Things I will never do, so stop asking

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There are many situations in which I get asked if I’ll do something that I would never in a million years do.  This happens slightly less often since I graduated from school, but it still comes up a little more frequently than I’m really comfortable with.  It only takes one drunk friend on Facebook, you know?  Plus, now that I’ve started a blog, I get random requests from people I don’t know but who think they know me because they read the blog.

 

So here’s a list of some of the more frequent and/or bizarre requests that I will never, ever do, so stop asking.  Please.

1.  The cinnamon challenge

This is where people attempt to swallow a tablespoon of cinnamon in under a minute without drinking anything and without vomiting or inhaling the powder.  Apparently, this totally sucks, although I really think I could have figured that out on my own when part of the challenge involves not vomiting.  Schools are banning kids from sneaking in cinnamon to do this during school hours, and at least one principal has been suspended for not cracking down on this growing menace.  Cinnamon as contraband?  Well, whatever, I guess.  But no, I’m not taking the cinnamon challenge.  Stop asking.  As a consolation, here’s Jenna Marbles, one of my favorite vloggers, taking the cinnamon challenge dressed as Drake.  Awesome.

 

2.  Eat my broccoli

Broccoli

Broccoli (Photo credit: Cookthinker)

I’m a grown woman, living on my own, and I don’t wanna eat my broccoli.  You can’t make me.  No you can’t.  No you can’t.  No you can’t.  No no no no no!  I don’t like the way it tastes, I don’t like the way it smells, and I don’t want to eat it.  You know what?  Broccoli’s going in the trash!  Oh, no, is that the sound of a green vegetable hitting the bottom of the trashcan?  Yes, I believe it is.  Broccoli’s gone.  Never gonna eat it.  Stop asking.  On with the ice cream!

3.  Make a sex tape

Never gonna happen.  Stop asking.

4.  Drink tequila.

tequila

tequila (Photo credit: doviende)

That stuff’s nasty.  And there are worms, and if there are worms anywhere near any beverage, I’m not drinking it.  I’m not exactly one for little frou-frou girly drinks, but tequila is seriously icky.  I think people keep drinking it because they don’t remember in the morning how nasty it is.  They just wonder why they have their underwear around their necks.  In my experience, there are much more pleasant ways to end up with underwear around your neck–although when tequila is involved, it’s probably just as well to black out.  So, no, I don’t want a shot of tequila.  Not the cheap stuff, not the expensive stuff, not even if there’s no worm.  Stop asking, and bring me a beer.

 

5.  Learn to cook

I’ve tried.  I have cookbooks and I’ve watched cooking shows and I’ve planned romantic home cooked meals for current honeys.  But, dude, I’m blind.  As a result of my attempts at cooking, I’ve got scars all up and down my arms, nearly chopped off a finger, and ended up in the emergency room more than once.  I also set off the smoke alarms about a third of the time, and whenever I try to chop onions I have to lie down for twenty minutes with a damp cloth over my eyes.  Take out rocks.  Delivery rocks even harder.  I can order chinese food like a mofo.  Little Kung Pao Girl, that’s me.  I tried to learn to cook, and I failed.  Stop asking, or my health insurance company is going to drop me.

So there it is.  Five things I Absolutely Will Not Do.  Unless Johnny Depp asks me, and even then, he’d have to be dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow.  So stop asking.  Unless you’re Johnny Depp dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow.  Are you?

Captain Jack Sparrow

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16 thoughts on “Things I will never do, so stop asking”

    • It seems to have become a phenomenon, to the point where children are wearing special shoes that allow them to sneak cinnamon into their schools. Picture it: an unused corridor, fluorescent lights flickering, two teenagers glancing around furtively…and one hands over a wad of creased bills while the other shoves some McCormick’s into his hand! Lord. I don’t know how I ever survived high school.

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  4. Haha, oh my god. I’ve been watching the cinnamon challenge videos lately and I have to say those have been the funniest things I’ve seen in a while. My ribs still hurt from laughing and this was a few days ago.

    As for number 3. Haha, why would someone ask you that?! That’s terribl…ly funny!

    I can totally understand cooking though, I’m sure no one can order chinese up to the skill level of a mofo as you though! However, you should eat your broccoli. S’good for you! 😛

    Haha, thanks for stopping by, by the way! Had my Spring Break, and just had to get away from everything for a bit. The weather was super nice outside!!! But now that school’s about to start and I’m about to have homework again…you know what that means 😛

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    • Ah, Spring Break, I remember it well. Actually, my second to last spring break I barely remember at all, but that’s the sign of a good spring break. No! No broccoli! Don’t wanna! I look forward to reading your further blog posts that you publish when you should be doing your homework. Welcome back!

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  5. I am sad you do not like tequila. Margaritas are my fav alcoholic beverage. In fact I am drinking one as I type…without my underwear around my head! Alas…without you drinking my choice of liquor, more for me!

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  6. Love your 5 choices–funny! Love the Margaritas too! I’d have to add one other “Don’t ask!” though: Quit asking me to “smell this”!! Why do people ask me to smell something rotten? Can’t they tell it’s disgusting? Want a second opinion? STOP asking me! “Blind” doesn’t mean I can smell better!

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    • Oh, seriously! It always seems to be milk, too, or leftovers that have been kept way too long. I don’t need to be smelling that. I’m not an ambulatory olfactory analyst, I’m just a Little Blind Girl.

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So what do you think?