This is what I imagine conversation is like behind closed doors in the Oval Office:
President Obama: This election season is so much more relaxing than the last one. It’s almost like I don’t have to do anything at all; I can just sit back and watch the Republican party tear itself to pieces.
Interchangeable Flunkie #1: Have you seen the latest attack ads? Gingrich’s campaign is threatening to sue over one that claims that he co-sponsored a bill with Nancy Pelosi to give $60 million a year to a U.N. program supporting China’s one-child policy.
President Obama: Oh, that’s priceless! I should throw out a hint at the next press conference about potential action against China’s human rights atrocities, really get them going. Out of curiosity, is there any basis to that ad?
Interchangeable Flunkie #2: There was a bill introduced in the House in 1989 called the Global Warming Prevention Act to develop plans to reduce carbon emissions. It included support for the United Nations Population Fund, but specifically disallowed funding for the performance of involuntary sterilization or abortion or to coerce any person to accept family planning. Gingrich and Pelosi were co-sponsors of the bill along with 142 other House members. The bill never became law.
President Obama: So, no truth whatsoever.
Interchangeable Flunkie #2: No, sir.
President Obama: Fantastic. I love being the incumbent.
Interchangeable Flunkie #3: Romney’s PACs are targeting Santorum, now. An ad ran the other day on his voting record in Washington: “Would you have voted to let convicted violent felons regain the right to vote? Rick Santorum voted yes, joining Hillary Clinton.”
President Obama: My God, not Hillary! You know, it seems like only yesterday that I was being crucified alongside Hillary. She’s not bad, actually, once you get to know her.
Interchangeable Flunkie #1: I thought you said she was a demon in human form.
President Obama: Well, yes, but now she’s a demon in human form that’s on our side.
Interchangeable Flunkie #1: Yes, sir.
President Obama: You know, after I’ve had a long day at work apologizing to Afghanistan and bailing out people who took on mortgages they knew they couldn’t afford, I like to switch on the television and watch my opponents take each other out, one by one, leaving behind one battered, weakened, exhausted candidate to go up against me in the fall. After I watch Mitt attack Newt and Rick attack Mitt, I get to watch Newt come off like a crazed egghead philanderer. I almost miss Michelle Bachmann. I could listen to her all day long. I would have loved to have debated her in the general election.
Interchangeable Flunkie #4: There’s always Sarah Palin. You never know about her.
President Obama: Stop, you’re making me giddy. Now, where’s the head of JSOC? I need to kill another high-ranking terrorist right after the Republican primaries.
Interchangeable Flunkie #5: Right away, sir.
President Obama: God, I love this job.