very, very funny post! Hadn’t seen that form…
Okay, so I’m sensing a pattern here. I will have to watch three things: a) my long phone conversations to you; 2) my whiny complaints; and 3) ….I can’t remember the third one……..Ooops. Was it Commerce Department? Or maybe we’re talking about Libya? Whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll remember it after this PAUSE. Remember, it’s only a PAUSE, People! I do in fact remember my political cost-cutting strategy and I do in fact understand what the issue was in Libya. Oh yes, the third thing is: I’ve gotta stop buying you Christmas presents.
Ha! That’s hilarious! Especially the part about not buying me Christmas presents! Right? Right?
No more Christmas presents! Now, I didn’t say anything about Birthday Presents, Valentine’s presents, Easter presents, 4th of July presents, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Arbor Day, Labor Day, and Memorial Day presents.
I love that Hurt Feelings Report! I think I will make a hard copy to keep around the house for family and visitors alike.
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