Image via Wikipedia
My mother controls the weather. Not in a mad-scientist-underground-laboratory-with-hunchbacked-assistant kind of way, and not even in a Gaia-Demeter-Mother-Earth kind of way. No, my Sainted Mother is simply a magnet for natural disasters. If she boards a flight, a thunderstorm will form unexpectedly around the plane. If she visits a foreign country, a tsunami will overwhelm the hotel she was staying at about a week after she leaves. After she retired and started spending more time at home, she caused an earthquake, a tornado, and a hurricane all within a one week period. I’m not kidding or exaggerating about any of this.
She’s currently in Hawaii. The last time she went there, she caused torrential rain and mudslides, and I think that was the time that the plane behind hers got struck by lightning and had to make an emergency landing. So it was no surprise to me to get a call from her informing me that she wasn’t sure she was going to be able to make the next leg of her journey because weather conditions had gotten so bad out there that the governor had declared her island a disaster area! Her power is only getting more potent with time.
Image via Wikipedia
My Sainted Mother likes to send her daughters the itinerary of her trips before she goes so that we’ll be able to get in touch with her at every stage of the journey. I’ve explained the concept of cell phones to her, but what can you do. I’ve come to value these itineraries, though, as a sort of warning for what places to avoid and when. I’m thinking of posting them on this blog as a public service, so that the areas she’s traveling to can take proper precautions and lay in supplies. Sainted Mother, I beg of you, use your powers for good! Until then, if you see black helicopters circling overhead as you take your next cruise, you have only yourself to blame. Also, for anyone traveling with my mother, remember to pack your umbrella. And your first aid kit. And an inflatable life vest. Just in case.
iliketheworldfuzzy.com 
Bonus points for the use of obscure goddesses.
LikeLike
I’m nothing if not arcane.
LikeLike
The fact that your mother has survived means she is probably THE safest person to travel with.. it’s those that follow her that should worry! !
You should definitely post the travel itineries..
LikeLike
That’s true! She’s the eye of the storm. All around her is chaos and despair, but she herself is calm and serene. Well, actually, she’s usually falling out of her chair laughing…
LikeLike
You forgot that the last time Mom went to Hawaii, there was an earthquake. Seriously, WTF? Talk about bad luck.
LikeLike
There’s no bad luck about it. She carries it with her! Yeah, I’d forgotten that. See, peeps? I’m not making it up!
LikeLike
She’s right. Swear to God, it’s all true.
LikeLike
Your Mom was here! Maybe a little over a week ago? Snow on the valley floor of Portland? A couple of days ago! A disaster for anyone who has to navigate the streets of this “Green City”! Horrible! Schools shut down, roofs caved in, flooding when it melted! Did your Mom like Portland?
LikeLike
Yep, that sounds like my Mom! I’ll ask her how Portland was, and I’ll see if maybe I can give you a heads up next time she’s on the way. Of course, she was probably gone by the time the mayhem actually happened; she’s good that way!
LikeLike
Your Sainted Mother wants you to be able to contact her when she’s away on a long trip? My Sainted Step-Mother just sent out an e-mail saying she and one of my sisters is in Jamaica, and the two of us who aren’t with them should not even think about calling. 😦
LikeLike
Maybe she’s too busy with the ganja!
LikeLike
Why, Thank you, LBG, for acknowledging my one talent!. Well, I have just arrived home and I can tell you that, aside from the intense B.O. of the man in the seat beside me (yes, sigh, I was in the middle of the dreaded three-across configuration), and the unpleasant and weird dirty-diaper-like aroma that emerged from my seat pocket every time I reached for the headphones or magazines, there were no mishaps on the return trip (and I was in Row 13, yet!). However, I just read an article on the Honolulu Star Advertiser Online that it has been confirmed that the hail falling on March 9th was the largest ever recorded in Hawaii (4 and a half inches in diameter!), there was record-setting rainfall during three of the days I was on Kauai (within the same week, 39 inches of rain fell). And, yes, there truly were two small tornadoes as well. Yes, many roads were closed so I could not go some of my destinations. And, Yes, the Gov did in fact declare a state of emergency. On a positive note, the last several days (in Maui) were delightful! Let’s all hold our breath for the upcoming two weeks of “LBG Mom’s Afterglow”. If any disasters happen, I’ll be approached by the Hawaii Visitor’s Bureau, offering to pay me NOT to vacation there. Oh, there WAS a 3.7 earthquake today on the Big Island of Hawaii, but that hardly gets their attention (not like the 6.7 quake in 2006 when I was there). Why can’t I have this kind of power with the lottery? Oh, and P.S., I had layovers in Los Angeles TWICE when I changed planes, so keep your guard up in the City of Angels as well! Aloha!!!
LikeLike
I’ve got a few ex-boyfriends I’d like you to visit…
LikeLike